Okay yea, it's been more than just a while.
Sorry..life ya know it takes up most of my days. Things like insanely painful headaches sending me to the ER 3x's. Sicky little people. How's about my husbands building catching fire & not knowing whether he's outside of it & safe?
Yea, lotsa stuff.
But that's not what I'm doing here tonight. What I'm doing here is venting about one of the commitments I made to myself at the beginning of the year. Which one you ask?
Oh, the hardest one! The commitment of diving into my past to find out what makes me tick.
Can I just say that the deeper I go & the more my eyes are open the more nuttier I see I am. I don't mean that to put myself down, truth is you're nutty too, maybe ya just don't know it yet.
See we ALL fall short of the glory of God & to put it in my own words we're all jacked up. We have all grown up in homes that were dysfunctional to some degree & we now carry that into our present life. Maybe you grew up in a home that was basically "normal" but began an unhealthy relationship with someone & that triggered those not so prominent dysfunctions from childhood. Those dysfunctions have grown & became genuine issues now.
My point is we all have a story & we're all "nutty" to some degree.
Me? I'm waaaay nutty!
I'm not ready to divulge every aspect of this new group I'm in, I've mentioned it before remember? It's basically a two year commitment into really digging deep into painful issues. And point blank sometimes it just sucks. I mean for me that is. I can honestly say I don't like all this stuff I'm learning because it hurts so bad. However I believe & trust that God is revealing these painful things to bring healing to me.
I think of it like an infection.
Look at it this way you get a cut & it's not properly cared for, eventually it becomes infected. So here you are with this painful cut & it's starting to sting & swell, you begin to think this hurts so much I can't wait for the Dr or antibiotics. I'm just gonna press down real hard on all the swelling & release the gross pus & goo.
So with teeth clenched that's what ya do & maybe...just maybe if you're lucky the infection is cleared.
It's likely though that you're still infected & without the proper care & treatment the infection will continue to grow & spread.
So do you get my gross analogy? Basically what I'm saying is I've been living with this infection in my heart & spirit all my life & now it's time to see the Dr & get real healing. It's just that after all these years the work involved isn't as easy as popping pills. I have to get deep down to all the roots & yank them out. I have to do things I don't like.
Like feel feelings. Maybe that sounds daft but it's true, I greatly dislike being vulnerable. Even with myself! So now to actually acknowledge this or that is truly foreign & strange. I mean I know it's healthy & right & I encourage others to share their heart but it's difficult to heed my own advice.
All of this is a bit overwhelming & new to me but I can see God's hand in all of this & it's honestly amazing. Something I'm noticing is the blessings of the women God has given me in this group. Thinking of these women makes me feel like crying with gratitude (not used to feeling that)
I can honestly say these women are in my heart...forever. They are truly beautiful & God has used each & every single one of them to minister to me & open my eyes. They also help me feel less crazy! When I can hear someone share a feeling or thought they're having & I can actually relate it's like "whoa! I'm not the only one! Awesome!"
It really really helps me to have people in my life that are genuine & non judgemental.
Well, I think I'm done ranting for now & I would like to say I'm gonna run off & do some really emotionally healthy thing right now like journal or meditate. But nah...I'm gonna eat chocolate & yea it's dysfunctional but chocolate taste good & it makes me happy =)
The Blessed Supermom
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Monday, April 30, 2012
Falling In Love With My Husband
More often then not when I blog it's about my children & rightfully so, my blog is titled Confessions of a Supermom. But I'm feeling I need to share about my husband today. I can truly say I've had more then a tumultuous marriage, in part due to my bitter choices.
I have held his wrong choices against him & chosen to live in the past rather then trust God for my future. I came into this marriage a very wounded girl, I had a painful childhood growing up in an alcoholic & dysfunctional home. For many years I've lived in anger but could never pin point why I was so angry, it would plague me continually that I held this deep dark secret. I felt if anyone ever knew how quickly I could explode I would be rejected.
I never paid attention to the fact that for 12 years I had someone who never left me. My husband continued to love & accept me with all my faults, of course he has his issues too but this post isn't about his problems.
Besides, regardless of what The Hubby does God calls me as his wife to honor, respect, & revere him. There will be a day when I stand before the LORD accountable for my actions & I'll be all alone. I wont be able to say "but did you see what he did?" "did you hear what he said"
It wont matter at that point because God's word is infallible & I can't make excuses for my behavior.
Only recently I've begun to open my eyes to the damage I have done to my marriage & family, for years I've made excuses for my behavior & the truth is I have no good excuse.
Yes, I am a very wounded person both by my own hands & the hands of others but I have a choice...do I live in bondage or walk in freedom??
Due to some recent events in my life I have finally chosen freedom, I have made the decision to love my husband with abandon. And ya know what? It's beautiful, he really is an amazing man!! We haven't had one single argument in weeks because the truth is I've decided I would rather be married than right. Does this mean I'm not entitled to my opinion? No.
It just means my opinion can hold a lot more weight if I deliver it correctly. What man wants to be hollered at because he's making the wrong choice? What man will rise up in leadership if he's constantly being questioned? The truth is ladies our men NEED us to be their cheerleaders. They NEED to know that even when the whole world is against them that they can come home to a friend that loves them unconditionally. Our men NEED to know we admire them & believe in them & they NEED to know that they can make a mistake & still be loved.
My husband is a gift from God & it's taken me 12 long years to receive that gift. I mourn & grieve over all the time lost & praise God that we wont be old & grey still fighting. I enjoy laughing with him & cuddling up with him. The truth is now I feel as though I can't get enough of him, I'm falling in love.
Ladies, I encourage you to pray & pray hard for the pains that you carry that are effecting your marriage. We are all broken in one way or another & satan seeks to destroy the family, the best way to do that is to start with the parents. For the few men that are reading this I encourage you to actively pursue your wife, my husband began doing that regardless of my actions & I have never felt more loved. He loved me through God's heart & that gave me self worth I didn't believe I could ever have.
There is a scripture I believe applies to this & I hope you feel it's true impact.
This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.
Deuteronomy 30:19
What will you choose?
The Blessed Supermom
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
God is still GOD
I'm typing this from Hope Childrens hospital pediatric ER. My little princess is being observed. We came in because my sweetie had a fever & what appeared to be an odd rash forming around the eyes.
I could give you all sorts of details but what it boils down to is she's being observed because initially we were looking at a possible blood infection. Specifically meningitis. Docs wanted to do a lumbar puncture & "aggressively treat" as a worse case scenario by pumping antibiotics & everything else possible. Thankfully preliminary blood results look favorable & we are NOT doing a spinal. We are waiting for some more results but at this point it appears my baby girl is going home some time tomorrow. My princess is sleeping peacefully right now.
I can't express enough the fear that grips when you hear a word like meningitis. It's beyond terrifying.
See, I would like to say I'm naive & thought things like meningitis are well controlled & stuff like that doesn't happen anymore.
Modern medicine ya know?
But I know all too well that all sorts of "things" that you THINK are no more can jump up & slap you.
My babygirl has been poked & prodded with everything from a needle to a catheter. Does a beautiful two year old really have to endure this? It's times like this I want to scream out "Why God why??? Why my baby?!!"
And in my heart I do.
I can't sit here & be all peachy & act like I'm not afraid because I'm scared silly. However, God is still GOD.
He is the same now as He was this morning. He is the same God who delivered Isaac by bringing a ram to sacrifice, He is the same God who set free the Israelites. He is the same God who chose to take my Isaac & Hannah Joy to heaven. In all these things He remains good! He remains faithful. And although I question in my heart "why God?" I hold to the truth of who He is & I will not let that go.
As for me & my house we will SERVE THE LORD. That is not contingent upon what our day holds.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Meeting Michelle Dugger
Just one week ago I had the honor of meeting Michelle Duggar. Ya know Ultimate Supermama to a gergillion amazing kids??
Okay maybe not a gergillion but 19 is a lot if you ask me. I've always been so very impressed with her take on life family & children. She amazes me to no end on her ability to show Christ to her children. I'm not praising her because I want to be her it's just that I truly admire this woman. She has the gentle spirit God calls us mamas & wives to have. I struggle with that because I'm not that soft spoken woman, I'm naturally loud & playful. My husband appears to like my dry humor at times & gets a kick out of the fact I can keep up with his one liners.
But I digress.
As we drove to church where The Duggar Family would be speaking my daughter asked me if I was nervous to meet Michelle & to my surprise I was! I know that I've always wanted to meet her because of all the reasons I just stated, of course it would be nice to meet this Godly woman & chat. I was never unsettled about the possibility of meeting before.
But now there was something more, it wasn't a simple chat anymore. It was deeper.
Michelle & I share a bond, we belong to a club & were never given a choice to join. The club is one no one wants to be in yet 1 in every 4 women is in this club.
It's the club of Mommies with little ones waiting at Jesus feet for Mama.
Because of this bond we share meeting Michelle became more intimidating. I knew the substance of our conversation no matter how short would be so much meatier. It wouldn't be compliments on her children or advice on freezer cooking, it would be the instant connection of holding your wee baby & having to let go & say goodbye.
Jim Bob & Michelle shared a beautiful testimony of their love for the Lord & one another but again that wasn't my only focus. As I made my way up to meeting Michelle after they spoke my palms began to sweat because I wasn't quite sure what to say, all I knew was this is what I asked God for.
In December when I heard that Michelle lost her little one I cried & asked God to connect me to Michelle in some way. My heart is so burdened for empty armed Mommies & whenever I hear of a broken hearted Mommy I ask God to help me minister to that person.
So here I was 5 feet away from this woman I honestly never thought I would get near. I had no idea God was going to say yes to my request so I was more than unprepared. Nervous? Most definitely.
Satan began flooding my mind as soon as I made the decision that I would speak to Michelle. I began questioning how I of all people could be of any use to her?? I mean this is SUPER MEGA MAMA!!
How dare I be so bold as to think I can offer her wisdom & wasn't I simply going to make a complete fool of myself?? Just like when I spoke to Todd Smith after the loss of his daughter (btw, I wasn't remotely foolish that time)
But these were the thoughts rushing through my mind as I approached her & more than once I thought I'm going to say hello & offer her this gift bag & let her read my little note on her own time. I'm not going to mention her little Jubilee nor my Isaac & Hannah Joy, I'll just walk away.
But you see God doesn't allow me to walk away, if ever he has something to say & chooses to use my mouth I can't walk away, I can not disobey no matter how much I want to. I'm not saying I'm Tina the super christian I'm simply so pressed down by the Holy Spirit I become unable to avoid what I'm called to do. God knows how a combination of insecurity & outright stubbornness can be a hindrance so in all honesty He kinda flattens me in those moments & if I want to stand upright again I need to do as He is saying. What He was saying that night was "tell her"
He was saying to tell her about the picture. See I have a beautiful card I give to Mommies when they have to say goodbye. It is the most heart healing picture of Jesus holding a sweet baby as He sways back & forth in a rocking chair.
