Meeting Michelle Dugger

Just one week ago I had the honor of meeting Michelle Duggar. Ya know Ultimate Supermama to a gergillion amazing kids??
Okay maybe not a gergillion but 19 is a lot if you ask me. I've always been so very impressed with her take on life family & children. She amazes me to no end on her ability to show Christ to her children. I'm not praising her because I want to be her it's just that I truly admire this woman. She has the gentle spirit God calls us mamas & wives to have. I struggle with that because I'm not that soft spoken woman, I'm naturally loud & playful. My husband appears to like my dry humor at times & gets a kick out of the fact I can keep up with his one liners.
But I digress.

As we drove to church where The Duggar Family would be speaking my daughter asked me if I was nervous to meet Michelle & to my surprise I was! I know that I've always wanted to meet her because of all the reasons I just stated, of course it would be nice to meet this Godly woman & chat. I was never unsettled about the possibility of meeting before.
But now there was something more, it wasn't a simple chat anymore. It was deeper.

Michelle & I share a bond, we belong to a club & were never given a choice to join. The club is one no one wants to be in yet 1 in every 4 women is in this club.
It's the club of Mommies with little ones waiting at Jesus feet for Mama.
Because of this bond we share meeting Michelle became more intimidating. I knew the substance of our conversation no matter how short would be so much meatier. It wouldn't be compliments on her children or advice on freezer cooking, it would be the instant connection of holding your wee baby & having to let go & say goodbye.
Jim Bob & Michelle shared a beautiful testimony of their love for the Lord & one another but again that wasn't my only focus. As I made my way up to meeting Michelle after they spoke my palms began to sweat because I wasn't quite sure what to say, all I knew was this is what I asked God for.
In December when I heard that Michelle lost her little one I cried & asked God to connect me to Michelle in some way. My heart is so burdened for empty armed Mommies & whenever I hear of a broken hearted Mommy I ask God to help me minister to that person.
So here I was 5 feet away from this woman I honestly never thought I would get near. I had no idea God was going to say yes to my request so I was more than unprepared. Nervous? Most definitely.

Satan began flooding my mind as soon as I made the decision that I would speak to Michelle. I began questioning how I of all people could be of any use to her?? I mean this is SUPER MEGA MAMA!!
How dare I be so bold as to think I can offer her wisdom & wasn't I simply going to make a complete fool of myself?? Just like when I spoke to Todd Smith after the loss of his daughter (btw, I wasn't remotely foolish that time)
But these were the thoughts rushing through my mind as I approached her & more than once I thought I'm going to say hello & offer her this gift bag & let her read my little note on her own time. I'm not going to mention her little Jubilee nor my Isaac & Hannah Joy, I'll just walk away.

But you see God doesn't allow me to walk away, if ever he has something to say & chooses to use my mouth I can't walk away, I can not disobey no matter how much I want to. I'm not saying I'm Tina the super christian I'm simply so pressed down by the Holy Spirit I become unable to avoid what I'm called to do. God knows how a combination of insecurity & outright stubbornness can be a hindrance so in all honesty He kinda flattens me in those moments & if I want to stand upright again I need to do as He is saying. What He was saying that night was "tell her"
He was saying to tell her about the picture. See I have a beautiful card I give to Mommies when they have to say goodbye. It is the most heart healing picture of Jesus holding a sweet baby as He sways back & forth in a rocking chair.
That image is precious. It is wonderful because it is truth, it is the beauty of that innocent pure truth of the reality of our children in Heaven. They are waiting in Jesus arms & when I stop to think of the reality of that it takes my breath away. I remember when I spoke a letter I had written to my Hannah girl at her funeral & read that she was in Heaven, I paused closing my eyes & said "that is the truth & the truth sets you free"
God gave me that picture just then of her playing in Heaven & being free, that image freed me as well.
God simply told me to tell Michelle that the picture on the card was for her & to look at it & remember the truth.
I can't say what the card did for Michelle, I truly don't know but being the humble Godly woman she has shown herself to be I believe that it spoke to her heart.
So yes, I met Michelle Duggar & yes we have this unfortunate bond but we also share the hope of not grieving as the world grieves because God in His awesome glory has set us free.

The Blessed Supermom
Revelation 21:4

Waking Up To The Emptiness & Resting In Gods Arms

I know my last post said I'm "Doing Better" & I am, or at least was. I don't know...
I'm not a complete wreck but yes it's 3:36am & I can't sleep, it's been this way all week. I start getting goofy before "dates" start popping up. The date I saw the spotting, the date I was told Isaac died, the date we buried him. It all comes up on me & I feel like I'm gonna throw up, I feel the way I did (to a smaller extent) when he first died. I couldn't sleep & I know a lot of my friends out here who have lost someone they love know that feeling. We all may not have trouble sleeping for the same reasons, for some it may be that their mind races with "could've & should've" or maybe it's the fear of another nightmare.

For me it's the emptiness of waking up.

When Isaac first died I avoided sleep because I didn't want to wake up, not meaning I wanted to die although the thought did cross my mind. It wasn't the wanting of death but it was the awful truth that when I woke up this was real & not a nightmare. My son really died, I really did bury him, he was really gone. I would only sleep from sheer exhaustion & even then I would fight it, I would stay up all night watching Scrubs with The Hubby. It was terrible because I think it was the same escape for him, he would go running to the video store just before midnight to rent another season so we could stay up watching them.
I loved that show but now I can't watch it. It brings me back to sitting on that couch at 2am in the morning knowing I eventually had to sleep & hating the thought of waking up to the emptiness.

