Wednesday, March 28, 2012

God is still GOD

I'm typing this from Hope Childrens hospital pediatric ER. My little princess is being observed. We came in because my sweetie had a fever & what appeared to be an odd rash forming around the eyes.
I could give you all sorts of details but what it boils down to is she's being observed because initially we were looking at a possible blood infection. Specifically meningitis. Docs wanted to do a lumbar puncture & "aggressively treat" as a worse case scenario by pumping antibiotics & everything else possible. Thankfully preliminary blood results look favorable & we are NOT doing a spinal. We are waiting for some more results but at this point it appears my baby girl is going home some time tomorrow. My princess is sleeping peacefully right now.
I can't express enough the fear that grips when you hear a word like meningitis. It's beyond terrifying.
See, I would like to say I'm naive & thought things like meningitis are well controlled & stuff like that doesn't happen anymore.
Modern medicine ya know?
But I know all too well that all sorts of "things" that you THINK are no more can jump up & slap you.
My babygirl has been poked & prodded with everything from a needle to a catheter. Does a beautiful two year old really have to endure this? It's times like this I want to scream out "Why God why??? Why my baby?!!"
And in my heart I do.
I can't sit here & be all peachy & act like I'm not afraid because I'm scared silly. However, God is still GOD.
He is the same now as He was this morning. He is the same God who delivered Isaac by bringing a ram to sacrifice, He is the same God who set free the Israelites. He is the same God who chose to take my Isaac & Hannah Joy to heaven. In all these things He remains good! He remains faithful. And although I question in my heart "why God?" I hold to the truth of who He is & I will not let that go.
As for me & my house we will SERVE THE LORD. That is not contingent upon what our day holds.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Meeting Michelle Dugger

Just one week ago I had the honor of meeting Michelle Duggar. Ya know Ultimate Supermama to a gergillion amazing kids??
Okay maybe not a gergillion but 19 is a lot if you ask me. I've always been so very impressed with her take on life family & children. She amazes me to no end on her ability to show Christ to her children. I'm not praising her because I want to be her it's just that I truly admire this woman. She has the gentle spirit God calls us mamas & wives to have. I struggle with that because I'm not that soft spoken woman, I'm naturally loud & playful. My husband appears to like my dry humor at times & gets a kick out of the fact I can keep up with his one liners.
But I digress.

As we drove to church where The Duggar Family would be speaking my daughter asked me if I was nervous to meet Michelle & to my surprise I was! I know that I've always wanted to meet her because of all the reasons I just stated, of course it would be nice to meet this Godly woman & chat. I was never unsettled about the possibility of meeting before.
But now there was something more, it wasn't a simple chat anymore. It was deeper.

Michelle & I share a bond, we belong to a club & were never given a choice to join. The club is one no one wants to be in yet 1 in every 4 women is in this club.
It's the club of Mommies with little ones waiting at Jesus feet for Mama.
Because of this bond we share meeting Michelle became more intimidating. I knew the substance of our conversation no matter how short would be so much meatier. It wouldn't be compliments on her children or advice on freezer cooking, it would be the instant connection of holding your wee baby & having to let go & say goodbye.
Jim Bob & Michelle shared a beautiful testimony of their love for the Lord & one another but again that wasn't my only focus. As I made my way up to meeting Michelle after they spoke my palms began to sweat because I wasn't quite sure what to say, all I knew was this is what I asked God for.
In December when I heard that Michelle lost her little one I cried & asked God to connect me to Michelle in some way. My heart is so burdened for empty armed Mommies & whenever I hear of a broken hearted Mommy I ask God to help me minister to that person.
So here I was 5 feet away from this woman I honestly never thought I would get near. I had no idea God was going to say yes to my request so I was more than unprepared. Nervous? Most definitely.