That image is precious. It is wonderful because it is truth, it is the beauty of that innocent pure truth of the reality of our children in Heaven. They are waiting in Jesus arms & when I stop to think of the reality of that it takes my breath away. I remember when I spoke a letter I had written to my Hannah girl at her funeral & read that she was in Heaven, I paused closing my eyes & said "that is the truth & the truth sets you free"
God gave me that picture just then of her playing in Heaven & being free, that image freed me as well.
God simply told me to tell Michelle that the picture on the card was for her & to look at it & remember the truth.
I can't say what the card did for Michelle, I truly don't know but being the humble Godly woman she has shown herself to be I believe that it spoke to her heart.
So yes, I met Michelle Duggar & yes we have this unfortunate bond but we also share the hope of not grieving as the world grieves because God in His awesome glory has set us free.
The Blessed Supermom
Revelation 21:4
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Waking Up To The Emptiness & Resting In Gods Arms
I know my last post said I'm "Doing Better" & I am, or at least was. I don't know...
I'm not a complete wreck but yes it's 3:36am & I can't sleep, it's been this way all week. I start getting goofy before "dates" start popping up. The date I saw the spotting, the date I was told Isaac died, the date we buried him. It all comes up on me & I feel like I'm gonna throw up, I feel the way I did (to a smaller extent) when he first died. I couldn't sleep & I know a lot of my friends out here who have lost someone they love know that feeling. We all may not have trouble sleeping for the same reasons, for some it may be that their mind races with "could've & should've" or maybe it's the fear of another nightmare.
For me it's the emptiness of waking up.
When Isaac first died I avoided sleep because I didn't want to wake up, not meaning I wanted to die although the thought did cross my mind. It wasn't the wanting of death but it was the awful truth that when I woke up this was real & not a nightmare. My son really died, I really did bury him, he was really gone. I would only sleep from sheer exhaustion & even then I would fight it, I would stay up all night watching Scrubs with The Hubby. It was terrible because I think it was the same escape for him, he would go running to the video store just before midnight to rent another season so we could stay up watching them.
I loved that show but now I can't watch it. It brings me back to sitting on that couch at 2am in the morning knowing I eventually had to sleep & hating the thought of waking up to the emptiness.
Those feelings still creep up on me four years later although it's not the same. I'm usually not even aware I'm doing it until 3 or 4 days have passed by & each night gets later & later until I find myself up at 4am.
You would think after all this time without him I would see it coming, prepare myself & make a conscience effort to get to sleep. To pray & ask for prayer. There's all kinds of warning signs I become more irritable, wait no that's an understatement I become vicious. I have to watch myself or I will turn around & rip someone to bits verbally. I also find myself thinking of Isaac & start crying easily. I know you would think every thought of him would make me cry but that's not true, in fact more often than not thinking of him brings a smile to my face.
But instead of bringing a smile to my face I find myself in the bathroom crying hysterically with my hand over my mouth so my kids don't hear.
In all truth this pain is more vicious then I can ever be, it comes on you without a hint & tries to beat you into the ground.
However, the difference between 4 years ago & today is I'm not in the midst of the shock & I have a clearer mind. I can see Gods hand in the wounds, I can see Him holding my heart & letting me wail & cry out to Him.
I can feel His love...really I can.
I'm at a different mark in the road of my grief & the path is getting clearer. The answers to why Isaac & my Hannah we're taken to heaven so soon won't be given to me here on earth. But I will be given perfect clarity when God takes me with Him. Until then I will have trouble sleeping at times but He will be here. When I wake up to what feels so much like emptiness I'll be reminded I can rest in His arms.
The eternal God is your refuge,
and underneath are the everlasting arms. Deuteronomy 33:27
The Blessed Supermom
I'm not a complete wreck but yes it's 3:36am & I can't sleep, it's been this way all week. I start getting goofy before "dates" start popping up. The date I saw the spotting, the date I was told Isaac died, the date we buried him. It all comes up on me & I feel like I'm gonna throw up, I feel the way I did (to a smaller extent) when he first died. I couldn't sleep & I know a lot of my friends out here who have lost someone they love know that feeling. We all may not have trouble sleeping for the same reasons, for some it may be that their mind races with "could've & should've" or maybe it's the fear of another nightmare.
For me it's the emptiness of waking up.
When Isaac first died I avoided sleep because I didn't want to wake up, not meaning I wanted to die although the thought did cross my mind. It wasn't the wanting of death but it was the awful truth that when I woke up this was real & not a nightmare. My son really died, I really did bury him, he was really gone. I would only sleep from sheer exhaustion & even then I would fight it, I would stay up all night watching Scrubs with The Hubby. It was terrible because I think it was the same escape for him, he would go running to the video store just before midnight to rent another season so we could stay up watching them.
I loved that show but now I can't watch it. It brings me back to sitting on that couch at 2am in the morning knowing I eventually had to sleep & hating the thought of waking up to the emptiness.
Those feelings still creep up on me four years later although it's not the same. I'm usually not even aware I'm doing it until 3 or 4 days have passed by & each night gets later & later until I find myself up at 4am.
You would think after all this time without him I would see it coming, prepare myself & make a conscience effort to get to sleep. To pray & ask for prayer. There's all kinds of warning signs I become more irritable, wait no that's an understatement I become vicious. I have to watch myself or I will turn around & rip someone to bits verbally. I also find myself thinking of Isaac & start crying easily. I know you would think every thought of him would make me cry but that's not true, in fact more often than not thinking of him brings a smile to my face.
But instead of bringing a smile to my face I find myself in the bathroom crying hysterically with my hand over my mouth so my kids don't hear.
In all truth this pain is more vicious then I can ever be, it comes on you without a hint & tries to beat you into the ground.
However, the difference between 4 years ago & today is I'm not in the midst of the shock & I have a clearer mind. I can see Gods hand in the wounds, I can see Him holding my heart & letting me wail & cry out to Him.
I can feel His love...really I can.
I'm at a different mark in the road of my grief & the path is getting clearer. The answers to why Isaac & my Hannah we're taken to heaven so soon won't be given to me here on earth. But I will be given perfect clarity when God takes me with Him. Until then I will have trouble sleeping at times but He will be here. When I wake up to what feels so much like emptiness I'll be reminded I can rest in His arms.
The eternal God is your refuge,
and underneath are the everlasting arms. Deuteronomy 33:27
The Blessed Supermom
Monday, November 28, 2011
Finding Hope Through The Pain
So I'm in this real mushy state today. I think it's the holidays, they're always difficult. Don't get me wrong I'm thankful to God for all He's blessed me with. But days can turn melancholy fast. The hurt can overwhelm.
The funny thing is it's always the same thing to trigger the weary heart in me.
Christmas ornaments....
How can sweet little decorations tear me in two?? You would think I would prepare myself right? That every year I would tell myself before I walk in the store that it's gonna be okay. That the season is about life, it's about Jesus being born into this cold dark world & ultimately giving His life so we wouldn't know the taste of death.
But as wonderful & true as that is, the pain still comes.
Every year at this time I'm reminded of my Isaac & Hannah. I can't help but wonder what my babies look like now, what it would feel like to hold there little chunky hands. To deal with their tantrums & defiance, to kiss their owwies & roll my eyes at their foolishness. To pick up their little sweaty bodies in the night as we pray the fever away.
See, at this time of the year I'm reminded of all the little things.
The small things I've missed. Every year there are more moments missed.
As you can see, it's hard not to get weepy. It's hard not to wallow in the pain & anguish & just live here for a while.
Truth is I miss my little ones so hard & deep that I don't think I can truly put into words my ache for them.
In all this I can see Jesus face & feel Gods heart, if not just a little with my simple finite mind.
I only knew my Isaac for 5 months & my Hannah for 6 & the pain runs so deep. The loss of them pulses through my veins & it is part of my being. I've been told to "get over it" to "move on"
But how do you get over the loss of your child?
That's the little piece of Gods heart I think I feel. The pain of watching your child die, the pain of knowing this has to happen. Wanting to change this moment but it is already written & there's no running away from it.
I think of the pain of the moment I was told my children had died & how crushing that was. How those few seconds forever altered my life.
Now, how can I ever choose to feel that pain? To choose to give my child death?
That's what God did.
For me...for you.
He chose to send His one & only Son to die in this broken world so that we may live.
He rose again on the third day & overcame death & through that power & grace I have overcome death as well. I will walk with Him in Heaven one day.
What blows my mind about this amazing plan of His is that through that same power & grace my children also overcame death! My children live alongside Him in perfect peace.
Today, I have an ache in my heart for my Isaac & Hannah, but it's also filled with hope.
Hope for His promises & His future for me.
The Blessed Superomom
The funny thing is it's always the same thing to trigger the weary heart in me.
Christmas ornaments....
How can sweet little decorations tear me in two?? You would think I would prepare myself right? That every year I would tell myself before I walk in the store that it's gonna be okay. That the season is about life, it's about Jesus being born into this cold dark world & ultimately giving His life so we wouldn't know the taste of death.
But as wonderful & true as that is, the pain still comes.
Every year at this time I'm reminded of my Isaac & Hannah. I can't help but wonder what my babies look like now, what it would feel like to hold there little chunky hands. To deal with their tantrums & defiance, to kiss their owwies & roll my eyes at their foolishness. To pick up their little sweaty bodies in the night as we pray the fever away.
See, at this time of the year I'm reminded of all the little things.
The small things I've missed. Every year there are more moments missed.
As you can see, it's hard not to get weepy. It's hard not to wallow in the pain & anguish & just live here for a while.
Truth is I miss my little ones so hard & deep that I don't think I can truly put into words my ache for them.
In all this I can see Jesus face & feel Gods heart, if not just a little with my simple finite mind.
I only knew my Isaac for 5 months & my Hannah for 6 & the pain runs so deep. The loss of them pulses through my veins & it is part of my being. I've been told to "get over it" to "move on"
But how do you get over the loss of your child?
That's the little piece of Gods heart I think I feel. The pain of watching your child die, the pain of knowing this has to happen. Wanting to change this moment but it is already written & there's no running away from it.
I think of the pain of the moment I was told my children had died & how crushing that was. How those few seconds forever altered my life.
Now, how can I ever choose to feel that pain? To choose to give my child death?
That's what God did.
For me...for you.
He chose to send His one & only Son to die in this broken world so that we may live.