Those feelings still creep up on me four years later although it's not the same. I'm usually not even aware I'm doing it until 3 or 4 days have passed by & each night gets later & later until I find myself up at 4am.
You would think after all this time without him I would see it coming, prepare myself & make a conscience effort to get to sleep. To pray & ask for prayer. There's all kinds of warning signs I become more irritable, wait no that's an understatement I become vicious. I have to watch myself or I will turn around & rip someone to bits verbally. I also find myself thinking of Isaac & start crying easily. I know you would think every thought of him would make me cry but that's not true, in fact more often than not thinking of him brings a smile to my face.
But instead of bringing a smile to my face I find myself in the bathroom crying hysterically with my hand over my mouth so my kids don't hear.
In all truth this pain is more vicious then I can ever be, it comes on you without a hint & tries to beat you into the ground.

However, the difference between 4 years ago & today is I'm not in the midst of the shock & I have a clearer mind. I can see Gods hand in the wounds, I can see Him holding my heart & letting me wail & cry out to Him.

I can feel His love...really I can.

I'm at a different mark in the road of my grief & the path is getting clearer. The answers to why Isaac & my Hannah we're taken to heaven so soon won't be given to me here on earth. But I will be given perfect clarity when God takes me with Him. Until then I will have trouble sleeping at times but He will be here. When I wake up to what feels so much like emptiness I'll be reminded I can rest in His arms.

The eternal God is your refuge,
and underneath are the everlasting arms. Deuteronomy 33:27

The Blessed Supermom

Doing Better

After my last post I am doing better. Sometimes I need to pour out my pain before it pours over me. As you gather it can easily overwhelm & you can get lost in it. I know when I first lost Isaac & Hannah that's how I was, I was completely lost in my pain. In a fog of emotions I didn't understand, so much that I was clueless as to what was going on around me half the time.

In that post I shared my hurts & also shared what people have done wrong in my life & my walk in grief.
Now, I would like to share what people have done right.
The first person that comes to mind is my sister Lisa. She was the first person I told & hearing the pain & shock in her voice over the phone made it more real for me.
Solid.
But that pain in her voice showed me how much she loved my son, not ever laying eyes on him she already missed Isaac. She loved him.
During the next few days I don't remember much but I do remember Lisa taking care of a lot for us. She sent word to friends & family of services, I can not even begin to imagine what that was like for her. It took a lot of courage on her part to step in & take care of so much. She never tried to make me feel better, how could she? She never expected me to move on, in fact she is one of the safest people in my life regarding Isaac & Hannah. There is never a time I can't talk about them & never a time she doesn't want to hear about them.
God gave me a wonderful sister & He prepared her for this time in MY life. He equipped her with what I needed. I love you Sa.

Others have shown love & respect for my Isaac & Hannah. They sincerely care about them & don't try to downplay their importance. These are friends like Barb, Terri, Jacki, Patty. They love Isaac & Hannah, they love me!
When Isaac & Hannah died they truly cared & grieved them with me. After Isaac died I was hurting but I wasn't even remotely through grieving before I became pregnant with Hannah. When she died I was more then a mess. I really don't know what to call what was happening to me but it was bad. Not only were physical things happening like I couldn't express myself, literally. I would try to talk & the words & thoughts were in my mind but I couldn't speak clearly, finally I would give up. I was sinking further into a depression, my daughter walked in my room one day to find me balled up on the floor in tears.
The friends I mentioned called me daily, prayed for me continually, & never gave up on me believing in faith that God would carry me through.

My friend Lisa is a gift from God, I met her one day at the cemetery. I was there to visit my little ones & she was there to visit her son Jeremiah. We understood one another & became fast friends. It was beautiful talking to her & realizing I wasn't crazy! She has shown me over & over that "it's okay"
Whatever "it" is.
There are so many times I've questioned this or wonder about that & not once have we tried real hard to figure out too much because we both know God is to big for that. Often I hear a simple response from her "and that's okay"
That may sound simple but when you are completely freaking out about your next pregnancy, angry with God (again), or confused it is absolutely freeing to have your friend say it's okay.
And not like I'm gonna make you feel better by saying that but by validating my feelings & just being my friend. No conditions.

And the most recent thing that happened that was "right" in regards to my children was just yesterday at church. A young sweet mom at my church had just read my blog & heard all these deep painful emotions & she cared.
She genuinely cared & said "I can't even imagine" "I never knew what happened"
Again, it may appear so simple but it's not. To have someone make a point of telling you that I took the time to read your open wounds, & feel your hurts with you matters more than you can imagine! I really can't say for certain, but I would think there is a measure of stepping out of your comfort zone to say something to me. Although we have recently begun a friendship she didn't know if I would wig out & start crying or even yelling. She stepped out & cared for me, like Christ wants us to. That matters a lot to me & instantly she holds a place in my heart.
You know who you are *wink*

I can't write up a list of rights & wrongs because that would make me crazy.
What I can & will do is continue to believe that God has a purpose for what He has done in my life, I know that Isaac & Hannah's deaths are not the end of their story. God will use the death of my children for His glory & what an honor it is to be the mother he has chosen for this weave in His tapestry.

