Falling In Love With My Husband

More often then not when I blog it's about my children & rightfully so, my blog is titled Confessions of a Supermom. But I'm feeling I need to share about my husband today. I can truly say I've had more then a tumultuous marriage, in part due to my bitter choices. 

I have held his wrong choices against him & chosen to live in the past rather then trust God for my future. I came into this marriage a very wounded girl, I had a painful childhood growing up in an alcoholic & dysfunctional home. For many years I've lived in anger but could never pin point why I was so angry, it would plague me continually that I held this deep dark secret. I felt if anyone ever knew how quickly I could explode I would be rejected. 

I never paid attention to the fact that for 12 years I had someone who never left me. My husband continued to love & accept me with all my faults, of course he has his issues too but this post isn't about his problems.

Besides, regardless of what The Hubby does God calls me as his wife to honor, respect, & revere him. There will be a day when I stand before the LORD accountable for my actions & I'll be all alone. I wont be able to say "but did you see what he did?" "did you hear what he said"

It wont matter at that point because God's word is infallible & I can't make excuses for my behavior.

Only recently I've begun to open my eyes to the damage I have done to my marriage & family, for years I've made excuses for my behavior & the truth is I have no good excuse.

Yes, I am a very wounded person both by my own hands & the hands of others but I have a choice...do I live in bondage or walk in freedom??

Due to some recent events in my life I have finally chosen freedom, I have made the decision to love my husband with abandon. And ya know what? It's beautiful, he really is an amazing man!! We haven't had one single argument in weeks because the truth is I've decided I would rather be married than right. Does this mean I'm not entitled to my opinion? No.

It just means my opinion can hold a lot more weight if I deliver it correctly. What man wants to be hollered at because he's making the wrong choice? What man will rise up in leadership if he's constantly being questioned? The truth is ladies our men NEED us to be their cheerleaders. They NEED to know that even when the whole world is against them that they can come home to a friend that loves them unconditionally. Our men NEED to know we admire them & believe in them & they NEED to know that they can make a mistake & still be loved. 

My husband is a gift from God & it's taken me 12 long years to receive that gift. I mourn & grieve over all the time lost & praise God that we wont be old & grey still fighting. I enjoy laughing with him & cuddling up with him. The truth is now I feel as though I can't get enough of him, I'm falling in love. 

Ladies, I encourage you to pray & pray hard for the pains that you carry that are effecting your marriage. We are all broken in one way or another & satan seeks to destroy the family, the best way to do that is to start with the parents. For the few men that are reading this I encourage you to actively pursue your wife, my husband began doing that regardless of my actions & I have never felt more loved. He loved me through God's heart & that gave me self worth I didn't believe I could ever have. 

There is a scripture I believe applies to this & I hope you feel it's true impact.

This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live. 

Deuteronomy 30:19

What will you choose?

The Blessed Supermom

Doing Better

After my last post I am doing better. Sometimes I need to pour out my pain before it pours over me. As you gather it can easily overwhelm & you can get lost in it. I know when I first lost Isaac & Hannah that's how I was, I was completely lost in my pain. In a fog of emotions I didn't understand, so much that I was clueless as to what was going on around me half the time.

In that post I shared my hurts & also shared what people have done wrong in my life & my walk in grief.
Now, I would like to share what people have done right.
The first person that comes to mind is my sister Lisa. She was the first person I told & hearing the pain & shock in her voice over the phone made it more real for me.
Solid.
But that pain in her voice showed me how much she loved my son, not ever laying eyes on him she already missed Isaac. She loved him.
During the next few days I don't remember much but I do remember Lisa taking care of a lot for us. She sent word to friends & family of services, I can not even begin to imagine what that was like for her. It took a lot of courage on her part to step in & take care of so much. She never tried to make me feel better, how could she? She never expected me to move on, in fact she is one of the safest people in my life regarding Isaac & Hannah. There is never a time I can't talk about them & never a time she doesn't want to hear about them.
God gave me a wonderful sister & He prepared her for this time in MY life. He equipped her with what I needed. I love you Sa.