He rose again on the third day & overcame death & through that power & grace I have overcome death as well. I will walk with Him in Heaven one day.
What blows my mind about this amazing plan of His is that through that same power & grace my children also overcame death! My children live alongside Him in perfect peace.
Today, I have an ache in my heart for my Isaac & Hannah, but it's also filled with hope.
Hope for His promises & His future for me.
The Blessed Superomom
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
The Little Piggies Speach Evaluation
Well, my little punkin pie had her speech eval today. I was concerned after my friend Debbie asked if she spoke more at home then she did in our play group that she leads. Debbie is not just a sweetie of a person & a good mama but also a certified Baby TALK Practitioner/Parent Educator. She has several years experience working with parents and children, birth to three years old & is also a registered nurse. So I more then trust her judgement when it came into question whether baby girl was where she ought to be.
Debbie gave me a recommendation for Easter Seals who would send out a speech therapist as well as another therapist to evaluate her on all levels as well as speech.
Well, the wee piglet did great!
She is only 20% behind on her speech, she needs to be 30% behind for therapy. She's behind mostly because she is not imitating as much as she needs to be. The speech therapist (Lisa) gave me great ideas on how to help initiate imitation & both therapists believe as we work with her at home the Princess will have a "speech explosion" shortly.
As far as all the other evaluations such as comprehension, direction, physical, cognitive, social/emotional, & self help she is where she needs to be at 21 months or even higher!!
The therapist also said that the fact we homeschool is a definite factor in how well she's doing.
SCORE!!
So, to wrap this up I have to say a big fat huge thank you to Debbie Jackson, you are a wonderful friend & I'm so thankful for you!!
And more importantly I give all the praise & glory to God! I know some may not understand fully why I lay all the honor at His feet, but the LORD is sovereign over all. He created this sweet beautiful girl knowing full well she was going to keep her words to herself for a bit. I'm also
grateful to Him for bringing these caring individuals into my home who were genuinely concerned for my little girl. And I'm grateful for the mouthful of sweet words that are sure to come in God's perfect timing.
And even the not so sweet ones!
The Blessed Supermom
Debbie gave me a recommendation for Easter Seals who would send out a speech therapist as well as another therapist to evaluate her on all levels as well as speech.
Well, the wee piglet did great!
She is only 20% behind on her speech, she needs to be 30% behind for therapy. She's behind mostly because she is not imitating as much as she needs to be. The speech therapist (Lisa) gave me great ideas on how to help initiate imitation & both therapists believe as we work with her at home the Princess will have a "speech explosion" shortly.
As far as all the other evaluations such as comprehension, direction, physical, cognitive, social/emotional, & self help she is where she needs to be at 21 months or even higher!!
The therapist also said that the fact we homeschool is a definite factor in how well she's doing.
SCORE!!
So, to wrap this up I have to say a big fat huge thank you to Debbie Jackson, you are a wonderful friend & I'm so thankful for you!!
And more importantly I give all the praise & glory to God! I know some may not understand fully why I lay all the honor at His feet, but the LORD is sovereign over all. He created this sweet beautiful girl knowing full well she was going to keep her words to herself for a bit. I'm also
grateful to Him for bringing these caring individuals into my home who were genuinely concerned for my little girl. And I'm grateful for the mouthful of sweet words that are sure to come in God's perfect timing.
And even the not so sweet ones!
The Blessed Supermom
Monday, November 14, 2011
The Honor Of Being Called Mommy
Many years ago I had a vision. No, not chandeliers shaking as a slow fog filled the room. But a vision nonetheless.
The Blessed Supermom
If asked as a teenager what my family would look when I grew up I often said I would have seven children & would stay home taking care of them.
Most times I got a sort of an eyebrow raised, nose in the air, tight lipped look. And that was from my friends!!
Forget the older women I told this to! They would just laugh & tell me how naive I was & that once I had ONE baby I would change my mind real quick!!
Wow! What a discouragement!!
Here I am, this young girl with a beautiful God given vision & my friends with some family as well were trying to steal it.
Remember, satan comes to steal, kill, & destroy & he will use whatever means necessary to do just that. Including you're sweet little old neighbor down the street.
I see this happening with my daughter. She is around the corner from turning seventeen & she longs to have a large family & stay home with her babies. However, there is already so much opposition to that "lofty dream"
She has already been told it's impossible. That breaks my heart for her.
Often times she'd smile & says she wants twelve children, but lately she says "as many God wants to give me"
That statement makes me so proud of her because she's putting faith in God for an area that seems to be "off limits" to Him.
Now, will she follow through on this mindset? I like to think so but I can't control her life or her walk with God. All I can do is present to her His Word, pray for her, be an example to her, and trust God for the rest.
The Blessed Supermom
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Remembering Anguish, Reminded Of Grace
OK, this is gonna be a long one, a really long one. So grab a cup of coffee & put your feet up. Where to begin?
How about September 16th 2008....that's when I met her.
Hannah..
Oh she was so small & perfect, sure she had her "owwies" but I loved her all the same. I only was allowed to hold her close to me for a short time before having to let go of her forever. Or at least til we met again in Heaven. I studied & memorized every detail I could. Her tiny little feet, her pouty red lips, & even her little tooshie =)
She was beautiful, my little girl.
Fast forward three years later, & I can't celebrate my Hannah. Not the way I'm used to, the way our family does. Some people think me strange for celebrating her "birthday" & honestly I'm really not concerned with what others think on the subject. She is my daughter after all & I love her no less then my other children. Every year since Hannah's death my family gets together & goes to the cemetery with balloons & decorations in hand. We leave a few special balloons for her & fancy up her marker. Then we have another set of balloons to decorate & send to Heaven.
After, we celebrate Hannah girl with an OREO ice cream cake....mmmmmm. This year however, I began leading the Pregnancy Loss Bible Study at church. Guess what the date of the first day of the study was???
September 16th..
That was rough, I so very much wanted to just bail & run. I wanted to go "see" my daughter & love on her & ask God to give her all sorts of kisses from Mama. But I had a responsibility & it was important. So there was a good measure of guilt when we went the following day, but that's OK. God's grace is sufficient & we made it through another celebration. One thing that left our hearts a bit sad was the confusion at the end of the whole thing. We always release our balloons one by one & this year I asked if everyone wanted to release them together. It appeared we were in agreement but it turns out The Hubby wasn't. However, he didn't want to upset me so he said nothing. Oh well... =(
Before the balloons were released the younger girls ribbons got tangled & my little monkeys' slipped out of her hand. She was so upset & began crying, in my haste to comfort her I said it's okay, we'll all let ours go now.
BAD IDEA...now we were all down in the mouth. See we have that special little moment with Hannah before letting go of the balloon.
Sometimes it's just plain hard & this time it felt almost like losing her all over again.
All because of a stupid balloon.
The rest of the day was hard & I was struggling with guilt & anger. I was remembering all this pain & anguish. All the "whys" were flooding back in & feelings were rising up. I wanted to scream & cry, it just wasn't fair. Part of me was getting that familiar feeling of bitterness & cynicism. It's a slippery slope, & very easy to fall down in that dark chasm. Thankfully, I have people in my life that help me process these emotions & move through them. Thankfully I have a God who is patient & loves me through anger & questioning.
Then He reminds me of His grace...
September 16th 2011 I ached for my daughter in Heaven & two weeks later it looked as though God may take her baby sister to be with Him as well. I walked into my little mucnhkins room after her nap & she gazed at me through the rails of her crib. Sweet little thing looked so exhausted, she was getting over a bout with the stomach flu so I wasn't surprised that she wasn't real chipper. I was a little perplexed that she let me walk out of the room for an outfit to dress her in. She normally doesn't let me out of her sight after nap time but again I figured she was just out of sorts. When I got munchkin on the changing table I was somewhat concerned at her behavior. She just wasn't "right" I sat her up & she tipped a bit before up righting herself. I laid her back down & asked her to touch her nose which she did but then wouldn't show me anything else..eyes, ears, toes, etc. I stood her on the floor & she took two steps up & reached her for me so at this point I'm questioning myself & wanting to believe she's just really really tired. When I got her back on the changing table though she was acting lethargic & her arms were flopping down when I picked them up.
At this point I called 911 & explained the situation, I then called my husbands company & let them know our daughter would be going to the ER. Now mind you during these phone calls my sweet babe was getting progressively worse. She began shutting her eyes & wouldn't respond to me at all.
That's when the screaming began.
I can't tell you the terror of seeing what you think may be your child slipping away. I had no clear thought as to why this could be happening, all I knew was her eyes were glazed over & far away & as I screamed her name while 2 inches from her she continued closing her beautiful eyes. All I remember was screaming to her & screaming "please God, please please" At some point I called my sister hysterically & left a message which I assume was disturbing. Within minutes paramedics were in my house & one of them was telling me to calm down, I then continued my hysteria by screaming at them. However, his being calm did help for the moment. He told me to change her diaper then get the kids together to meet him & the baby downstairs in the ambulance.
Ever have that surreal feeling? Like you're in a movie & none of this can really be happening, everything is moving in slow motion? I thought that was just some dramatic thing people said. It's not.
That's how it felt when I walked past the ambulance & saw my baby girl laying there. All flopped in the stretcher barely coherent being poked at with needles. She didn't even care. I was terrified & felt so helpless. My sister pulled up & took my girls in the house for me as I went with my daughter to the ER. By the way, did you know that ambulances aren't like in the movies either? Family doesn't sit in the back with their loved one. No they sit in front & can't see a thing, nothing. All I knew was my munchkin was being frighteningly quiet. Shouldn't she fuss at least a little bit?? I was told her blood sugar was low, 30 to be exact & they need to get an IV in her to bring her back to a normal level.
Terrible things run through your mind when there's nothing to do but think. The paramedic that was taking care of her kept talking to me. Telling me he understood because he had four kids..*smile at the hysterical lady* I know he was trying to keep me calm which only scared me more because I was sure something was very wrong if he was being so assuring. Finally I asked if she was OK & he answered "she's stable" & that just freaked me out more. I know what "stable" means. It means things are alright for now but that doesn't mean it'll stay that way. I've seen enough hospital television dramas to know that (that was my weak attempt at a joke)
I think he could see he wasn't helping so then he told me "she'll be OK, I promise" I looked him dead in the eye & said "I'm trusting you" & he understood. Once we got to the hospital nurses were buzzing all over her. The heart monitor was put on & vitals were taken. They kept asking me questions I couldn't answer, I couldn't think. The one & only thing on my mind was "please God, please" They asked me some question & I went blank, I cried & said I didn't know what day it was. My Hubby came & put his arms around me & I'm sure he said sweet things but I can't remember.
