I survived.....I think.
I think I survived Day 1 of my diet, the reason I say "I think" is because there are still a few hours left in the day & there is fresh bread just waiting for me to slather it with butter & devour it before anyone knows.
Honestly, this is a lot harder than I remember, has the first day always been this difficult?? I'm hungrier than ever, I feel like I could violently break in the windows of a bakery & eat EVERYTHING. I don't understand my tummy.
Usually I don't eat much of anything all day, I know I know...that's bad. But it's the truth, I don't eat, maybe a little bit here & there but no real food. Sometimes, I realize I haven't eaten when I'm suddenly sick.
Soooo, I thought I would feel great this morning when I got up & ate breakfast and at first I did but after 2 hours I was hungry! And I had "a well balanced meal" what gives?? I realized throughout the day that I was hungry every 2-3 hours. I remember someone telling me once your supposed to eat every few hours but I have no idea why.
The big thing I noticed was that I did good all day, it was difficult but I did it until.....
I was sad.
I'm having struggles with my parenting, I have a lot of insecurity right now. My girls aren't being the children I'd like them to be. I love them but I suppose I'm taking there behavior very personal.
All day I felt like a less than good mama because they weren't doing as told & I lost my temper more than once. Then The Hubby told me he has to work overtime tomorrow & I won't be able to visit a friend I very much want to see. Well, after my day & that bit of news I just wanted to eat everything. I didn't care about my efforts of the day, I didn't care about my commitment to myself & others.
I just wanted the hurt to stop & food was the good & reliable friend waiting to console me. I knew I needed to pray, I knew I needed to confess to God my idolatry.
But, I couldn't, because then the shame comes. It's a vicious roller coaster, but it's one I refuse to stay on any longer. I can't live this way, it's not good physically nor emotionally.
O Lord, My God, Forgive me. I need you so desperately for I am weak, I am unable & unsure. Lord steady my feet & light my path on this unknown journey. I am timid & afraid, Goliath jeers & laughs at me & I see that I am incapable. But I call on the Mighty God of Israel, I call on The Most High God to enable me through His power. I praise you Abba Father for you are good & merciful. Thank you Lord. In your matchless name, Amen
Showing posts with label Idolatry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Idolatry. Show all posts
Monday, November 1, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
My Precious
Well, I posted that I'll be starting my weight loss journey this up coming Monday & for the most part, I'm excited. I have some good ideas to implement & wonderful women who are just as excited as I am to shed some unwanted pounds.
However, I'm intimidated too. I mean come on, when I met The Hubby I was about 60 lbs less than what I weigh now! That's A LOT of pounds. And it took 11 years to put it on & I really don't wanna have to wait 11 more years to feel/look good again.
Anyway, this week is my "last hoorah" of eating some good yummies I will need to cut back on. And yes, I said CUT BACK not CUT OUT. I don't do well when I restrict myself to the extreme, if I do that I end up like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man in Ghostbusters pounding through the streets in search of food. Not a pretty sight.
I mean I'm not going way overboard & eating every cookie & brownie in sight, but I have a few things I wanna work outta my system.
Breyer's Strawberry Ice Cream & Oreo's for example.
I told The Hubby a few weeks back that I had to have some of my Breyer's before I started my diet & then it slipped my mind because it's been too cold for ice cream. Well, this past Monday I started getting goofy for my Breyer's & finally yesterday I told The Hubby I had to hurry up & finish dinner so I could run out to the grocery store. He's all like OK baby, no big deal...I said "no, you don't understand...I NEED TO GO & NOTHING IS GOING TO STOP ME"
He kinda grunted & was all like...again~no biggie. But I wanted him to understand the magnitude of the situation, it was my ice cream & if I had to go to the store he had to take care of everything at home.
And NOTHING was stopping me from going to the store, NOTHING was coming between me & my ice cream. I spoke fervently & quickly that I only had a few days left & that I was gonna buy hot fudge & whipped topping too & that I just had to have it.