Others have shown love & respect for my Isaac & Hannah. They sincerely care about them & don't try to downplay their importance. These are friends like Barb, Terri, Jacki, Patty. They love Isaac & Hannah, they love me!
When Isaac & Hannah died they truly cared & grieved them with me. After Isaac died I was hurting but I wasn't even remotely through grieving before I became pregnant with Hannah. When she died I was more then a mess. I really don't know what to call what was happening to me but it was bad. Not only were physical things happening like I couldn't express myself, literally. I would try to talk & the words & thoughts were in my mind but I couldn't speak clearly, finally I would give up. I was sinking further into a depression, my daughter walked in my room one day to find me balled up on the floor in tears.
The friends I mentioned called me daily, prayed for me continually, & never gave up on me believing in faith that God would carry me through.

My friend Lisa is a gift from God, I met her one day at the cemetery. I was there to visit my little ones & she was there to visit her son Jeremiah. We understood one another & became fast friends. It was beautiful talking to her & realizing I wasn't crazy! She has shown me over & over that "it's okay"
Whatever "it" is.
There are so many times I've questioned this or wonder about that & not once have we tried real hard to figure out too much because we both know God is to big for that. Often I hear a simple response from her "and that's okay"
That may sound simple but when you are completely freaking out about your next pregnancy, angry with God (again), or confused it is absolutely freeing to have your friend say it's okay.
And not like I'm gonna make you feel better by saying that but by validating my feelings & just being my friend. No conditions.

And the most recent thing that happened that was "right" in regards to my children was just yesterday at church. A young sweet mom at my church had just read my blog & heard all these deep painful emotions & she cared.
She genuinely cared & said "I can't even imagine" "I never knew what happened"
Again, it may appear so simple but it's not. To have someone make a point of telling you that I took the time to read your open wounds, & feel your hurts with you matters more than you can imagine! I really can't say for certain, but I would think there is a measure of stepping out of your comfort zone to say something to me. Although we have recently begun a friendship she didn't know if I would wig out & start crying or even yelling. She stepped out & cared for me, like Christ wants us to. That matters a lot to me & instantly she holds a place in my heart.
You know who you are *wink*

I can't write up a list of rights & wrongs because that would make me crazy.
What I can & will do is continue to believe that God has a purpose for what He has done in my life, I know that Isaac & Hannah's deaths are not the end of their story. God will use the death of my children for His glory & what an honor it is to be the mother he has chosen for this weave in His tapestry.

The Blessed Supermom

Nell My Belle

This is my favorite niece in the whole wide world! Well she's my only niece but if I had more she would be my fave.

This is Nell My Belle.

She is an awesome kid, all the qualities you would want in a young person. I mean don't get me wrong she's not perfect, I remember when I used to babysit her & she was going through a crying stage. This would be okay if she was two but she was like 5 or 6ish. She would just decide she'd had enough & wail her little head off, it was trying at the time but looking back it's kinda hysterical. I remember my inside joke that kept my sanity at the time which was it looked as though her jaw unhinged itself, I mean seriously she threw that little mouth open & was gonna let all the world know she was ticked! I know there was a perfect reason for the phase but I'm glad it's over =)

So that's an example of her imperfection & I'm sure I can think of some other funny stuff because aren't we all imperfect? I know Nella could tell more than a few stories about me but thankfully she doesn't have a blog =D

Let's get on to why this kid is so down right awesome.
First of all she loves my Piglet, she loves all the girlies but she is a little mama to the piggie. So attentive & so responsible, it's clear to me she is going to make a great Supermom one day. Then there's also the fact that she's growing into her own self. Does that make sense? She's not trying to be anyone other than Nel, & if you've read anything in this blog than you know I encourage my kids to be individuals. Yes, I teach them to seek after God with all their heart, souls & minds but I also want them to know that when your at the feet of God He doesn't care if your hair is blue. He is not going to rebuke & turn you away because you have tattoos or gauges in your ears. Unfortunately that is the thoughts of some & I'm glad Nella is clear on Gods unconditional love for her, she is young & learning to trust Him & be who she was created to be & also honoring the LORD.
Yes, I just ranted a bit but you get my point. I love Nel for who she is & who she will become. She is perfect the way God created her & I'm thankful that God blessed me with this little girl.