It took about an hour & she started to perk up some, she began drinking juice & wanted to eat. The best thing is when the nurse came in to check on her & she wailed like a banshee. That was the most wonderful cry I'd heard since she was born.
We stayed overnight & it was then I found out the gravity of the situation we'd just endured. We were told that her sugar wasn't low long enough to cause brain damage but had we not brought her in it could have. We were told she could have had seizures & slipped into a coma. I was told that I moved fast & that was very good. Up to that point I questioned whether I was over reacting & now I'm glad for the choices I made.
Looking back on that morning I can see God's hand & how He arranged things. Whenever my little girl gets up from a nap she is in one of two moods. Either super clingy or super ticked. It's rare that she smiles sweetly & runs off to play. So when I heard her squeaking in the room my brain went into hyper mode of all the things that had to get done & how long I had to do it. I figured I had 15 minutes tops to do some dishes, wipe the counters, & peel potatoes. But for some out of the norm reason I thought I needed to pick up my princess.
That was the nudging of the Spirit.
Then there was the 911 call. Normally I would of called my husband first to get his input. I know a lot of people think why wait? Why not just go with you're gut? Simply put, when I'm running on emotions I can't think clearly & don't always make the best decisions. I don't think I'm the only woman in that category.
Can I get an Amen??
But in this case I didn't call him & instead called for help, something I wouldn't ordinarily do. Again, the Spirit.
At this point we're not real certain why any of this occurred. It's likely my baby was just not getting enough glucose in her diet because of her lack of appetite. It was the first time I've experienced this with a sick child, I didn't know the sugar could drop so drastically or so quickly. During our overnight stay some other tests were run but most of them have already come back favorable.
So how do these two events tie together?
Well, I had a lot of time to think at the hospital. It wasn't too easy to sleep even though my princess was slumbering peacefully. I just kept staring at her & thinking "why" But this time the bitterness didn't rise up, instead it was gratitude. Instead of thinking "why me God? How could you?" I thought "why me God, THANK YOU"
How many parents don't get to take their child home? Through the loss of my babies I've come to know way too many mothers that left the hospital with empty arms. I'm one of those moms. And through God's grace my daughter came home. Am I saying she was at deaths door? I really can't say, nor will I entertain the thought. All I know is it was dangerous, it was serious, & it was terrifying.
O praise God for His mercy. Praise Him for the blessings we look over daily. For the cries we long to quiet but then ache to hear. Praise him for jelly stained cheeks & sticky fingers. Praise Him for dirty diapers, temper tantrums, & pouty faces.
Praise Him.
The Highly Blessed Supermom
How about September 16th 2008....that's when I met her.
Hannah..
Oh she was so small & perfect, sure she had her "owwies" but I loved her all the same. I only was allowed to hold her close to me for a short time before having to let go of her forever. Or at least til we met again in Heaven. I studied & memorized every detail I could. Her tiny little feet, her pouty red lips, & even her little tooshie =)
She was beautiful, my little girl.
Fast forward three years later, & I can't celebrate my Hannah. Not the way I'm used to, the way our family does. Some people think me strange for celebrating her "birthday" & honestly I'm really not concerned with what others think on the subject. She is my daughter after all & I love her no less then my other children. Every year since Hannah's death my family gets together & goes to the cemetery with balloons & decorations in hand. We leave a few special balloons for her & fancy up her marker. Then we have another set of balloons to decorate & send to Heaven.
After, we celebrate Hannah girl with an OREO ice cream cake....mmmmmm. This year however, I began leading the Pregnancy Loss Bible Study at church. Guess what the date of the first day of the study was???
September 16th..
That was rough, I so very much wanted to just bail & run. I wanted to go "see" my daughter & love on her & ask God to give her all sorts of kisses from Mama. But I had a responsibility & it was important. So there was a good measure of guilt when we went the following day, but that's OK. God's grace is sufficient & we made it through another celebration. One thing that left our hearts a bit sad was the confusion at the end of the whole thing. We always release our balloons one by one & this year I asked if everyone wanted to release them together. It appeared we were in agreement but it turns out The Hubby wasn't. However, he didn't want to upset me so he said nothing. Oh well... =(
Before the balloons were released the younger girls ribbons got tangled & my little monkeys' slipped out of her hand. She was so upset & began crying, in my haste to comfort her I said it's okay, we'll all let ours go now.
BAD IDEA...now we were all down in the mouth. See we have that special little moment with Hannah before letting go of the balloon.
Sometimes it's just plain hard & this time it felt almost like losing her all over again.
All because of a stupid balloon.
The rest of the day was hard & I was struggling with guilt & anger. I was remembering all this pain & anguish. All the "whys" were flooding back in & feelings were rising up. I wanted to scream & cry, it just wasn't fair. Part of me was getting that familiar feeling of bitterness & cynicism. It's a slippery slope, & very easy to fall down in that dark chasm. Thankfully, I have people in my life that help me process these emotions & move through them. Thankfully I have a God who is patient & loves me through anger & questioning.
Then He reminds me of His grace...
September 16th 2011 I ached for my daughter in Heaven & two weeks later it looked as though God may take her baby sister to be with Him as well. I walked into my little mucnhkins room after her nap & she gazed at me through the rails of her crib. Sweet little thing looked so exhausted, she was getting over a bout with the stomach flu so I wasn't surprised that she wasn't real chipper. I was a little perplexed that she let me walk out of the room for an outfit to dress her in. She normally doesn't let me out of her sight after nap time but again I figured she was just out of sorts. When I got munchkin on the changing table I was somewhat concerned at her behavior. She just wasn't "right" I sat her up & she tipped a bit before up righting herself. I laid her back down & asked her to touch her nose which she did but then wouldn't show me anything else..eyes, ears, toes, etc. I stood her on the floor & she took two steps up & reached her for me so at this point I'm questioning myself & wanting to believe she's just really really tired. When I got her back on the changing table though she was acting lethargic & her arms were flopping down when I picked them up.
At this point I called 911 & explained the situation, I then called my husbands company & let them know our daughter would be going to the ER. Now mind you during these phone calls my sweet babe was getting progressively worse. She began shutting her eyes & wouldn't respond to me at all.
That's when the screaming began.
I can't tell you the terror of seeing what you think may be your child slipping away. I had no clear thought as to why this could be happening, all I knew was her eyes were glazed over & far away & as I screamed her name while 2 inches from her she continued closing her beautiful eyes. All I remember was screaming to her & screaming "please God, please please" At some point I called my sister hysterically & left a message which I assume was disturbing. Within minutes paramedics were in my house & one of them was telling me to calm down, I then continued my hysteria by screaming at them. However, his being calm did help for the moment. He told me to change her diaper then get the kids together to meet him & the baby downstairs in the ambulance.
Ever have that surreal feeling? Like you're in a movie & none of this can really be happening, everything is moving in slow motion? I thought that was just some dramatic thing people said. It's not.
That's how it felt when I walked past the ambulance & saw my baby girl laying there. All flopped in the stretcher barely coherent being poked at with needles. She didn't even care. I was terrified & felt so helpless. My sister pulled up & took my girls in the house for me as I went with my daughter to the ER. By the way, did you know that ambulances aren't like in the movies either? Family doesn't sit in the back with their loved one. No they sit in front & can't see a thing, nothing. All I knew was my munchkin was being frighteningly quiet. Shouldn't she fuss at least a little bit?? I was told her blood sugar was low, 30 to be exact & they need to get an IV in her to bring her back to a normal level.
Terrible things run through your mind when there's nothing to do but think. The paramedic that was taking care of her kept talking to me. Telling me he understood because he had four kids..*smile at the hysterical lady* I know he was trying to keep me calm which only scared me more because I was sure something was very wrong if he was being so assuring. Finally I asked if she was OK & he answered "she's stable" & that just freaked me out more. I know what "stable" means. It means things are alright for now but that doesn't mean it'll stay that way. I've seen enough hospital television dramas to know that (that was my weak attempt at a joke)
I think he could see he wasn't helping so then he told me "she'll be OK, I promise" I looked him dead in the eye & said "I'm trusting you" & he understood. Once we got to the hospital nurses were buzzing all over her. The heart monitor was put on & vitals were taken. They kept asking me questions I couldn't answer, I couldn't think. The one & only thing on my mind was "please God, please" They asked me some question & I went blank, I cried & said I didn't know what day it was. My Hubby came & put his arms around me & I'm sure he said sweet things but I can't remember.
It took about an hour & she started to perk up some, she began drinking juice & wanted to eat. The best thing is when the nurse came in to check on her & she wailed like a banshee. That was the most wonderful cry I'd heard since she was born.
We stayed overnight & it was then I found out the gravity of the situation we'd just endured. We were told that her sugar wasn't low long enough to cause brain damage but had we not brought her in it could have. We were told she could have had seizures & slipped into a coma. I was told that I moved fast & that was very good. Up to that point I questioned whether I was over reacting & now I'm glad for the choices I made.
Looking back on that morning I can see God's hand & how He arranged things. Whenever my little girl gets up from a nap she is in one of two moods. Either super clingy or super ticked. It's rare that she smiles sweetly & runs off to play. So when I heard her squeaking in the room my brain went into hyper mode of all the things that had to get done & how long I had to do it. I figured I had 15 minutes tops to do some dishes, wipe the counters, & peel potatoes. But for some out of the norm reason I thought I needed to pick up my princess.
That was the nudging of the Spirit.
Then there was the 911 call. Normally I would of called my husband first to get his input. I know a lot of people think why wait? Why not just go with you're gut? Simply put, when I'm running on emotions I can't think clearly & don't always make the best decisions. I don't think I'm the only woman in that category.
Can I get an Amen??
But in this case I didn't call him & instead called for help, something I wouldn't ordinarily do. Again, the Spirit.
At this point we're not real certain why any of this occurred. It's likely my baby was just not getting enough glucose in her diet because of her lack of appetite. It was the first time I've experienced this with a sick child, I didn't know the sugar could drop so drastically or so quickly. During our overnight stay some other tests were run but most of them have already come back favorable.
So how do these two events tie together?
Well, I had a lot of time to think at the hospital. It wasn't too easy to sleep even though my princess was slumbering peacefully. I just kept staring at her & thinking "why" But this time the bitterness didn't rise up, instead it was gratitude. Instead of thinking "why me God? How could you?" I thought "why me God, THANK YOU"
How many parents don't get to take their child home? Through the loss of my babies I've come to know way too many mothers that left the hospital with empty arms. I'm one of those moms. And through God's grace my daughter came home. Am I saying she was at deaths door? I really can't say, nor will I entertain the thought. All I know is it was dangerous, it was serious, & it was terrifying.
