Thursday, October 18, 2012
There I said it...uh typed it.
Anyway, I haven't "worked" in 10 years & ya know what??? That's a very long time & I'm really scared. I mean let me just be real here ya know? I feel so incapable, so out of the loop. Almost like filling out these applications in front of me is pointless because my availability is so specific & again I haven't worked since dinosaurs roamed the Earth.
Then there's the slim chance I actually get a job I feel like I'll be lucky enough to have an 18 year old teeny bopper telling me what to do! I have an almost 18 year old teeny bopper of my own!!
And yes I have to just shoot for retail because I've never been the "career girl" my desire was always to be home with my babies & I've been blessed a lot longer than other Mama's but now it's time to get back out there.
I don't want to...I mean I really really don't want to. I want to be with my family & not away from them.
I'm really torn because I know that this is a need right now but I feel scared & upset that right now my life isn't a cake walk. I'm upset that money isn't falling from trees & everything is NOT okay. Oh, I know it will be & ultimately God is my provider but I can be upset sometimes right??
I suppose I have to look at all the positives right? There will be a financial cushion & the extra income helps build credit leading us ever so closer to that dream home. Being away from my babies will only make me cherish them more. Then of course this gives me the opportunity to minister to others. To be a light to the lost & oh I will be. Because let me tell you one thing that I'm certain of, nothing absolutely nothing will ever make me hide my God. So I will be wearing His love on me daily & hope to be some salt.
Pray for me will you? This is gonna be a tough transition for myself & my family.
The Blessed Supermom
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Now lately there are more recent things happening like the diagnosis of my step moms lung cancer, financial fall outs, relational issues.
So much mess, so much to CONTROL.
See I don't think trying to get things in order is necessarily a bad thing because it really isn't but discernment is vital.
For example, I can control my end of relationships but I most definitely have absolutely no control of how someone treats me. I have control over what I'll allow.
Will I let a person hurt me? No, I can control that persons involvement in my life. Can I control there behavior? No
To try & do so is futile.
How about my step moms cancer?
Well, the cruel truth is I have absolutely no say so over that one.
So I can make myself crazy thinking of how horrible God is for allowing it. Maybe how terrible the air quality is in our environment. I can jump up & down about all the things that should be.
Or....I could let go of the control. I could release all of this insanity & accept I am powerless.
I like the idea of letting go, I mean don't get me wrong letting go isn't easy. In fact it's real hard but I think trying to micro manage every little hairy detail of life is a lot harder.
So as for me I'm gonna try & do the letting go thing.
I'm still gonna be ticked off if someone treats me poorly but I think choosing to set up boundaries instead of going batty trying to make them act a certain way. I'm still upset beyond words that my stepmother is battling cancer but I'll do the only thing I can.
That's the best choice don't ya think?
Monday, August 20, 2012
I'm just blown away ya know, like can this really be happening?? Did this evil monster really just invade our family? I can't even process this. I know that I'm angry cuz that's what I do to cover up my pain. Learned that one in my ACOA class (oh joy)
But really I don't want to accept this, I don't wanna cry & feel and all that stupid crap. I just wanna smash things & scream!
Yes, hi...my name is Tina and I'm the lunatic of the family.
I'm in this throw of emotion knowing I need to pull myself together & be an encouragement to my stepmom & my father. I KNOW that I need to bring this all to the Lords feet and trust in Him.
Sometimes it's just so very hard to do that. Sometimes you need to wig out a little first. That's where I am...the wigging stage.
I love my stepmom & I'm gonna do all I can to give her all the love she needs.
I'm gonna continuously pray that God shows her favor.
Love you Adriana
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Sorry..life ya know it takes up most of my days. Things like insanely painful headaches sending me to the ER 3x's. Sicky little people. How's about my husbands building catching fire & not knowing whether he's outside of it & safe?
Yea, lotsa stuff.
But that's not what I'm doing here tonight. What I'm doing here is venting about one of the commitments I made to myself at the beginning of the year. Which one you ask?
Oh, the hardest one! The commitment of diving into my past to find out what makes me tick.
Can I just say that the deeper I go & the more my eyes are open the more nuttier I see I am. I don't mean that to put myself down, truth is you're nutty too, maybe ya just don't know it yet.