The Blessed Supermom

Gonna Need To Cry Soon

It's hurting again.
It never really stops, just dulls a little then flares up again. I suppose it's like any other trauma, you go through this horrendous event & need all sorts of surgery.
Maybe you even die on the table, flat line.
Finally, your revived & it's a long road of recovery & you'll never be the same.
That's what it's like to have your child die, or in my case...two.
Those who are blessed to not know this kind of pain don't understand it. I've had harsh words said to me such as "maybe God is trying to tell you something"
As if God had to "try" to tell me to stop having children by killing two of them. Yea, I don't think so. That would be just plain cruel & wicked & guess what?? God is good. Simple words but the truth all the same.
I've had skewed kindness as well. When good willed friends think I'm wallowing in pain & they need to help encourage me by choosing to live in the present instead of dwelling in the past.
Honestly that might possibly be more frustrating then the thoughtless words of others. Because those people are well...thoughtless!
The ones who choose to "help" are the ones who are really clueless because what they don't understand is Isaac & Hannah are not my past, they are with me continually.
They live in the present with me because they are in my soul. Like the rest of my children, they are in my heartbeat. How can I leave them in the past?
Do I dwell there? In their deaths?
No, I don't.
But will I walk away from the babies I miss to please the thoughts of others & their perceptions of my needed recovery?
No.

That all said, I need to cry soon.
To weep & wail & let my heart ache. Because ya know what? The dull ache that is persistently there is flaring up. The pain is demanding to be heard & released & the build up just plain sucks.
My friends out there that have had the dream of raising & loving this much wanted child ripped from them know what I mean.
They know the pit in your stomach that is so hard & deep it feels like you may throw up. Sometimes you do.
The lump in your throat you almost can't breathe. The wave of anguish washing over it feels as though you may not survive this time & drown in the pain.
Those mommies whose arms are empty, they know.

They understand the slow build up of hurt that grows & grows until it begins taking over your very being & the only way to release it is to cry.
Not a normal cry either, a soul wrenching deep within the heart of your being cry.
The cry where only God can hear the innermost pain. The cry of a broken mommy who visits the child she never knew in a cemetery. The cry of a mommy who held her child for only a moment & had to watch as a stranger took your baby away.

Forever....

I need that kind of cry soon because if I don't allow myself to cry like that all go downright insane. It's not healthy to bottle this up, it will eat away at the fabric of your being. I truly can not comprehend how women in the past survived miscarriages & stillborn children & not be allowed to feel their pain. I know it would have been too much for me. Like I said...I would go insane.

I need to cry & I don't want to because the anxiety of knowing it's coming brings old feelings back.
Feelings I don’t want to feel.
I'm always better after but knowing it's coming is intimidating.

It's scary. Each time that pain comes there is this emotion I can't shake that this will be the time I lose it.
That I'll lose all faith & lose all hope. That never happens & like I said I always feel better but I'm just being honest.

Anyway, the ugly pain that never really even goes away is here in full force. Again. So here I am.
Getting washed over with waves of unrelenting anguish.

Finding Hope Through The Pain

So I'm in this real mushy state today. I think it's the holidays, they're always difficult. Don't get me wrong I'm thankful to God for all He's blessed me with. But days can turn melancholy fast. The hurt can overwhelm.
The funny thing is it's always the same thing to trigger the weary heart in me.
Christmas ornaments....
How can sweet little decorations tear me in two?? You would think I would prepare myself right? That every year I would tell myself before I walk in the store that it's gonna be okay. That the season is about life, it's about Jesus being born into this cold dark world & ultimately giving His life so we wouldn't know the taste of death.
But as wonderful & true as that is, the pain still comes.
Every year at this time I'm reminded of my Isaac & Hannah. I can't help but wonder what my babies look like now, what it would feel like to hold there little chunky hands. To deal with their tantrums & defiance, to kiss their owwies & roll my eyes at their foolishness. To pick up their little sweaty bodies in the night as we pray the fever away.
See, at this time of the year I'm reminded of all the little things.
The small things I've missed. Every year there are more moments missed.
As you can see, it's hard not to get weepy. It's hard not to wallow in the pain & anguish & just live here for a while.
Truth is I miss my little ones so hard & deep that I don't think I can truly put into words my ache for them.
In all this I can see Jesus face & feel Gods heart, if not just a little with my simple finite mind.
I only knew my Isaac for 5 months & my Hannah for 6 & the pain runs so deep. The loss of them pulses through my veins & it is part of my being. I've been told to "get over it" to "move on"
But how do you get over the loss of your child?
That's the little piece of Gods heart I think I feel. The pain of watching your child die, the pain of knowing this has to happen. Wanting to change this moment but it is already written & there's no running away from it.
I think of the pain of the moment I was told my children had died & how crushing that was. How those few seconds forever altered my life.
Now, how can I ever choose to feel that pain? To choose to give my child death?
That's what God did.
For me...for you.
He chose to send His one & only Son to die in this broken world so that we may live.
He rose again on the third day & overcame death & through that power & grace I have overcome death as well. I will walk with Him in Heaven one day.
What blows my mind about this amazing plan of His is that through that same power & grace my children also overcame death! My children live alongside Him in perfect peace.

Today, I have an ache in my heart for my Isaac & Hannah, but it's also filled with hope.
Hope for His promises & His future for me.

The Blessed Superomom

Remembering Anguish, Reminded Of Grace

OK, this is gonna be a long one, a really long one. So grab a cup of coffee & put your feet up. Where to begin?
How about September 16th 2008....that's when I met her.
Hannah..
Oh she was so small & perfect, sure she had her "owwies" but I loved her all the same. I only was allowed to hold her close to me for a short time before having to let go of her forever. Or at least til we met again in Heaven. I studied & memorized every detail I could. Her tiny little feet, her pouty red lips, & even her little tooshie =)
She was beautiful, my little girl.

Fast forward three years later, & I can't celebrate my Hannah. Not the way I'm used to, the way our family does. Some people think me strange for celebrating her "birthday" & honestly I'm really not concerned with what others think on the subject. She is my daughter after all & I love her no less then my other children. Every year since Hannah's death my family gets together & goes to the cemetery with balloons & decorations in hand. We leave a few special balloons for her & fancy up her marker. Then we have another set of balloons to decorate & send to Heaven.