O praise God for His mercy. Praise Him for the blessings we look over daily. For the cries we long to quiet but then ache to hear. Praise him for jelly stained cheeks & sticky fingers. Praise Him for dirty diapers, temper tantrums, & pouty faces.
Praise Him.
The Highly Blessed Supermom
Monday, June 6, 2011
Kitchen Limbo
Well, this weekend was the Illinois Christian Home Educators Convention. It was great! And crazy, my homeschooling friends know what I'm talking about. It's kinda like being at a wonderful farmers market, there's all these great things to see & do. At first you take in all the sweet aromas & meander slowly though this ever so relaxing time, maybe even run into a few friends & buy some treasured items. After a while though, your feet start to swell & all those previously sweet smells begin to mesh together & you have a headache, Then BAM!!! Run over by a cart full of flowers!!
You're laying their dazed & confused but there's all this pretty stuff around you & no matter how much you know you should walk away, instead you limp toward the flowers & ask for more....
Now, if you think I'm exaggerating you should take a look at the golf ball sized bruise on my leg!
That being said, the bumps & bruises are worth it I'll go into more detail, but not today.
What is on my mind however is the mysterious allergic reaction the Bear had just over a week ago. I was really leaning toward cheese or some sort of dairy product because she had another reaction (or so it seemed) Wednesday & the only connection I could make was cheese. We also thought it could have been food poisoning but after thinking some that doesn't add up with all her previous tummy issues.
I just spoke to her pediatrician & she has absolutely NO ALLERGIES...UGH...seriously???
Well, we are still waiting for the Gluten Intolerance results & hope to get them tomorrow. But come on really! I am trying not to wig out over here! What's the deal???
I'm really at a loss, I don't even know what to feed her & don't want to give her something hurtful.
Errrggggggg.....
OK, pardon my miniwig.
I think I just made up a word...miniwig...fun.
Anyway, without having clear direction I don't feel comfortable having my regular Monday Cooking Day. I will bake some breads for the week & try to come up with a menu plan but that's about it. I'm also toying with the idea of removing Gluten anyway because an article I read explained the difference between Gluten Intolerance & Wheat Allergy. There is a large portion of people with Celiac Symptoms (gluten intolerance) who don't test positive for it. These people assume maybe they're just allergic to Wheat & go about their lives with the impression everything is fine & it's OK to eat it learning to live with the chronic issues. Or maybe their diagnosed with IBS. The problem is if you're not testing positive for Celiac & do have it, it becomes quite a danger over time. It is not an allergy, it's an Auto-Immune Disease & is cause for concern if not treated.
Well, after schooling you on all the Celiac stuff you probably understand a bit more why my kitchen is at a standstill. And furthermore why I may just cut Gluten out all together, see Bear is having so many symptoms of Gluten Intolerance & if it doesn't show up on her initial blood test we have to do further blood panels & possibly a biopsy of her small intestine.
Yea, I really don't think I'm gonna go there.
Who knows maybe it will show up on the test & I will have answers & if it doesn't Big Daddy & I will figure it out from there, either way I'm sure God will direct our paths.
And my kitchen =)
The Blessed Supermom
You're laying their dazed & confused but there's all this pretty stuff around you & no matter how much you know you should walk away, instead you limp toward the flowers & ask for more....
Now, if you think I'm exaggerating you should take a look at the golf ball sized bruise on my leg!
That being said, the bumps & bruises are worth it I'll go into more detail, but not today.
What is on my mind however is the mysterious allergic reaction the Bear had just over a week ago. I was really leaning toward cheese or some sort of dairy product because she had another reaction (or so it seemed) Wednesday & the only connection I could make was cheese. We also thought it could have been food poisoning but after thinking some that doesn't add up with all her previous tummy issues.
I just spoke to her pediatrician & she has absolutely NO ALLERGIES...UGH...seriously???
Well, we are still waiting for the Gluten Intolerance results & hope to get them tomorrow. But come on really! I am trying not to wig out over here! What's the deal???
I'm really at a loss, I don't even know what to feed her & don't want to give her something hurtful.
Errrggggggg.....
OK, pardon my miniwig.
I think I just made up a word...miniwig...fun.
Anyway, without having clear direction I don't feel comfortable having my regular Monday Cooking Day. I will bake some breads for the week & try to come up with a menu plan but that's about it. I'm also toying with the idea of removing Gluten anyway because an article I read explained the difference between Gluten Intolerance & Wheat Allergy. There is a large portion of people with Celiac Symptoms (gluten intolerance) who don't test positive for it. These people assume maybe they're just allergic to Wheat & go about their lives with the impression everything is fine & it's OK to eat it learning to live with the chronic issues. Or maybe their diagnosed with IBS. The problem is if you're not testing positive for Celiac & do have it, it becomes quite a danger over time. It is not an allergy, it's an Auto-Immune Disease & is cause for concern if not treated.
Well, after schooling you on all the Celiac stuff you probably understand a bit more why my kitchen is at a standstill. And furthermore why I may just cut Gluten out all together, see Bear is having so many symptoms of Gluten Intolerance & if it doesn't show up on her initial blood test we have to do further blood panels & possibly a biopsy of her small intestine.
Yea, I really don't think I'm gonna go there.
Who knows maybe it will show up on the test & I will have answers & if it doesn't Big Daddy & I will figure it out from there, either way I'm sure God will direct our paths.
And my kitchen =)
The Blessed Supermom
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Scared
I tried to come up with some eye catching title right now, but I just don't care. The only words I can think of are scared, frightening, traumatic, terrifying, sick, crying, begging.
My sweet little girl took a flying leap off the bunk bed last night & landed on her head. We heard a loud thud & when we went in the room she was laying face down & not moving. When Hubby picked her up she was limp, she appeared unconscious to me but the Hubby says she wasn't. I went to call an ambulance but she began crying & Hubby said we would drive her to the ER. At this point we were all crying (except for the big tough guy of course) but My Bear was hysterical saying "it's all my fault" & no matter what I said she really believed that. My oldest initially froze, she was crying but not moving just staring & crying.
It was terrifying.
We raced to the ER trying to keep her awake, it was an hour past bedtime & she was naturally tired but we couldn't let her sleep. When we got there she was very upset & crying terribly saying she was scared. There was an ambulance with flashing lights & I think that's what put her over the top. We went straight into triage & after some questions it appeared the nurse who checked her out didn't see a major issue. Not that she was a bad nurse, I don't think that, but she was light about the situation & sent us to the waiting room.
That's when my daughter started vomiting, I harshly told Hubby to get a doctor & for her to be seen "RIGHT NOW"
Don't worry, I immediately apologized, but I knew vomiting could indicate one of several serious head injuries.
The nurse knew that as well & she was taken immediately for a cat scan. During the scan I was allowed to stay with her & prayed so she could here my voice. I kept repeating Psalm 121:1-4
Maybe I should take one of her anti-nausea pills -_-
I'm more than thankful for the outpouring of support we received from family & friends. A prayer request was posted on FB & a text was sent, I feel blessed knowing so many people were praying for her. I ask for your continued prayers, as I said this was somewhat traumatic & my other daughter is convinced she caused this. I'm also asking for prayer because my daughter, "The Monkey" doesn't have that name by chance. She is a beautiful amazing girl who happens to also be quite the tomboy who isn't so good at internal boundaries.
That's how all this happened, she was swinging back & forth on the top bunk (holding onto the railing) while alternating hands. From what I gather she went "spinning thru the air"
So you can see why I need prayer =/
So, I'm gonna end this with a few more words that come to mind...
My help comes from the maker of heaven & earth & He is good ALL THE TIME.
Friends of mine, please don't ever forget that.
The Blessed Supermom
My sweet little girl took a flying leap off the bunk bed last night & landed on her head. We heard a loud thud & when we went in the room she was laying face down & not moving. When Hubby picked her up she was limp, she appeared unconscious to me but the Hubby says she wasn't. I went to call an ambulance but she began crying & Hubby said we would drive her to the ER. At this point we were all crying (except for the big tough guy of course) but My Bear was hysterical saying "it's all my fault" & no matter what I said she really believed that. My oldest initially froze, she was crying but not moving just staring & crying.
It was terrifying.
We raced to the ER trying to keep her awake, it was an hour past bedtime & she was naturally tired but we couldn't let her sleep. When we got there she was very upset & crying terribly saying she was scared. There was an ambulance with flashing lights & I think that's what put her over the top. We went straight into triage & after some questions it appeared the nurse who checked her out didn't see a major issue. Not that she was a bad nurse, I don't think that, but she was light about the situation & sent us to the waiting room.
That's when my daughter started vomiting, I harshly told Hubby to get a doctor & for her to be seen "RIGHT NOW"
Don't worry, I immediately apologized, but I knew vomiting could indicate one of several serious head injuries.
The nurse knew that as well & she was taken immediately for a cat scan. During the scan I was allowed to stay with her & prayed so she could here my voice. I kept repeating Psalm 121:1-4
1 I lift up my eyes to the hills— where does my help come from? 2 My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth 3 He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber; 4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
It was the only scripture I could remember at the moment. Then Hubby held her as I went to registration, since she wasn't with me I could cry, just a little ya know? I didn't want her to see me & be frightened by my actions. I couldn't help but show her some fear when we prayed in the waiting room tho. I laid my hand on her praying & started crying. When you come before His throne pleading for mercy it's not the time to hide your heart.
Maybe I should take one of her anti-nausea pills -_-
I'm more than thankful for the outpouring of support we received from family & friends. A prayer request was posted on FB & a text was sent, I feel blessed knowing so many people were praying for her. I ask for your continued prayers, as I said this was somewhat traumatic & my other daughter is convinced she caused this. I'm also asking for prayer because my daughter, "The Monkey" doesn't have that name by chance. She is a beautiful amazing girl who happens to also be quite the tomboy who isn't so good at internal boundaries.
That's how all this happened, she was swinging back & forth on the top bunk (holding onto the railing) while alternating hands. From what I gather she went "spinning thru the air"
So you can see why I need prayer =/
So, I'm gonna end this with a few more words that come to mind...
thankful, humbled, praising, grace, mercy, love, kindness.
My help comes from the maker of heaven & earth & He is good ALL THE TIME.
Friends of mine, please don't ever forget that.
The Blessed Supermom
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Peanut Butter Fiasco..
OK, so I was doing pretty good with my cooking frenzy & lunchtime came upon me so I forced myself to sit down with the girls to eat. I only had to brown a little more meat, make the guacamole, & peel & slice some cucumbers for Wednesday's salad. BTW, I decided to skip the doughnuts & opted for a lemon cake instead. I'm new to making doughnuts & didn't want to make things more difficult.
