Sunday, June 26, 2011


OK, I know it's been long...reallly long since I've been here. The last time I posted was on my sweet girls 5th birthday...June 9th.
And honestly she was just way more important then posting. No offense, I love you all too but I'm sure you can understand where she holds the first place gold medal here.
Anyway, I had every intention of getting back on but then I've been having all these tummy issues. Well, Bear is having them, not me. Either way it has been consuming my days, my thoughts, & my kitchen!
But I can't really stay there & dwell, at least for now. I'll definitely be back at a later date to complain.
You can count on it.
Why I'm up at 2:30 in the morning has nothing to do with my children. Wait...yes it does.
My Isaac & Hannah.
My sweet little babies I miss so much.
I try so very hard to make them known & there are those that just don't wanna know them. That's OK, it's their loss. I talk about them, I share their short beautiful lives with anyone willing to listen. I don't hide my children for fear of offending those that think the speaking of a dead child's name is taboo. That we should keep it hush hush because that makes it all better.
Guess what? It doesn't.
Three years later & my heart & hands still ache for them.
I had an amazing opportunity. A page I follow on FB for us BLM's (baby loss mamas) decided to create a book filled with stories, poems, & hope. ANYONE could submit an entry.
NO ONE would be turned away. I submitted my Isaac & Hannah's story & was asked to edit it some, just for the sake it was longer than they had space for. I had no problem with that & committed to revising my entry. I had a whole month & ya know what??

I forgot...

Life in my home has been so chaotic. First we had the wee munchkins reaction to peanut butter. Then my ever so hyper monkey fell off the bunk bed & knocked herself unconscious...can you say trip to the ER with dazed little girl & terrified Mommy???

Then we have all the "is she gluten intolerant? Do her kidneys work? Liver?" Oh yea, that's not monkey..that's my sweet princess, the gentle Bear. Well, she's been a sick little girl & all of this chaos has consumed my life & I forgot...FORGOT!! my Isaac & Hannah.
WOW! Talk about a kick in the stomach.
I mean a knock you straight on your a** & suck the window out of you...POW!!
When I realized my time was up & I couldn't do ANYTHING to fix this I went back to 2008 when I could do NOTHING to change the outcome of Isaac & Hannah's deaths. I felt so helpless then & feel so helpless now. Sure it's different, I don't have to go through the horror of saying goodbye & burying my beautiful babies. But, I feel that same anger, confusion, & sadness. That feeling of being jilted & being dealt the wickedly crappy hand.
Yes, this is somewhat of an angry post I suppose, the anger & frustration I feel is not directed at anyone other than myself. I know that God's grace is sufficient but sometimes it's so very hard to accept it. I feel like I don't deserve this & He answers with a sweet gentle word telling me that's exactly why He gives it. But, all I'm feeling at this hour is sick & pained and what I want is to see them. I want to look at Isaac's little ears & feet, I remember them so well...they're etched in my soul. I want to kiss Hannah's face, I loved kissing her & 3 years later I can still smell her beautiful skin.
I want my children.
I wanted to write their stories & for them to be forever remembered by many as the two little angels whose feet never touched the earth but changed it forever. I want so very much for every mother that aches to know who Isaac & Hannah Jensen are.
I feel I failed my children.
I know this is all from the pit of hell & satan is pouring salt into my torn wounds, but I'm kinda laying here all battered & bruised & can't find the strength to stand right now.
I know I'll eventually get up with wobbly knees as God holds my hand, I always do. I just kinda wish I'd stop getting those awful kicks to the stomach ...heart.

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