After, we celebrate Hannah girl with an OREO ice cream cake....mmmmmm. This year however, I began leading the Pregnancy Loss Bible Study at church. Guess what the date of the first day of the study was???
September 16th..
That was rough, I so very much wanted to just bail & run. I wanted to go "see" my daughter & love on her & ask God to give her all sorts of kisses from Mama. But I had a responsibility & it was important. So there was a good measure of guilt when we went the following day, but that's OK. God's grace is sufficient & we made it through another celebration. One thing that left our hearts a bit sad was the confusion at the end of the whole thing. We always release our balloons one by one & this year I asked if everyone wanted to release them together. It appeared we were in agreement but it turns out The Hubby wasn't. However, he didn't want to upset me so he said nothing. Oh well... =(
Before the balloons were released the younger girls ribbons got tangled & my little monkeys' slipped out of her hand. She was so upset & began crying, in my haste to comfort her I said it's okay, we'll all let ours go now.
BAD IDEA...now we were all down in the mouth. See we have that special little moment with Hannah before letting go of the balloon.
Sometimes it's just plain hard & this time it felt almost like losing her all over again.
All because of a stupid balloon.

The rest of the day was hard & I was struggling with guilt & anger. I was remembering all this pain & anguish. All the "whys" were flooding back in & feelings were rising up. I wanted to scream & cry, it just wasn't fair. Part of me was getting that familiar feeling of bitterness & cynicism. It's a slippery slope, & very easy to fall down in that dark chasm. Thankfully, I have people in my life that help me process these emotions & move through them. Thankfully I have a God who is patient & loves me through anger & questioning.

Then He reminds me of His grace...

September 16th 2011 I ached for my daughter in Heaven & two weeks later it looked as though God may take her baby sister to be with Him as well. I walked into my little mucnhkins room after her nap & she gazed at me through the rails of her crib. Sweet little thing looked so exhausted, she was getting over a bout with the stomach flu so I wasn't surprised that she wasn't real chipper. I was a little perplexed that she let me walk out of the room for an outfit to dress her in. She normally doesn't let me out of her sight after nap time but again I figured she was just out of sorts. When I got munchkin on the changing table I was somewhat concerned at her behavior. She just wasn't "right" I sat her up & she tipped a bit before up righting herself. I laid her back down & asked her to touch her nose which she did but then wouldn't show me anything else..eyes, ears, toes, etc. I stood her on the floor & she took two steps up & reached her for me so at this point I'm questioning myself & wanting to believe she's just really really tired. When I got her back on the changing table though she was acting lethargic & her arms were flopping down when I picked them up.
At this point I called 911 & explained the situation, I then called my husbands company & let them know our daughter would be going to the ER. Now mind you during these phone calls my sweet babe was getting progressively worse. She began shutting her eyes & wouldn't respond to me at all.

That's when the screaming began.

I can't tell you the terror of seeing what you think may be your child slipping away. I had no clear thought as to why this could be happening, all I knew was her eyes were glazed over & far away & as I screamed her name while 2 inches from her she continued closing her beautiful eyes. All I remember was screaming to her & screaming "please God, please please" At some point I called my sister hysterically & left a message which I assume was disturbing. Within minutes paramedics were in my house & one of them was telling me to calm down, I then continued my hysteria by screaming at them. However, his being calm did help for the moment. He told me to change her diaper then get the kids together to meet him & the baby downstairs in the ambulance.

Ever have that surreal feeling? Like you're in a movie & none of this can really be happening, everything is moving in slow motion? I thought that was just some dramatic thing people said. It's not.
That's how it felt when I walked past the ambulance & saw my baby girl laying there. All flopped in the stretcher barely coherent being poked at with needles. She didn't even care. I was terrified & felt so helpless. My sister pulled up & took my girls in the house for me as I went with my daughter to the ER. By the way, did you know that ambulances aren't like in the movies either? Family doesn't sit in the back with their loved one. No they sit in front & can't see a thing, nothing. All I knew was my munchkin was being frighteningly quiet. Shouldn't she fuss at least a little bit?? I was told her blood sugar was low, 30 to be exact & they need to get an IV in her to bring her back to a normal level.

Terrible things run through your mind when there's nothing to do but think. The paramedic that was taking care of her kept talking to me. Telling me he understood because he had four kids..*smile at the hysterical lady* I know he was trying to keep me calm which only scared me more because I was sure something was very wrong if he was being so assuring. Finally I asked if she was OK & he answered "she's stable" & that just freaked me out more. I know what "stable" means. It means things are alright for now but that doesn't mean it'll stay that way. I've seen enough hospital television dramas to know that (that was my weak attempt at a joke)
I think he could see he wasn't helping so then he told me "she'll be OK, I promise" I looked him dead in the eye & said "I'm trusting you" & he understood. Once we got to the hospital nurses were buzzing all over her. The heart monitor was put on & vitals were taken. They kept asking me questions I couldn't answer, I couldn't think. The one & only thing on my mind was "please God, please" They asked me some question & I went blank, I cried & said I didn't know what day it was. My Hubby came & put his arms around me & I'm sure he said sweet things but I can't remember.
It took about an hour & she started to perk up some, she began drinking juice & wanted to eat. The best thing is when the nurse came in to check on her & she wailed like a banshee. That was the most wonderful cry I'd heard since she was born.

We stayed overnight & it was then I found out the gravity of the situation we'd just endured. We were told that her sugar wasn't low long enough to cause brain damage but had we not brought her in it could have. We were told she could have had seizures & slipped into a coma. I was told that I moved fast & that was very good. Up to that point I questioned whether I was over reacting & now I'm glad for the choices I made.