It's a good thing too cuz I had a whole other mess on my hands, a peanut butter mess.
So here's the back story, the Piggie has eczema. Nothing that bad, just a few patches here & there. She has gotten a couple more as she's gotten older but I found that calendula cream helps her a lot.
Well, I've heard when lil ones have eczema they're more prone to allergies. I asked my pediatrician at the wee munchkins 1 year check up, she felt my lil piglet was OK. Her reasoning was I was nursing her & I had eaten peanut butter so it was less than likely she had an allergy. I wasn't real satisfied with that answer & figured I'd avoid it as long as I could.
Anyway, with yesterday being so action packed I decided to make a pb & j for the girlies. Normally, I would prepare something different for my wee-est one but I really had my hands full so I decided to give her the dreaded pb.
Well, you guessed it...she had a reaction almost instantly.
still a happy baby =)
The girls & I prayed & to be quite honest I cried...lots. It was a mixture of guilt & fear.
I went against my mothers intuition & gave my baby something that put her at risk & the worst part is I had a feeling.
But God reminded me "therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" Romans 8:1
And I'm going to hold onto that truth form God's Word because I'm simply a Mama who made an honest mistake. We all do that from time to time don't we?
Sooooo, after a dose of benedryl my sweet lil one is back to normal...
Don't ya just love this face!
The Blessed Supermom
Sunday, April 10, 2011
The Hurt Never Really Ends
Well, it finally happened...again. I completely broke down. I know some of you know about my Angel Babies Isaac & Hannah, I lost them both in '08. It was by far the most horrendous time in my life. I felt crushed beyond words & my heart was shattered into a million pieces. I feel as though it's been taped together but some of the pieces are missing & the tape isn't always that strong. At any given moment something can cause the pieces to fall apart & I'm at a loss how to put it back together.
Kinda like Humpty Dumpty...I know weird analogy.
Anyway...
Every now & then I melt down, I mean complete mush. Something triggers the pain & I lose it. Usually, I try to "schedule" these melt downs. Again, I know it sounds weird but I have little ones & responsibilities so I can't just fall apart. Most times I know a melt down is coming & I head over to the cemetery listening to music that reminds me of my babies & proceed to ball my head off.
That didn't happen this time..
Instead it hit me at church.
See, the past few weeks have been very difficult. I've had too many "heart hits" & it began building into this torrential storm in my soul.
It all began when I went to see my neurologist (seizures) & somehow Isaac & Hannah were brought up, as I told him about my sweet babies I began crying. Honestly, I LOVE talking about them but it just hurt this time like it hasn't in a while. As he listened to my story he asked if I'd had testing done to try to find the cause of their deaths. He specifically said "do you know why your babies died"
*SIDE NOTE*
I sincerely appreciated that he called them babies, not fetuses. First of all they are my children & I personally don't care what the heck scientific terminology you want to use. My children were 5 & 6 months in my womb & they are my BABIES. So just be aware, if a woman lost her child at 8 months or 8 weeks that is her BABY. Don't call that baby her fetus, IT HURTS.
OK, rant is over..
Back to my Neuro doc, he asked about testing. I told him I'd had all sorts of testing, in fact I'd had it at Rush Hospital, the hospital I was at seeing him. He began looking for my lab work in the hospital computer. Turns out the Women's Clinic I'd gone to sends their labs out of the hospital. Well, of course he couldn't find them but he did tell me the reason he was looking for them was because lo & behold it turns out there are Neurological Auto-Immune diseases which cause stillborn death.
Go figure!!
Yea, that's angry sarcasm.
Truth is I've had so much testing done including Auto-Immune diseases but I couldn't tell you what. My brain is fried just thinking about it. So we ordered more tests.
Then, I left the office. I walked down the same halls I'd walked before with weakened knees & a racing heart wondering if I'd get an answer. Desperate to know if I could ever have any more children. Broken when I was told I'm sorry we don't know why they died.
By the time I got to my car I felt I was going to either pass out or vomit. I immediately called my husband but he wasn't available. I then called my mom, I tried to explain to her what happened but I was so hysterical I didn't make sense.
I hated the idea of more testing, I hated more anxious worrying for that answer. I started to feel overwhelmed with guilt for my wee munchkin. I knew I should be praising God that if I did have a disease that was somehow missed, my sweet beautiful daughter survived it. But instead I felt terrible that I may or may not have put her life in danger. I felt if I did have a disease that I'd killed my Isaac & Hannah. Now be aware I have many beautiful friends who DO have auto-immune diseases & genetic mutations that have lost little ones & I would NEVER EVER say they were to blame. However, I also know that these same moms understand completely where I'm coming from. That night I came home & hugged my Isaac & Hannah Bear & cried til I had a headache.
After I felt better & I thought I was pretty much OK.
However, that was just strike one..
Well, a few days ago I worked up my nerve. I thought about it & prayed for a week & called my dad asking for the funeral pictures of Isaac & Hannah. When they died my dad took a picture of their little coffins. In my family we always do that at a funeral, it's not some sick twisted weirdness, it's not like it goes in the family photo album. It's just what we do, I suppose it's the last official photo.
At the time he asked if I wanted them & I said no, I told him to keep them for now. I always figured I'd get them when I was ready.
Well, I'll never get them, he deleted them. It was an honest mistake, but now they're gone...forever. A part of my babies.
Gone.
Strike two...
So here we are, now it's Sunday & I'm at church. It was truly a beautiful day, nice bright shiny sun, all sorts of sweet smiling faces & hugs from my family & friends. I was feeling pretty good. Service always starts with a half hour of worship & can I just say that my church has the BEST worship team on the planet. I know you think it's yours but really, it's mine =)
And the drummer on my church's worship team is jaw dropping handsome!!!
Oh...don't worry the drummer is my hubby. (insert sheepish grin here)
So the worship team is rockin' & it's awesome & true to format our worship leader slows it down after a few songs.
This is where I went to pieces.
The song we were led to sing is a song by the name "Hungry"
This is the song we played at Hannah's funeral....Strike three...OUT!!
It hit me hard, I've heard it & sung it so many times but for some reason the words were penetrating me & they hurt. When we played it at her funeral we chose it because of the lyrics....
Hungry, I come to you
For I know You satisfy
I am empty, but I know
Your love does not run dry
So I wait for you
So I wait for You
I’m falling on my knees
Offering all of me
Jesus, You’re all this heart is living for
Broken, I run to You
For Your arms are open wide
I am weary, but I know
Your touch restores my life
After losing Isaac & now having to endure Hannah's death I was completely broken.
Shattered.
It was all I could do to hang on to Jesus for dear life, to run to Him because although I didn't understand in my heart I KNEW somehow He would restore me.
Sunday this song was played & I was back at Hannah's funeral. I couldn't keep it together, I tried, God knows I really did try. I had to leave because I started crying so hard, I raced to the bathroom hiccuping, trying to catch my breath. Finally, I made it in & thankfully a friend of mine hugged me, loved me, & comforted me. My beautiful sister came in & offered me hugs & love too.
Well, now I really do feel better.
But, I've come to the raw conclusion that the hurt never really ends. I've always said to friends & family there is a constant dull ache, every now & then it flares up & intensifies but all in all it's under control.
I don't know if under control are the right words, I suppose it's pain that is managed by a regular dose of acknowledging the hurt & bringing it to God.
But, I've wondered over these past 3 years would there come a time when the tears of intense pain would stop & they would become bittersweet occasional tears. Masked in sweet anticipation of the day I meet Jesus & He hands me my perfect little ones.
I do have tears & days like that. I see a little dress & realize Hannah will never wear it & the ache flares, little tears spring up, & then there's that bittersweet smile.
The days of ridiculous, mind blowing, on the floor, crying til I'm sick are few. I just naively thought someday they would stop.
But as I said the pain never really ends, so I'm going to have terrible days. And it's going to hurt & I'm going to weep, & I'm going to feel the wounds as though their fresh all over again. But I won't be alone, I will come to Him...hungry, broken, empty..
Because I know HE satisfies.
‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
Revelation 21:4
The Blessed Supermom
Kinda like Humpty Dumpty...I know weird analogy.
Anyway...
Every now & then I melt down, I mean complete mush. Something triggers the pain & I lose it. Usually, I try to "schedule" these melt downs. Again, I know it sounds weird but I have little ones & responsibilities so I can't just fall apart. Most times I know a melt down is coming & I head over to the cemetery listening to music that reminds me of my babies & proceed to ball my head off.
That didn't happen this time..
Instead it hit me at church.
See, the past few weeks have been very difficult. I've had too many "heart hits" & it began building into this torrential storm in my soul.
It all began when I went to see my neurologist (seizures) & somehow Isaac & Hannah were brought up, as I told him about my sweet babies I began crying. Honestly, I LOVE talking about them but it just hurt this time like it hasn't in a while. As he listened to my story he asked if I'd had testing done to try to find the cause of their deaths. He specifically said "do you know why your babies died"
*SIDE NOTE*
I sincerely appreciated that he called them babies, not fetuses. First of all they are my children & I personally don't care what the heck scientific terminology you want to use. My children were 5 & 6 months in my womb & they are my BABIES. So just be aware, if a woman lost her child at 8 months or 8 weeks that is her BABY. Don't call that baby her fetus, IT HURTS.
OK, rant is over..
Back to my Neuro doc, he asked about testing. I told him I'd had all sorts of testing, in fact I'd had it at Rush Hospital, the hospital I was at seeing him. He began looking for my lab work in the hospital computer. Turns out the Women's Clinic I'd gone to sends their labs out of the hospital. Well, of course he couldn't find them but he did tell me the reason he was looking for them was because lo & behold it turns out there are Neurological Auto-Immune diseases which cause stillborn death.
Go figure!!
Yea, that's angry sarcasm.
Truth is I've had so much testing done including Auto-Immune diseases but I couldn't tell you what. My brain is fried just thinking about it. So we ordered more tests.
Then, I left the office. I walked down the same halls I'd walked before with weakened knees & a racing heart wondering if I'd get an answer. Desperate to know if I could ever have any more children. Broken when I was told I'm sorry we don't know why they died.
By the time I got to my car I felt I was going to either pass out or vomit. I immediately called my husband but he wasn't available. I then called my mom, I tried to explain to her what happened but I was so hysterical I didn't make sense.
I hated the idea of more testing, I hated more anxious worrying for that answer. I started to feel overwhelmed with guilt for my wee munchkin. I knew I should be praising God that if I did have a disease that was somehow missed, my sweet beautiful daughter survived it. But instead I felt terrible that I may or may not have put her life in danger. I felt if I did have a disease that I'd killed my Isaac & Hannah. Now be aware I have many beautiful friends who DO have auto-immune diseases & genetic mutations that have lost little ones & I would NEVER EVER say they were to blame. However, I also know that these same moms understand completely where I'm coming from. That night I came home & hugged my Isaac & Hannah Bear & cried til I had a headache.