I love you Nell My Belle

The Blessed Supermom

The Little Piggies Speach Evaluation

Well, my little punkin pie had her speech eval today. I was concerned after my friend Debbie asked if she spoke more at home then she did in our play group that she leads. Debbie is not just a sweetie of a person & a good mama but also a certified Baby TALK Practitioner/Parent Educator. She has several years experience working with parents and children, birth to three years old & is also a registered nurse. So I more then trust her judgement when it came into question whether baby girl was where she ought to be.
Debbie gave me a recommendation for Easter Seals who would send out a speech therapist as well as another therapist to evaluate her on all levels as well as speech.
Well, the wee piglet did great!
She is only 20% behind on her speech, she needs to be 30% behind for therapy. She's behind mostly because she is not imitating as much as she needs to be. The speech therapist (Lisa) gave me great ideas on how to help initiate imitation & both therapists believe as we work with her at home the Princess will have a "speech explosion" shortly.
As far as all the other evaluations such as comprehension, direction, physical, cognitive, social/emotional, & self help she is where she needs to be at 21 months or even higher!!
The therapist also said that the fact we homeschool is a definite factor in how well she's doing.
SCORE!!
So, to wrap this up I have to say a big fat huge thank you to Debbie Jackson, you are a wonderful friend & I'm so thankful for you!!
And more importantly I give all the praise & glory to God! I know some may not understand fully why I lay all the honor at His feet, but the LORD is sovereign over all. He created this sweet beautiful girl knowing full well she was going to keep her words to herself for a bit. I'm also
grateful to Him for bringing these caring individuals into my home who were genuinely concerned for my little girl. And I'm grateful for the mouthful of sweet words that are sure to come in God's perfect timing.
And even the not so sweet ones!

The Blessed Supermom

Two Of My Favorite Guys

These are two of my most favorite guys on the planet. Of course there's my awesome hubby who regularly puts up with me, I'm blessed that God gave this guy an extra dose of patience because truth is I can be a downright lunatic sometimes. He happens to be good looking & can play the drums like nobody's business & I love it. I'm a rocker chick at heart =)
Then there's this guy on the left.
I like him bunches too, in fact I love him.
He's my Pastor.
He is one of the most amazing guys on the planet, next to hubby of course. I'm gonna gush about him for a minute.
I first met Pastor in 2003, I was guarded because I didn't have any good experiences with "the church" & I wasn't real interested. I was one of those people who ran to Jesus when things were messed up but quickly forgot Him when I didn't think I needed Him. Hubby & I decided to go to church for the "structure" of it, we figured it would be good for the kids.
Pastor Al was interested in more then giving us structure, he was interested in our everlasting souls.
There's a whole big long testimony to my salvation story & I can write for a few days about it. But what I want to focus on is my pastor, he is an amazing man after God's heart. He is a man of integrity, honor, & nobility. He is an example to young men of the man they ought to strive to be & an example to women as to the type of characteristics to look for in a husband & father to their children. He has more than fulfilled his call to be a Shepard to the flock God has blessed him with.
He led me to a personal relationship with Jesus Christ & has continuously cared for my family.
Al...he's more than my Pastor.
He's my friend.
We love you...

The Blessed Supermom

Remembering Anguish, Reminded Of Grace

OK, this is gonna be a long one, a really long one. So grab a cup of coffee & put your feet up. Where to begin?
How about September 16th 2008....that's when I met her.
Hannah..
Oh she was so small & perfect, sure she had her "owwies" but I loved her all the same. I only was allowed to hold her close to me for a short time before having to let go of her forever. Or at least til we met again in Heaven. I studied & memorized every detail I could. Her tiny little feet, her pouty red lips, & even her little tooshie =)
She was beautiful, my little girl.

Fast forward three years later, & I can't celebrate my Hannah. Not the way I'm used to, the way our family does. Some people think me strange for celebrating her "birthday" & honestly I'm really not concerned with what others think on the subject. She is my daughter after all & I love her no less then my other children. Every year since Hannah's death my family gets together & goes to the cemetery with balloons & decorations in hand. We leave a few special balloons for her & fancy up her marker. Then we have another set of balloons to decorate & send to Heaven.

