I survived.....I think.
I think I survived Day 1 of my diet, the reason I say "I think" is because there are still a few hours left in the day & there is fresh bread just waiting for me to slather it with butter & devour it before anyone knows.
Honestly, this is a lot harder than I remember, has the first day always been this difficult?? I'm hungrier than ever, I feel like I could violently break in the windows of a bakery & eat EVERYTHING. I don't understand my tummy.
Usually I don't eat much of anything all day, I know I know...that's bad. But it's the truth, I don't eat, maybe a little bit here & there but no real food. Sometimes, I realize I haven't eaten when I'm suddenly sick.
Soooo, I thought I would feel great this morning when I got up & ate breakfast and at first I did but after 2 hours I was hungry! And I had "a well balanced meal" what gives?? I realized throughout the day that I was hungry every 2-3 hours. I remember someone telling me once your supposed to eat every few hours but I have no idea why.
The big thing I noticed was that I did good all day, it was difficult but I did it until.....
I was sad.
I'm having struggles with my parenting, I have a lot of insecurity right now. My girls aren't being the children I'd like them to be. I love them but I suppose I'm taking there behavior very personal.
All day I felt like a less than good mama because they weren't doing as told & I lost my temper more than once. Then The Hubby told me he has to work overtime tomorrow & I won't be able to visit a friend I very much want to see. Well, after my day & that bit of news I just wanted to eat everything. I didn't care about my efforts of the day, I didn't care about my commitment to myself & others.
I just wanted the hurt to stop & food was the good & reliable friend waiting to console me. I knew I needed to pray, I knew I needed to confess to God my idolatry.
But, I couldn't, because then the shame comes. It's a vicious roller coaster, but it's one I refuse to stay on any longer. I can't live this way, it's not good physically nor emotionally.
O Lord, My God, Forgive me. I need you so desperately for I am weak, I am unable & unsure. Lord steady my feet & light my path on this unknown journey. I am timid & afraid, Goliath jeers & laughs at me & I see that I am incapable. But I call on the Mighty God of Israel, I call on The Most High God to enable me through His power. I praise you Abba Father for you are good & merciful. Thank you Lord. In your matchless name, Amen