After I felt better & I thought I was pretty much OK.
However, that was just strike one..
Well, a few days ago I worked up my nerve. I thought about it & prayed for a week & called my dad asking for the funeral pictures of Isaac & Hannah. When they died my dad took a picture of their little coffins. In my family we always do that at a funeral, it's not some sick twisted weirdness, it's not like it goes in the family photo album. It's just what we do, I suppose it's the last official photo.
At the time he asked if I wanted them & I said no, I told him to keep them for now. I always figured I'd get them when I was ready.
Well, I'll never get them, he deleted them. It was an honest mistake, but now they're gone...forever. A part of my babies.
Gone.
Strike two...
So here we are, now it's Sunday & I'm at church. It was truly a beautiful day, nice bright shiny sun, all sorts of sweet smiling faces & hugs from my family & friends. I was feeling pretty good. Service always starts with a half hour of worship & can I just say that my church has the BEST worship team on the planet. I know you think it's yours but really, it's mine =)
And the drummer on my church's worship team is jaw dropping handsome!!!
Oh...don't worry the drummer is my hubby. (insert sheepish grin here)
So the worship team is rockin' & it's awesome & true to format our worship leader slows it down after a few songs.
This is where I went to pieces.
The song we were led to sing is a song by the name "Hungry"
This is the song we played at Hannah's funeral....Strike three...OUT!!
It hit me hard, I've heard it & sung it so many times but for some reason the words were penetrating me & they hurt. When we played it at her funeral we chose it because of the lyrics....
Hungry, I come to you
For I know You satisfy
I am empty, but I know
Your love does not run dry
So I wait for you
So I wait for You
I’m falling on my knees
Offering all of me
Jesus, You’re all this heart is living for
Broken, I run to You
For Your arms are open wide
I am weary, but I know
Your touch restores my life
After losing Isaac & now having to endure Hannah's death I was completely broken.
Shattered.
It was all I could do to hang on to Jesus for dear life, to run to Him because although I didn't understand in my heart I KNEW somehow He would restore me.
Sunday this song was played & I was back at Hannah's funeral. I couldn't keep it together, I tried, God knows I really did try. I had to leave because I started crying so hard, I raced to the bathroom hiccuping, trying to catch my breath. Finally, I made it in & thankfully a friend of mine hugged me, loved me, & comforted me. My beautiful sister came in & offered me hugs & love too.
Well, now I really do feel better.
But, I've come to the raw conclusion that the hurt never really ends. I've always said to friends & family there is a constant dull ache, every now & then it flares up & intensifies but all in all it's under control.
I don't know if under control are the right words, I suppose it's pain that is managed by a regular dose of acknowledging the hurt & bringing it to God.
But, I've wondered over these past 3 years would there come a time when the tears of intense pain would stop & they would become bittersweet occasional tears. Masked in sweet anticipation of the day I meet Jesus & He hands me my perfect little ones.
I do have tears & days like that. I see a little dress & realize Hannah will never wear it & the ache flares, little tears spring up, & then there's that bittersweet smile.
The days of ridiculous, mind blowing, on the floor, crying til I'm sick are few. I just naively thought someday they would stop.
But as I said the pain never really ends, so I'm going to have terrible days. And it's going to hurt & I'm going to weep, & I'm going to feel the wounds as though their fresh all over again. But I won't be alone, I will come to Him...hungry, broken, empty..
Because I know HE satisfies.
‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
Revelation 21:4
The Blessed Supermom
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Painful Owies, A Lesson In Forgiveness, & A Serious Lack of Sleep
Picture this, you're peacefully driving along when your hubby calls you, gingerly you pick up the phone, "Hi baby! " Instantly it's apparent something is wrong, there's fear in his voice, hysterical screaming in the background & he's saying "you need to get home, you need to get home right now"
I didn't smash my face but that's what he thought so that's what he said & after many years with him I've gotten used to waiting the whopping one minute it takes for him to rethink his statement. But this time he wasn't wavering, he was scared & you could here it in his voice. He was also very calm which made me very nervous. He told me that my 4 year old pushed my 8 year old, I thought "OK, is it that bad? Did she break a bone" Turns out Monkey pushed her off the toilet that she was standing on right into the bathtub. My sweet Bear landed on her back banging her head as the shower curtain & rod fell atop her stomach.
I told him to get her ready & that I would take her to the ER, I just had altogether a bad feeling. Now, I'm not the Mama in the hospital every other week, I used to be but after all the flu's, twisted ankles, & mystery fevers 4 kids bring I tend more often than not to be Dr & Nurse.
However, with the fact that she was dizzy, nauseous, & "tired" this had head trauma written all over it.
Sooooo, I got home & brought my sweetness to the ER where they triage her quickly & the doc ordered a CT. After a short wait we met with doctor who checked her out both physically & neurologically, he said getting a CT wasn't the best option for my baby (radiation exposure) & that she had a concussion. What she needed was pain meds & plenty of rest.
I was glad Bear didn't need to go thru any tests & that we could go home.
Now, through all this mess...the fear, stress, & worry I was amazed at my daughters reaction to the ordeal.
Instead, she asked that we call her from the waiting room where she proceeded to tell her "I just wanna tell you I love you & I forgive you, even if you don't say you're sorry, I know you didn't mean to cause me all this trouble"
WOW! WEE!! WOW!! WOW!!!
I was floored!
How many times do I pout & hold a grudge against my husband just for lookin at me funny? Or worse yet how many times do I harbor resentment towards my children when they aren't behaving as they should??
My 8 year old taught me a huge lesson in forgiveness, she chose in her heart to forgive her sister & show her grace when she didn't deserve it, it amazes me because on the way to the ER she told me "Mommy, ya know that scripture you told us about yesterday? The one about God giving....ummmm, ummmm..oh yeah! Grace??I was just thinking about that"
She was referencing James 4:6 “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”
I feel privileged to watch God's grace through my beautiful & humble little girl.
I'm very proud of my sweet princess, she had a terrible experience & came out of it with a few bumps & bruises but her heart was unscathed.
This Mama has had a very long night & the bed is calling out to me, it's only a few hours til the Wee Munchkin makes her presence known, so I leave you with this...
Today, when someone cuts you off, when you get that snide remark from the check out girl, when that one family member continues to treat you unfairly...remember the reaction of a little girl who had every right to get angry. She had every "right" to give the cold shoulder & hold a grudge, but instead she chose to be a blessing, not a curse..instead she chose to "be Christ" to another.
The Blessed Supermom
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
History In The Making *UPDATE*
Tomorrow, I'm taking my kids & making a stand. Tomorrow, my children will witness firsthand a hearing in which Senate Bill 136 will be discussed. SB 136 may not ring any bells for you, but for us Illinois Homeschoolers it's the "hot topic"
Simply put, back in January Senator Edward Maloney filed a bill in reference to non-public private schools (homeschools are in this category) mandating registration. Now, what's the big deal with registering right?? Really, "if you have nothing to hide, why can't you register your children"
I'm making an angry face right now...
Well, let me 'splain a few things. Senator Maloney has stated that homeschoolers in Illinois should be registered with their local school districts and admitted that he doesn't understand why they are so opposed to his newly-introduced SB 136.
"We're not going for the private school students, we're going to change that [in the proposal]. What we want to know is where the homeschoolers are. It's as simple as that," Maloney said from his Springfield office.
Well, why?? Plain & simple...why??
Why does the state have any say so over where my children are? Why should Senator Maloney have any control over how a free private individual chooses to raise their child. This is not a police state, in fact we live in a country founded on liberty & freedom so again I ask...why??
Now, it doesn't just stop at registration, it appears that way but it's so much more. Background checks & fingerprints run on the teachers A.K.A. mommy, attendance records, teaching diversity....ummm, no.
And so on & so on. This really is just getting a foot in the door of our households & I honestly feel it's a money issue as well. Do you know how much money the state of Illinois spends per child???
A whopping $8, 000 bux! And that's just an average, it can range from $5,000 to $18,000. Oh! And by the way, the numbers I'm giving you are from back in '07.
So basically if we go with the low end here, $5,000 & it was 2007 then the state would be losing 10 grand a year from my family alone. Considering, I've been homeschooling 4 years, that's at the very least $40,000.
It has been more than well determined all across this nation that government run education programs have been deemed high-priced failures. How much money has been spent to date?? Yet there are countless studies, proposals, suggestions and plans all across the nation to improve public education, still the public school students in this country continue to fall behind their peers in other nations.
Now, can you could understand how I, who have stayed out of government run education might be opposed to that same government now attempting to insert itself into my own freely chosen and clear education methods.
Tomorrow, thousands of Illinois homeschoolers will make a stand for our God given freedom. Tomorrow, my children will see History in the Making...
* Unfortunately my family was unable to attend, things fell through at the last minute. However, the Capitol was flooded with 4,000 homeschoolers...
Simply put, back in January Senator Edward Maloney filed a bill in reference to non-public private schools (homeschools are in this category) mandating registration. Now, what's the big deal with registering right?? Really, "if you have nothing to hide, why can't you register your children"
I'm making an angry face right now...
Well, let me 'splain a few things. Senator Maloney has stated that homeschoolers in Illinois should be registered with their local school districts and admitted that he doesn't understand why they are so opposed to his newly-introduced SB 136.
"We're not going for the private school students, we're going to change that [in the proposal]. What we want to know is where the homeschoolers are. It's as simple as that," Maloney said from his Springfield office.
Well, why?? Plain & simple...why??
Why does the state have any say so over where my children are? Why should Senator Maloney have any control over how a free private individual chooses to raise their child. This is not a police state, in fact we live in a country founded on liberty & freedom so again I ask...why??
Now, it doesn't just stop at registration, it appears that way but it's so much more. Background checks & fingerprints run on the teachers A.K.A. mommy, attendance records, teaching diversity....ummm, no.
And so on & so on. This really is just getting a foot in the door of our households & I honestly feel it's a money issue as well. Do you know how much money the state of Illinois spends per child???
A whopping $8, 000 bux! And that's just an average, it can range from $5,000 to $18,000. Oh! And by the way, the numbers I'm giving you are from back in '07.
So basically if we go with the low end here, $5,000 & it was 2007 then the state would be losing 10 grand a year from my family alone. Considering, I've been homeschooling 4 years, that's at the very least $40,000.