After, we celebrate Hannah girl with an OREO ice cream cake....mmmmmm. This year however, I began leading the Pregnancy Loss Bible Study at church. Guess what the date of the first day of the study was???
September 16th..
That was rough, I so very much wanted to just bail & run. I wanted to go "see" my daughter & love on her & ask God to give her all sorts of kisses from Mama. But I had a responsibility & it was important. So there was a good measure of guilt when we went the following day, but that's OK. God's grace is sufficient & we made it through another celebration. One thing that left our hearts a bit sad was the confusion at the end of the whole thing. We always release our balloons one by one & this year I asked if everyone wanted to release them together. It appeared we were in agreement but it turns out The Hubby wasn't. However, he didn't want to upset me so he said nothing. Oh well... =(
Before the balloons were released the younger girls ribbons got tangled & my little monkeys' slipped out of her hand. She was so upset & began crying, in my haste to comfort her I said it's okay, we'll all let ours go now.
BAD IDEA...now we were all down in the mouth. See we have that special little moment with Hannah before letting go of the balloon.
Sometimes it's just plain hard & this time it felt almost like losing her all over again.
All because of a stupid balloon.

The rest of the day was hard & I was struggling with guilt & anger. I was remembering all this pain & anguish. All the "whys" were flooding back in & feelings were rising up. I wanted to scream & cry, it just wasn't fair. Part of me was getting that familiar feeling of bitterness & cynicism. It's a slippery slope, & very easy to fall down in that dark chasm. Thankfully, I have people in my life that help me process these emotions & move through them. Thankfully I have a God who is patient & loves me through anger & questioning.

Then He reminds me of His grace...

September 16th 2011 I ached for my daughter in Heaven & two weeks later it looked as though God may take her baby sister to be with Him as well. I walked into my little mucnhkins room after her nap & she gazed at me through the rails of her crib. Sweet little thing looked so exhausted, she was getting over a bout with the stomach flu so I wasn't surprised that she wasn't real chipper. I was a little perplexed that she let me walk out of the room for an outfit to dress her in. She normally doesn't let me out of her sight after nap time but again I figured she was just out of sorts. When I got munchkin on the changing table I was somewhat concerned at her behavior. She just wasn't "right" I sat her up & she tipped a bit before up righting herself. I laid her back down & asked her to touch her nose which she did but then wouldn't show me anything else..eyes, ears, toes, etc. I stood her on the floor & she took two steps up & reached her for me so at this point I'm questioning myself & wanting to believe she's just really really tired. When I got her back on the changing table though she was acting lethargic & her arms were flopping down when I picked them up.
At this point I called 911 & explained the situation, I then called my husbands company & let them know our daughter would be going to the ER. Now mind you during these phone calls my sweet babe was getting progressively worse. She began shutting her eyes & wouldn't respond to me at all.

That's when the screaming began.

I can't tell you the terror of seeing what you think may be your child slipping away. I had no clear thought as to why this could be happening, all I knew was her eyes were glazed over & far away & as I screamed her name while 2 inches from her she continued closing her beautiful eyes. All I remember was screaming to her & screaming "please God, please please" At some point I called my sister hysterically & left a message which I assume was disturbing. Within minutes paramedics were in my house & one of them was telling me to calm down, I then continued my hysteria by screaming at them. However, his being calm did help for the moment. He told me to change her diaper then get the kids together to meet him & the baby downstairs in the ambulance.

Ever have that surreal feeling? Like you're in a movie & none of this can really be happening, everything is moving in slow motion? I thought that was just some dramatic thing people said. It's not.
That's how it felt when I walked past the ambulance & saw my baby girl laying there. All flopped in the stretcher barely coherent being poked at with needles. She didn't even care. I was terrified & felt so helpless. My sister pulled up & took my girls in the house for me as I went with my daughter to the ER. By the way, did you know that ambulances aren't like in the movies either? Family doesn't sit in the back with their loved one. No they sit in front & can't see a thing, nothing. All I knew was my munchkin was being frighteningly quiet. Shouldn't she fuss at least a little bit?? I was told her blood sugar was low, 30 to be exact & they need to get an IV in her to bring her back to a normal level.