Looking back on that morning I can see God's hand & how He arranged things. Whenever my little girl gets up from a nap she is in one of two moods. Either super clingy or super ticked. It's rare that she smiles sweetly & runs off to play. So when I heard her squeaking in the room my brain went into hyper mode of all the things that had to get done & how long I had to do it. I figured I had 15 minutes tops to do some dishes, wipe the counters, & peel potatoes. But for some out of the norm reason I thought I needed to pick up my princess.
That was the nudging of the Spirit.

Then there was the 911 call. Normally I would of called my husband first to get his input. I know a lot of people think why wait? Why not just go with you're gut? Simply put, when I'm running on emotions I can't think clearly & don't always make the best decisions. I don't think I'm the only woman in that category.
Can I get an Amen??
But in this case I didn't call him & instead called for help, something I wouldn't ordinarily do. Again, the Spirit.

At this point we're not real certain why any of this occurred. It's likely my baby was just not getting enough glucose in her diet because of her lack of appetite. It was the first time I've experienced this with a sick child, I didn't know the sugar could drop so drastically or so quickly. During our overnight stay some other tests were run but most of them have already come back favorable.
So how do these two events tie together?

Well, I had a lot of time to think at the hospital. It wasn't too easy to sleep even though my princess was slumbering peacefully. I just kept staring at her & thinking "why" But this time the bitterness didn't rise up, instead it was gratitude. Instead of thinking "why me God? How could you?" I thought "why me God, THANK YOU"

How many parents don't get to take their child home? Through the loss of my babies I've come to know way too many mothers that left the hospital with empty arms. I'm one of those moms. And through God's grace my daughter came home. Am I saying she was at deaths door? I really can't say, nor will I entertain the thought. All I know is it was dangerous, it was serious, & it was terrifying.

O praise God for His mercy. Praise Him for the blessings we look over daily. For the cries we long to quiet but then ache to hear. Praise him for jelly stained cheeks & sticky fingers. Praise Him for dirty diapers, temper tantrums, & pouty faces.

Praise Him.


The Highly Blessed Supermom

Sorrow & Beauty

What am I thankful for? This question rang in my mind as I read a blog post at Heavenly Homemaker's on gratitude. I never knew about this link up & I feel now it was God's sweet reminder of sorrow & beauty. 3 years ago this upcoming Friday (16th) my beautiful Hannah girl went straight from being nestled in Mama's tummy to being cradled in Jesus arm's. Her little heart stopped beating after 6 months. That was the most painful season of my life, Hannah Joy's big brother Isaac had just went to Heaven under the same circumstances only 7 months earlier. Losing Isaac was painful, more than words can describe, but when Hannah died it was like getting kicked when you're down. We were still grieving Isaac & the wound was so fresh, it was torn open & I felt beaten, being left for dead. At times I felt like giving up, I wanted to just lay down & die. But God never left me, He fought through the haze that was my mind & my broken heart speaking life into my tattered soul. It took a very long time to recover & to this day I'm still recovering the loss of my children. I believe I will not be fully restored until the day I stand before my Lord & Savior. So what am I thankful for? I'm thankful for my God who never leaves, never forsakes, My Abba Father. I am thankful for my best friend, My husband. Who bore the brunt of this storm on his back & carried me to the feet of Jesus when I was too weakened to stand. I am thankful for my beautiful sister. She did everything I couldn't for my babies, she made difficult, painful, & wretched days into meaningful, grace filled peace. I'm thankful for my daughters. My three girls who lived through this pain with me, they are forever changed & have a strong love & devotion to one another. And they're unborn children. I am thankful that after walking through the valley of the shadow of death...He gave us HOPE. My beautiful girl Hope Joanna Jensen was born alive & well February 9th 2010. Her cries were the most beautiful sound I've heard this side of Heaven. Today & everyday, I am thankful that God chose me to be His child, that He chose this path for me. I am being created to be more like His son through the trials He has put before me. My God is good, He is beautiful, I love Him beyond measure.

The Blessed Supermom

Missing Him...

It's one of those nights. I'm missing him...
I love them both.
God knows I do. But sometimes I miss HIM.
He's my boy. My only boy....

Regrets

OK, I know it's been long...reallly long since I've been here. The last time I posted was on my sweet girls 5th birthday...June 9th.
And honestly she was just way more important then posting. No offense, I love you all too but I'm sure you can understand where she holds the first place gold medal here.
Anyway, I had every intention of getting back on but then I've been having all these tummy issues. Well, Bear is having them, not me. Either way it has been consuming my days, my thoughts, & my kitchen!
But I can't really stay there & dwell, at least for now. I'll definitely be back at a later date to complain.
You can count on it.
Why I'm up at 2:30 in the morning has nothing to do with my children. Wait...yes it does.
My Isaac & Hannah.
My sweet little babies I miss so much.
I try so very hard to make them known & there are those that just don't wanna know them. That's OK, it's their loss. I talk about them, I share their short beautiful lives with anyone willing to listen. I don't hide my children for fear of offending those that think the speaking of a dead child's name is taboo. That we should keep it hush hush because that makes it all better.
Guess what? It doesn't.
Three years later & my heart & hands still ache for them.
I had an amazing opportunity. A page I follow on FB for us BLM's (baby loss mamas) decided to create a book filled with stories, poems, & hope. ANYONE could submit an entry.
NO ONE would be turned away. I submitted my Isaac & Hannah's story & was asked to edit it some, just for the sake it was longer than they had space for. I had no problem with that & committed to revising my entry. I had a whole month & ya know what??