It has been more than well determined all across this nation that government run education programs have been deemed high-priced failures. How much money has been spent to date?? Yet there are countless studies, proposals, suggestions and plans all across the nation to improve public education, still the public school students in this country continue to fall behind their peers in other nations.
Now, can you could understand how I, who have stayed out of government run education might be opposed to that same government now attempting to insert itself into my own freely chosen and clear education methods.
Tomorrow, thousands of Illinois homeschoolers will make a stand for our God given freedom. Tomorrow, my children will see History in the Making...
* Unfortunately my family was unable to attend, things fell through at the last minute. However, the Capitol was flooded with 4,000 homeschoolers...
The Home School Legal Defense Association stated that this was the largest turn out they've witnessed, many came to peacefully demonstrate their opposition to the proposed bill. While waiting for the hearing to start, the crowd began to sing. Strains of "America the Beautiful," "God Bless America," "Amazing Grace," and "The Star-Spangled Banner" drifted into the committee room. I'm certain it was more than beautiful & no one present will ever forget the passionate crowd of parents, grandparents, & children singing, and the sense that their presence made a powerful statement in defense of liberty.
Those in favor of SB 136 began their testimonies, a truant officer stated that if our children were out of doors, they were considered "truant" & not in a teaching environment. He also stated that through registration he would have access to info to "check on us & offer his help"
When asked how would he knew whether or not a home school needed help he stated "the ones who are doing a great job won't let me go, they'll want me to come in. The ones who say we don't want you around, well then I need to take action"
Sir, I don't want you around....
Some senators worried about homeschoolers "falling through the cracks." The sad truth is that the public schools do not have the solution to "falling through the cracks!" Why have the least effective system of education supervise the most effective system?
I'd like to end this post with a quote from Scott Woodruff of HSLDA when testifying at Tuesday's hearing....
"You may have been surprised by the level of intensity & opposition to this bill. Many homeschoolers frankly, are content to focus on hearth & home. But, when their children are threatened, or their freedom is threatened, by a bill like 136. Ordinary folks are turned into political activists"
First, please..bring this before the Throne of God..ask for His blessing & favor.
If you haven't already...Please contact Sen. Maloney and ask him to withdraw--NOT AMEND--his bill.
Those in favor of SB 136 began their testimonies, a truant officer stated that if our children were out of doors, they were considered "truant" & not in a teaching environment. He also stated that through registration he would have access to info to "check on us & offer his help"
When asked how would he knew whether or not a home school needed help he stated "the ones who are doing a great job won't let me go, they'll want me to come in. The ones who say we don't want you around, well then I need to take action"
Sir, I don't want you around....
Some senators worried about homeschoolers "falling through the cracks." The sad truth is that the public schools do not have the solution to "falling through the cracks!" Why have the least effective system of education supervise the most effective system?
I'd like to end this post with a quote from Scott Woodruff of HSLDA when testifying at Tuesday's hearing....
"You may have been surprised by the level of intensity & opposition to this bill. Many homeschoolers frankly, are content to focus on hearth & home. But, when their children are threatened, or their freedom is threatened, by a bill like 136. Ordinary folks are turned into political activists"
First, please..bring this before the Throne of God..ask for His blessing & favor.
If you haven't already...Please contact Sen. Maloney and ask him to withdraw--NOT AMEND--his bill.
Springfield Office:
Phone: (217) 782-5145
Fax: (217) 557-3930
Chicago Office:
Phone: (773) 881-4180
Fax: (773) 881-4243
Phone: (773) 881-4180
Fax: (773) 881-4243
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
A Letter to My Daughter...Happy Birthday!!
Hi My Sweet Girl...
Time has gone by so quickly, It feels as though just yesterday I saw your sweet face for the first time. You were so tiny & beautiful, absolutely perfect...
I was so very nervous about meeting you, I just didn't know what to expect. God had taken your big brother Isaac & your big sister Hannah to Heaven with Him, so I was anxious to hold you in my arms & kiss you. Daddy was so wonderful to me & prayed & helped me to stay calm. I remember looking at your beautiful little poofy face, you were so amazing. Daddy looked in your eyes & said "just a few hours ago these eyes were looking into the faces of Angels"
What an amazing thought!!
Now, here we are...one year later.
My beautiful girl, you changed my life...God used you to give me Hope when I was so broken. You are a wonderful gift & I'm so thankful for you. I have loved every moment with you, all 525,949.2 of them =)
I'm happy with all the sleepless nights, all the pacing, bouncing, & fussiness. I'm thankful for all the smiles, giggles, squeals, & laughter.
I love you more & more everyday!!
Happy Birthday my Beautiful One!
The Blessed Supermom
Today you are one year old!
Time has gone by so quickly, It feels as though just yesterday I saw your sweet face for the first time. You were so tiny & beautiful, absolutely perfect...
What an amazing thought!!
Now, here we are...one year later.
I'm happy with all the sleepless nights, all the pacing, bouncing, & fussiness. I'm thankful for all the smiles, giggles, squeals, & laughter.
I love you more & more everyday!!
Happy Birthday my Beautiful One!
The Blessed Supermom
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Entrepreneurial (thank God for spell check) Meeting
Last night I attended my first entrepreneurial meeting.
Basically, it's a think tank party, or maybe you could call it a brainstorming shin dig...it was amazing!!
I had the honor of sitting in a room full of fantastic women & sharing my goals, dreams, & aspirations with them. Then they put their heads together & began giving me wonderful ideas to see my dreams to fruition.
I hafta say I feel so blessed because God put these desires in my heart but I felt so small & incapable. Now, let me say I don't think little of myself, it's just that when the LORD puts a God sized dream on your heart...well it can be intimidating. And without giving you all the nook & cranny details, my dreams are....BIG.
After last nights meeting I feel my dreams are no longer just dreams...they're possibilities! They are attainable & within my reach, I'm encouraged & for the first time I know I'm capable.
Ya know that old saying "where there's a will, there's a way"
Well, I'd like to change that...
"when it's God's will, there's always a way"
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philipians 4:13
The Blessed Supermom
Basically, it's a think tank party, or maybe you could call it a brainstorming shin dig...it was amazing!!
I had the honor of sitting in a room full of fantastic women & sharing my goals, dreams, & aspirations with them. Then they put their heads together & began giving me wonderful ideas to see my dreams to fruition.
I hafta say I feel so blessed because God put these desires in my heart but I felt so small & incapable. Now, let me say I don't think little of myself, it's just that when the LORD puts a God sized dream on your heart...well it can be intimidating. And without giving you all the nook & cranny details, my dreams are....BIG.
After last nights meeting I feel my dreams are no longer just dreams...they're possibilities! They are attainable & within my reach, I'm encouraged & for the first time I know I'm capable.
Ya know that old saying "where there's a will, there's a way"
Well, I'd like to change that...
"when it's God's will, there's always a way"
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philipians 4:13
The Blessed Supermom
Friday, December 31, 2010
A Prayer For The New Year
Walking into this New Year I had a lot of thoughts of what to post about. But just now in some quiet time I had with God I realized all I really want to do is pray, so that's what I did.
I'd like to pray for you right now too....
Father God, I come before you thanking you for my dear friends. I thank you God for each person reading this post & how you brought them into my life. Lord I feel really led to pray for those of my friends that are wounded. Father, so many are hurting, so many are in pain tonight.
I have friends that are reading this who have empty arms & they are longing for their little ones. Lord, I cry out to you asking that as they enter into this new year that you would bring healing to their heart, soul, & minds. That they would feel the peace that surpasses all understanding & the power of your restoration. I ask this in Jesus matchless name.
Lord, there are others reading this that are broken in spirit. The trials of this past year were overwhelming & my friends are weakened. I ask God that you would strengthen them by the power of the Holy Spirit. Father you are mighty & able, please pour out your Spirit on your children.
Lord, I come to you on behalf of those that are ailing. Lord, you are the Mighty Physician. I ask Lord that you would bring healing to their bodies. Father, that you would touch them miraculously & that you would get all the Glory.
I pray Father for those feeling condemned & ashamed. Those that are unsure of who they are in Christ. Let them know Lord that your mercy is new every morning & that you hold every tear they cry in your Mighty hands.
Lord, please let these wounded broken hearts know that you will never leave them, never forsake them. That you love unconditionally & cherish them dearly. Lord, help them have the courage to release what they "feel" & be free in the knowledge of their loving ABBA FATHER.
Most of all Lord I pray for my friends that are lost. Lord, for those that may be reading this, wondering what is that ache in their heart? Wanting to know what will fill the emptiness?
Lord, I pray they would come to know Jesus as their Savior. I pray you would use me Lord in their lives however you see fit. Give me the courage to be bold for you. Fill my mouth with the words their ears need to hear.
I praise you Lord for the year to come. I step out in faith that 2011 will be a wonderful year. I believe & claim this for not only myself & my family but for my friends as well.
In Jesus Holy Name....AMEN
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
I'd like to pray for you right now too....
Father God, I come before you thanking you for my dear friends. I thank you God for each person reading this post & how you brought them into my life. Lord I feel really led to pray for those of my friends that are wounded. Father, so many are hurting, so many are in pain tonight.
I have friends that are reading this who have empty arms & they are longing for their little ones. Lord, I cry out to you asking that as they enter into this new year that you would bring healing to their heart, soul, & minds. That they would feel the peace that surpasses all understanding & the power of your restoration. I ask this in Jesus matchless name.
Lord, there are others reading this that are broken in spirit. The trials of this past year were overwhelming & my friends are weakened. I ask God that you would strengthen them by the power of the Holy Spirit. Father you are mighty & able, please pour out your Spirit on your children.
Lord, I come to you on behalf of those that are ailing. Lord, you are the Mighty Physician. I ask Lord that you would bring healing to their bodies. Father, that you would touch them miraculously & that you would get all the Glory.
I pray Father for those feeling condemned & ashamed. Those that are unsure of who they are in Christ. Let them know Lord that your mercy is new every morning & that you hold every tear they cry in your Mighty hands.
Lord, please let these wounded broken hearts know that you will never leave them, never forsake them. That you love unconditionally & cherish them dearly. Lord, help them have the courage to release what they "feel" & be free in the knowledge of their loving ABBA FATHER.
Most of all Lord I pray for my friends that are lost. Lord, for those that may be reading this, wondering what is that ache in their heart? Wanting to know what will fill the emptiness?
Lord, I pray they would come to know Jesus as their Savior. I pray you would use me Lord in their lives however you see fit. Give me the courage to be bold for you. Fill my mouth with the words their ears need to hear.
I praise you Lord for the year to come. I step out in faith that 2011 will be a wonderful year. I believe & claim this for not only myself & my family but for my friends as well.
In Jesus Holy Name....AMEN
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
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