He sat across the table & whispered...."My Precious"
However, I'm intimidated too. I mean come on, when I met The Hubby I was about 60 lbs less than what I weigh now! That's A LOT of pounds. And it took 11 years to put it on & I really don't wanna have to wait 11 more years to feel/look good again.
Anyway, this week is my "last hoorah" of eating some good yummies I will need to cut back on. And yes, I said CUT BACK not CUT OUT. I don't do well when I restrict myself to the extreme, if I do that I end up like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man in Ghostbusters pounding through the streets in search of food. Not a pretty sight.
I mean I'm not going way overboard & eating every cookie & brownie in sight, but I have a few things I wanna work outta my system.
Breyer's Strawberry Ice Cream & Oreo's for example.
I told The Hubby a few weeks back that I had to have some of my Breyer's before I started my diet & then it slipped my mind because it's been too cold for ice cream. Well, this past Monday I started getting goofy for my Breyer's & finally yesterday I told The Hubby I had to hurry up & finish dinner so I could run out to the grocery store. He's all like OK baby, no big deal...I said "no, you don't understand...I NEED TO GO & NOTHING IS GOING TO STOP ME"
He kinda grunted & was all like...again~no biggie. But I wanted him to understand the magnitude of the situation, it was my ice cream & if I had to go to the store he had to take care of everything at home.
And NOTHING was stopping me from going to the store, NOTHING was coming between me & my ice cream. I spoke fervently & quickly that I only had a few days left & that I was gonna buy hot fudge & whipped topping too & that I just had to have it.
He sat across the table & whispered...."My Precious"
Yea, I guess I deserved that cuz I was kinda acting like a lunatic. But I can't say I learned from it because I went ahead & bought my ice cream & ate gobs of it. Then today was a really stressful day & ya know what I kept thinking about??
OREOS.
Every time I got worked up I would think "Man, I want some OREOS " now I didn't act on it, mostly because I didn't wanna share with the kids.
Yea, I'm bad.
But, it really struck me that I was looking to food to calm me. WHOA!! That's a pretty big deal ya know. It was a line drive smack in the middle of the forehead that I'm getting my peace somewhere other than God. That's a real dishonor to Him.
He clearly states in His word~
"You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me. Exodus 20:4-5
I need to point out that I see I'm worshiping this food by looking it to it for joy, peace, & all sorts of stuff. It's just plain wrong & hurts the heart of God. It can't possibly please Him that when I'm stressed out dealing with my Internet provider that instead of running to Him I run to the refrigerator. How messed up is that??
Honestly, that's not truly trusting Him~that's looking to "my precious" for my security. I can't do that anymore. It's wrong.
So, I suppose this upcoming Monday I'll be doing more than attempting to shed unwanted pounds, I'll begin dealing with feelings I've shoved down over the years with food. I'll be throwing "my precious" into the fires of Mt. Doom & hope to say goodbye forever. (The Hubby really knows his LOTR)
OREOS.
Every time I got worked up I would think "Man, I want some OREOS " now I didn't act on it, mostly because I didn't wanna share with the kids.
Yea, I'm bad.
But, it really struck me that I was looking to food to calm me. WHOA!! That's a pretty big deal ya know. It was a line drive smack in the middle of the forehead that I'm getting my peace somewhere other than God. That's a real dishonor to Him.
He clearly states in His word~
"You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me. Exodus 20:4-5
I need to point out that I see I'm worshiping this food by looking it to it for joy, peace, & all sorts of stuff. It's just plain wrong & hurts the heart of God. It can't possibly please Him that when I'm stressed out dealing with my Internet provider that instead of running to Him I run to the refrigerator. How messed up is that??
Honestly, that's not truly trusting Him~that's looking to "my precious" for my security. I can't do that anymore. It's wrong.
So, I suppose this upcoming Monday I'll be doing more than attempting to shed unwanted pounds, I'll begin dealing with feelings I've shoved down over the years with food. I'll be throwing "my precious" into the fires of Mt. Doom & hope to say goodbye forever. (The Hubby really knows his LOTR)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)