I forgot...

Life in my home has been so chaotic. First we had the wee munchkins reaction to peanut butter. Then my ever so hyper monkey fell off the bunk bed & knocked herself unconscious...can you say trip to the ER with dazed little girl & terrified Mommy???

Then we have all the "is she gluten intolerant? Do her kidneys work? Liver?" Oh yea, that's not monkey..that's my sweet princess, the gentle Bear. Well, she's been a sick little girl & all of this chaos has consumed my life & I forgot...FORGOT!! my Isaac & Hannah.
WOW! Talk about a kick in the stomach.
I mean a knock you straight on your a** & suck the window out of you...POW!!
When I realized my time was up & I couldn't do ANYTHING to fix this I went back to 2008 when I could do NOTHING to change the outcome of Isaac & Hannah's deaths. I felt so helpless then & feel so helpless now. Sure it's different, I don't have to go through the horror of saying goodbye & burying my beautiful babies. But, I feel that same anger, confusion, & sadness. That feeling of being jilted & being dealt the wickedly crappy hand.
Yes, this is somewhat of an angry post I suppose, the anger & frustration I feel is not directed at anyone other than myself. I know that God's grace is sufficient but sometimes it's so very hard to accept it. I feel like I don't deserve this & He answers with a sweet gentle word telling me that's exactly why He gives it. But, all I'm feeling at this hour is sick & pained and what I want is to see them. I want to look at Isaac's little ears & feet, I remember them so well...they're etched in my soul. I want to kiss Hannah's face, I loved kissing her & 3 years later I can still smell her beautiful skin.
I want my children.
I wanted to write their stories & for them to be forever remembered by many as the two little angels whose feet never touched the earth but changed it forever. I want so very much for every mother that aches to know who Isaac & Hannah Jensen are.
I feel I failed my children.
I know this is all from the pit of hell & satan is pouring salt into my torn wounds, but I'm kinda laying here all battered & bruised & can't find the strength to stand right now.
I know I'll eventually get up with wobbly knees as God holds my hand, I always do. I just kinda wish I'd stop getting those awful kicks to the stomach ...heart.

Innocent Curiosity

My little girl had some tough questions for me, she wanted to know more about Isaac & Hannah. It all started because my Bear was telling her little sister "you'll always be the baby sister" But I reminded her she is always gonna be the big sister to our Wee Piglet, & Isaac & Hannah too. Then the questions started. See Monkey was only 18 months old when Isaac died & not much older when Hannah went to Heaven to be with her big brother. Honestly, she remembers nothing because she was too young. But, she's heard their names her whole life.
Today she asked me "are Isaac & Hannah our babies"
I said "yes, they are but they couldn't come home from the hospital & live with us"
She asked why & I told her because they were sick to which she asked "did God heal them?"
I told her that yes He did..in Heaven.
Then she asked me "are you crying?"
I felt all this hurt rising up & all these tears coming...
"yes baby, I'm crying in my heart"
My beautiful girl ran & hugged me with a huge smile on her face & her big sister joined her. These little arms wrapped around me & although my heart hurt my spirit rose, & I felt the joy of having these precious two with me, & their sisters as well.
God does give me sweet moments with ALL my children. Earlier as I made lunch I heard the girls playing & as all children do, they were pretending & imagining. I could hear from the kitchen as they played with their "friends"
You know what their friends names were right?
Isaac & Hannah =)
I heard squealing & laughter as well as my sweet babies names, it was as if they were in the next room. That felt really good.
Then last Sunday my oldest was being attacked by her tickle monster sisters. It was so cute. Cow pinned down as these itty bitty girls jumped on her & tickled every part they could get their hands on! Even the Wee Piglet tried to get in on the action. All the girls were rolling around on the floor & laughing, & somehow..someway, Isaac & Hannah were there.
I know people don't believe that sort of thing, but I'm not being weird. My babies were playing & rolling on the floor. It was not in this world & no I don't mean some odd ghostly supernatural thing.
But, if you've lost a child you know what I'm talking about & you don't think I'm weird.
At times my girls ask really hard questions about their baby brother & sister, even Cow who is 16 still asks at times. I don't always have the answers, but they know they can always talk about them & no question is off limits. We are as open as we can be & this helps to heal all of our hearts.
There will never be a time that Isaac & Hannah are not a part of our lives. They are more than children that died. They are someones brother & sister, someones grandson & granddaughter, someones nephew & niece, someones cousin, someones friend...& they are my SON & DAUGHTER.
I will honor them by speaking their names & allowing their sisters to love them.

The Blessed Supermom

Speak To Me God

Word of God speak, would you pour down like rain...
Washing my eyes to see, your majesty.
To be still & know that your in this place..
Please let me stay & rest in your holiness.
Word of God speak...