See we ALL fall short of the glory of God & to put it in my own words we're all jacked up. We have all grown up in homes that were dysfunctional to some degree & we now carry that into our present life. Maybe you grew up in a home that was basically "normal" but began an unhealthy relationship with someone & that triggered those not so prominent dysfunctions from childhood. Those dysfunctions have grown & became genuine issues now.
My point is we all have a story & we're all "nutty" to some degree.
Me? I'm waaaay nutty!
I'm not ready to divulge every aspect of this new group I'm in, I've mentioned it before remember? It's basically a two year commitment into really digging deep into painful issues. And point blank sometimes it just sucks. I mean for me that is. I can honestly say I don't like all this stuff I'm learning because it hurts so bad. However I believe & trust that God is revealing these painful things to bring healing to me.
I think of it like an infection.
Look at it this way you get a cut & it's not properly cared for, eventually it becomes infected. So here you are with this painful cut & it's starting to sting & swell, you begin to think this hurts so much I can't wait for the Dr or antibiotics. I'm just gonna press down real hard on all the swelling & release the gross pus & goo.
So with teeth clenched that's what ya do & maybe...just maybe if you're lucky the infection is cleared.
It's likely though that you're still infected & without the proper care & treatment the infection will continue to grow & spread.
So do you get my gross analogy? Basically what I'm saying is I've been living with this infection in my heart & spirit all my life & now it's time to see the Dr & get real healing. It's just that after all these years the work involved isn't as easy as popping pills. I have to get deep down to all the roots & yank them out. I have to do things I don't like.
Like feel feelings. Maybe that sounds daft but it's true, I greatly dislike being vulnerable. Even with myself! So now to actually acknowledge this or that is truly foreign & strange. I mean I know it's healthy & right & I encourage others to share their heart but it's difficult to heed my own advice.
All of this is a bit overwhelming & new to me but I can see God's hand in all of this & it's honestly amazing. Something I'm noticing is the blessings of the women God has given me in this group. Thinking of these women makes me feel like crying with gratitude (not used to feeling that)
I can honestly say these women are in my heart...forever. They are truly beautiful & God has used each & every single one of them to minister to me & open my eyes. They also help me feel less crazy! When I can hear someone share a feeling or thought they're having & I can actually relate it's like "whoa! I'm not the only one! Awesome!"
It really really helps me to have people in my life that are genuine & non judgemental.
Well, I think I'm done ranting for now & I would like to say I'm gonna run off & do some really emotionally healthy thing right now like journal or meditate. But nah...I'm gonna eat chocolate & yea it's dysfunctional but chocolate taste good & it makes me happy =)
The Blessed Supermom
Monday, May 21, 2012
I shared in a previous blog post that one of my goals for the year would be confronting some past issues affecting my present. Recently I began an intense support group for Adult Children of Alcoholics & it's been more than difficult.
I've always known growing up in that environment affected me but I never knew to what degree. I have a tendency to minimize the life I lived because I don't want to shame my family or throw a pity party. I'm always afraid I'll make it bigger than it actually was & be found a liar. But the truth is I'm not even sure the magnitude of the dysfunction because my memory is vague at best.
For many years I believed it to be the norm to forget ones childhood but now I know that to be untrue.
I mean sure you can't remember every little detail but I have whole chunks wiped clean.
Recently bits & pieces are coming to the surface & I'm getting scared. My support leader (who happens to be beautiful & amazing) keeps reassuring me that God wont bring to the surface what He wont give me the grace to walk through.
I know that to be true but it's still frightening. The unknown has a sense of foreboding. Who doesn't get a little queasy in the tummy when trying something new? We all do!
And what I'm dealing with isn't just something new, it's something that affected me so much my brain filed it away so I could continue to function.
That's really scary to me.
I'm afraid of what's in that unknown place of my mind, I'm afraid of the monster waiting there for me & what it knows about me.
But the one thing I do know is God will carry me & protect me. I know He wont leave me nor did he ever.
I'll just wait on Him to show me what I need to see & trust that whatever it is will be healed & bring healing to others as well.
Monday, April 30, 2012
The Blessed Supermom
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
The Blessed Supermom