Satan began flooding my mind as soon as I made the decision that I would speak to Michelle. I began questioning how I of all people could be of any use to her?? I mean this is SUPER MEGA MAMA!!
How dare I be so bold as to think I can offer her wisdom & wasn't I simply going to make a complete fool of myself?? Just like when I spoke to Todd Smith after the loss of his daughter (btw, I wasn't remotely foolish that time)
But these were the thoughts rushing through my mind as I approached her & more than once I thought I'm going to say hello & offer her this gift bag & let her read my little note on her own time. I'm not going to mention her little Jubilee nor my Isaac & Hannah Joy, I'll just walk away.

But you see God doesn't allow me to walk away, if ever he has something to say & chooses to use my mouth I can't walk away, I can not disobey no matter how much I want to. I'm not saying I'm Tina the super christian I'm simply so pressed down by the Holy Spirit I become unable to avoid what I'm called to do. God knows how a combination of insecurity & outright stubbornness can be a hindrance so in all honesty He kinda flattens me in those moments & if I want to stand upright again I need to do as He is saying. What He was saying that night was "tell her"
He was saying to tell her about the picture. See I have a beautiful card I give to Mommies when they have to say goodbye. It is the most heart healing picture of Jesus holding a sweet baby as He sways back & forth in a rocking chair.
That image is precious. It is wonderful because it is truth, it is the beauty of that innocent pure truth of the reality of our children in Heaven. They are waiting in Jesus arms & when I stop to think of the reality of that it takes my breath away. I remember when I spoke a letter I had written to my Hannah girl at her funeral & read that she was in Heaven, I paused closing my eyes & said "that is the truth & the truth sets you free"
God gave me that picture just then of her playing in Heaven & being free, that image freed me as well.
God simply told me to tell Michelle that the picture on the card was for her & to look at it & remember the truth.
I can't say what the card did for Michelle, I truly don't know but being the humble Godly woman she has shown herself to be I believe that it spoke to her heart.
So yes, I met Michelle Duggar & yes we have this unfortunate bond but we also share the hope of not grieving as the world grieves because God in His awesome glory has set us free.

The Blessed Supermom
Revelation 21:4

Saturday, March 17, 2012

He Loves...

Ever feel so low? I mean like "how can this be my life"
Is this really happening? I'm sure you've felt that way, I know I have & still do at times. But the beauty of Gods unconditional love is beyond compare it's above all understanding & reason.
There are no words to describe His awesome overwhelming grace & beauty. There is no greater feeling that knowing in this state of brokenness & sin He still loves. There is no pit I can dig so deep He can't remove me from it, wash me clean, & LOVE me.
Oh God, LORD of my life, lover of my I worship you. I adore you my father. You are my portion & I will forever lift my hands & praise you.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012


Look at muh babee!! Is she adorable or what? We went to see the eye doc Monday & to my surprise the Monkey needs reading glasses. I suppose I shouldn't be too shocked considering I came out the womb wearing spectacles!
Either way I was a little droopy when it was becoming apparent where her appointment was heading. As I heard her say this or that was blurry my heart sunk a little thinking she was gonna end up blind as a bat like her Mama.
Example....the first time Big Daddy took me to an eye appointment he saw just how bad my eyes are. For some reason before my check up I was to look down a long hallway & on the far wall was the letter chart. I was supposed to call out letters as I saw them, I explained I couldn't see well & wouldn't see much. I was told just start walking & when you can clearly make out the top letter let us know. I walked within one foot of the wall before I finally saw the ginourmous "E" in front of me.

Big Daddy still makes fun of me.

That being said I'm sure you can understand my apprehension for my children to have poor eyesight.
However, eye doc said Monkey is only to wear glasses during school time & nothing else. He prescription is pretty light & we could of left her with no glasses but that would of caused more problems. Her eyes are already compensating for the nearsidedness so it was very likely we woulda been toast if we waited.

And I mean come on, she's so stinkin cute with em!
She was trying on all sorts of glasses before her appointment & we both thought these purple ones were adorable on her. When we were told she needed glasses she tried on a few but ended up sticking with her first choice.

I really wish I coulda got a pic of her with her big cheesey smile because lets face it, this kid has got just about the best smile in the world. With the glasses I couldn't help but smooch her all over her face when she flashed those that fantastic grin at me.

The Blessed Supermom