The Hurt Never Really Ends

Well, it finally happened...again. I completely broke down. I know some of you know about my Angel Babies Isaac & Hannah, I lost them both in '08. It was by far the most horrendous time in my life. I felt crushed beyond words & my heart was shattered into a million pieces. I feel as though it's been taped together but some of the pieces are missing & the tape isn't always that strong. At any given moment something can cause the pieces to fall apart & I'm at a loss how to put it back together.
Kinda like Humpty Dumpty...I know weird analogy.
Anyway...
Every now & then I melt down, I mean complete mush. Something triggers the pain & I lose it. Usually, I try to "schedule" these melt downs. Again, I know it sounds weird but I have little ones & responsibilities so I can't just fall apart. Most times I know a melt down is coming & I head over to the cemetery listening to music that reminds me of my babies & proceed to ball my head off.
That didn't happen this time..
Instead it hit me at church.
See, the past few weeks have been very difficult. I've had too many "heart hits" & it began building into this torrential storm in my soul.
It all began when I went to see my neurologist (seizures) & somehow Isaac & Hannah were brought up, as I told him about my sweet babies I began crying. Honestly, I LOVE talking about them but it just hurt this time like it hasn't in a while. As he listened to my story he asked if I'd had testing done to try to find the cause of their deaths. He specifically said "do you know why your babies died"

*SIDE NOTE*
I sincerely appreciated that he called them babies, not fetuses. First of all they are my children & I personally don't care what the heck scientific terminology you want to use. My children were 5 & 6 months in my womb & they are my BABIES. So just be aware, if a woman lost her child at 8 months or 8 weeks that is her BABY. Don't call that baby her fetus, IT HURTS.

OK, rant is over..

Back to my Neuro doc, he asked about testing. I told him I'd had all sorts of testing, in fact I'd had it at Rush Hospital, the hospital I was at seeing him. He began looking for my lab work in the hospital computer. Turns out the Women's Clinic I'd gone to sends their labs out of the hospital. Well, of course he couldn't find them but he did tell me the reason he was looking for them was because lo & behold it turns out there are Neurological Auto-Immune diseases which cause stillborn death.

Go figure!!
Yea, that's angry sarcasm.

Truth is I've had so much testing done including Auto-Immune diseases but I couldn't tell you what. My brain is fried just thinking about it. So we ordered more tests.
Then, I left the office. I walked down the same halls I'd walked before with weakened knees & a racing heart wondering if I'd get an answer. Desperate to know if I could ever have any more children. Broken when I was told I'm sorry we don't know why they died.
By the time I got to my car I felt I was going to either pass out or vomit. I immediately called my husband but he wasn't available. I then called my mom, I tried to explain to her what happened but I was so hysterical I didn't make sense.
I hated the idea of more testing, I hated more anxious worrying for that answer. I started to feel overwhelmed with guilt for my wee munchkin. I knew I should be praising God that if I did have a disease that was somehow missed, my sweet beautiful daughter survived it. But instead I felt terrible that I may or may not have put her life in danger. I felt if I did have a disease that I'd killed my Isaac & Hannah. Now be aware I have many beautiful friends who DO have auto-immune diseases & genetic mutations that have lost little ones & I would NEVER EVER say they were to blame. However, I also know that these same moms understand completely where I'm coming from. That night I came home & hugged my Isaac & Hannah Bear & cried til I had a headache.
After I felt better & I thought I was pretty much OK.
However, that was just strike one..
Well, a few days ago I worked up my nerve. I thought about it & prayed for a week & called my dad asking for the funeral pictures of Isaac & Hannah. When they died my dad took a picture of their little coffins. In my family we always do that at a funeral, it's not some sick twisted weirdness, it's not like it goes in the family photo album. It's just what we do, I suppose it's the last official photo.
At the time he asked if I wanted them & I said no, I told him to keep them for now. I always figured I'd get them when I was ready.
Well, I'll never get them, he deleted them. It was an honest mistake, but now they're gone...forever. A part of my babies.
Gone.

Strike two...

So here we are, now it's Sunday & I'm at church. It was truly a beautiful day, nice bright shiny sun, all sorts of sweet smiling faces & hugs from my family & friends. I was feeling pretty good. Service always starts with a half hour of worship & can I just say that my church has the BEST worship team on the planet. I know you think it's yours but really, it's mine =)
And the drummer on my church's worship team is jaw dropping handsome!!!
Oh...don't worry the drummer is my hubby. (insert sheepish grin here)
So the worship team is rockin' & it's awesome & true to format our worship leader slows it down after a few songs.
This is where I went to pieces.
The song we were led to sing is a song by the name "Hungry"
This is the song we played at Hannah's funeral....Strike three...OUT!!
It hit me hard, I've heard it & sung it so many times but for some reason the words were penetrating me & they hurt. When we played it at her funeral we chose it because of the lyrics....

Hungry, I come to you
For I know You satisfy
I am empty, but I know
Your love does not run dry

So I wait for you
So I wait for You
I’m falling on my knees
Offering all of me
Jesus, You’re all this heart is living for

Broken, I run to You
For Your arms are open wide
I am weary, but I know
Your touch restores my life

After losing Isaac & now having to endure Hannah's death I was completely broken.
Shattered.
It was all I could do to hang on to Jesus for dear life, to run to Him because although I didn't understand in my heart I KNEW somehow He would restore me.
Sunday this song was played & I was back at Hannah's funeral. I couldn't keep it together, I tried, God knows I really did try. I had to leave because I started crying so hard, I raced to the bathroom hiccuping, trying to catch my breath. Finally, I made it in & thankfully a friend of mine hugged me, loved me, & comforted me. My beautiful sister came in & offered me hugs & love too.

Well, now I really do feel better.
But, I've come to the raw conclusion that the hurt never really ends. I've always said to friends & family there is a constant dull ache, every now & then it flares up & intensifies but all in all it's under control.
I don't know if under control are the right words, I suppose it's pain that is managed by a regular dose of acknowledging the hurt & bringing it to God.
But, I've wondered over these past 3 years would there come a time when the tears of intense pain would stop & they would become bittersweet occasional tears. Masked in sweet anticipation of the day I meet Jesus & He hands me my perfect little ones.
I do have tears & days like that. I see a little dress & realize Hannah will never wear it & the ache flares, little tears spring up, & then there's that bittersweet smile.
The days of ridiculous, mind blowing, on the floor, crying til I'm sick are few. I just naively thought someday they would stop.
But as I said the pain never really ends, so I'm going to have terrible days. And it's going to hurt & I'm going to weep, & I'm going to feel the wounds as though their fresh all over again. But I won't be alone, I will come to Him...hungry, broken, empty..
Because I know HE satisfies.

‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
Revelation 21:4

The Blessed Supermom

Busy & Chunky McChunkster...no not me

OK, I have been super busy. Not only did I pull off the worlds fastest move but I've been posting on my other blog daily. My friend Jessica posted the challenge of 30 Questions in 30 Days so that's been keeping me busy over there.
But alas, I can not stay away much longer, I must ramble on & on about my wee people whom I love but lately are making me feel somewhat loony.
I really oughta have grace for them ya know cuz their little lives have been turned around some, although they are adjusting well they are getting used to some different stuff. Like cable for example. We haven't had anything other than regular TV for years....YEARS. And now my kids are a little overwhelmed at all the choices. And honestly it's a trap for me because I can get a lot done parking them in front of the set. So I need to be disciplined with television as well & it's kinda hard. I like The Cake Boss =)
But anyway, what's new? The wee-munchkin is cutting a tooth, I think. She's really outta sorts & her gums look like their gettin ready to pop some teeth through. This being my 4th little animal you'd think I'd know by now but I'm always second guessing myself, oh well. Other than that she's still my Chunky McChunkster~that's what The Hubby calls her :-)
The Monkey is gettin a little...ummm...odd. She's been testing Mommy's boundaries & giving me a run for my money. I'm not likin' it but I know it's normal & I have to guide my little animal without losing it myself.
As for My Bear~she's my little ray of light right now =>
Making me so happy. She's trying so hard in school & doing so well. I just ordered some Math to do with her & I can't wait to give it a go!!
My Cow's homecoming is this Friday!! I can't believe it! She's growing up so fast & so beautiful! I will most definitely post pics of my gorgeous girl.
The Hubby is currently passed out on the recliner~my baby works so hard & I miss him so much.
And last but not least...ME. I have decided to......GULP....lose weight. ACH! There I said it, bleck...ech ech...UGH. Now, why am I choking over here?? Because you see I said it to the Blogosphere & now YOU KNOW. I can't go back.
I'm hoping you'll help & comment asking me some questions or just basically keep me accountable a bit. I plan on keeping you updated so lets see how this goes.
Oh & here's my goal 30 lbs by February 19th, Angies Sweet Sixteen party. I'm starting on November 1st & even added one of those little tickers on my blog, really~scroll down...see?? I plan on getting a fancy scale this weekend too that includes ounces so I can know every little bit I lose. Lets see how this goes!
*REMEMBER*
Please keep me accountable! I need all the help I can get!! Thanks~

Going Paperless???

OK, I think I'm gonna do it. I think I'm really gonna do it. I'm gonna give up paper.
I didn't realize I was headed this way, it all kinda started with the idea of helping The Hubby financially. It began with diapers. I started researching cloth diapers to find that they would cost an arm & a leg! Eventually there would be quite a saving but right off the bat we'd be spending over 400 bux. It was very hard to convince The Hubby behind the logic of spending lotsa cash to save some cash considering we really didn't have any cash.
So he did what he does, he got all stinkin logical on me & pointed out how it wasn't beneficial right now, the bad doesn't outweigh the good, & all that stuff...blah blah blah. UGH, why is he always right?
Anyway, 2 years ago when I was pregnant with my Hannah girl, she's my butterfly in Heaven, I was talking to a Supermom in the waiting room. This Mama was telling me all about cloth diapers & how she used a basic pre-fold cloth with diaper covers. Now, I thought she was impressive but a lunatic. I mean when we're talkin cloth diapers aren't we talkin about all the snazzy newer types with velcro, buttons, & cute little designs?? Not, your mothers diapers...with pins & in order to wash 'em they had to be fed through a ringer & all that other scary stuff! Right???
Well, I quickly chucked that idea right out the window. But now that we have the wee munchkin I've been rethinkin it, but still very leary to the pre-fold diapers. I just really didn't think I was capable of goin that route, keepin up with cleanin the dipes & I couldn't afford 'em anyway.
However, here I am...with no diapers, I forgot to check my supply.
I lost some Supermom points today =(
Well, every Supermom has a Grand Master Suuuuper Duper Mom & thankfully mine quickly threw on her cape & flew over to save the day.
She's able to leap buildings in a single bound---more powerful than a locomotive---faster than a speeding bullet, & shows up at your doorstep with Huggies when your baby's butt is nakey =)
Well, bein that this isn't the first time she had to save the day I thought maybe I oughta look more into this cloth diaper thing, I was ecstatic to come across a much cheaper option.
They're KaWaii Baby Cloth Diapers, they have an on-line store called Luv Your Baby Products & they most definitely fit my budget. I figured I'd have a little confidence in myself & go ahead & do it the "old-fashioned" way & use pre-fold diapers & add a diaper cover. The diaper covers or only $4.50 & I already own tons of the pre-folds! So I can buy a dozen covers for a little over 50 bux!! Considering that we spend that almost monthly I figure it's worth a shot!
And why stop at diapers? Why not wipes, paper towels, napkins? So as of today we are out of paper towels & I'm not buying another roll. Instead I'm gonna go ahead & invest in some good strong cloth towels for my kitchen, I'm also gonna start workin on reusable wipes made out of receiving blankets, & stitch some napkins recruiting my zoo animals to pick out fabric patterns. So this is the beginning of a semi-paperless household.
I mean really there is no way to avoid the toilet paper issue!

The Blessed Zookeeper