Terrible things run through your mind when there's nothing to do but think. The paramedic that was taking care of her kept talking to me. Telling me he understood because he had four kids..*smile at the hysterical lady* I know he was trying to keep me calm which only scared me more because I was sure something was very wrong if he was being so assuring. Finally I asked if she was OK & he answered "she's stable" & that just freaked me out more. I know what "stable" means. It means things are alright for now but that doesn't mean it'll stay that way. I've seen enough hospital television dramas to know that (that was my weak attempt at a joke)
I think he could see he wasn't helping so then he told me "she'll be OK, I promise" I looked him dead in the eye & said "I'm trusting you" & he understood. Once we got to the hospital nurses were buzzing all over her. The heart monitor was put on & vitals were taken. They kept asking me questions I couldn't answer, I couldn't think. The one & only thing on my mind was "please God, please" They asked me some question & I went blank, I cried & said I didn't know what day it was. My Hubby came & put his arms around me & I'm sure he said sweet things but I can't remember.
It took about an hour & she started to perk up some, she began drinking juice & wanted to eat. The best thing is when the nurse came in to check on her & she wailed like a banshee. That was the most wonderful cry I'd heard since she was born.

We stayed overnight & it was then I found out the gravity of the situation we'd just endured. We were told that her sugar wasn't low long enough to cause brain damage but had we not brought her in it could have. We were told she could have had seizures & slipped into a coma. I was told that I moved fast & that was very good. Up to that point I questioned whether I was over reacting & now I'm glad for the choices I made.

Looking back on that morning I can see God's hand & how He arranged things. Whenever my little girl gets up from a nap she is in one of two moods. Either super clingy or super ticked. It's rare that she smiles sweetly & runs off to play. So when I heard her squeaking in the room my brain went into hyper mode of all the things that had to get done & how long I had to do it. I figured I had 15 minutes tops to do some dishes, wipe the counters, & peel potatoes. But for some out of the norm reason I thought I needed to pick up my princess.
That was the nudging of the Spirit.

Then there was the 911 call. Normally I would of called my husband first to get his input. I know a lot of people think why wait? Why not just go with you're gut? Simply put, when I'm running on emotions I can't think clearly & don't always make the best decisions. I don't think I'm the only woman in that category.
Can I get an Amen??
But in this case I didn't call him & instead called for help, something I wouldn't ordinarily do. Again, the Spirit.

At this point we're not real certain why any of this occurred. It's likely my baby was just not getting enough glucose in her diet because of her lack of appetite. It was the first time I've experienced this with a sick child, I didn't know the sugar could drop so drastically or so quickly. During our overnight stay some other tests were run but most of them have already come back favorable.
So how do these two events tie together?

Well, I had a lot of time to think at the hospital. It wasn't too easy to sleep even though my princess was slumbering peacefully. I just kept staring at her & thinking "why" But this time the bitterness didn't rise up, instead it was gratitude. Instead of thinking "why me God? How could you?" I thought "why me God, THANK YOU"

How many parents don't get to take their child home? Through the loss of my babies I've come to know way too many mothers that left the hospital with empty arms. I'm one of those moms. And through God's grace my daughter came home. Am I saying she was at deaths door? I really can't say, nor will I entertain the thought. All I know is it was dangerous, it was serious, & it was terrifying.

O praise God for His mercy. Praise Him for the blessings we look over daily. For the cries we long to quiet but then ache to hear. Praise him for jelly stained cheeks & sticky fingers. Praise Him for dirty diapers, temper tantrums, & pouty faces.

Praise Him.


The Highly Blessed Supermom

Sorrow & Beauty

What am I thankful for? This question rang in my mind as I read a blog post at Heavenly Homemaker's on gratitude. I never knew about this link up & I feel now it was God's sweet reminder of sorrow & beauty. 3 years ago this upcoming Friday (16th) my beautiful Hannah girl went straight from being nestled in Mama's tummy to being cradled in Jesus arm's. Her little heart stopped beating after 6 months. That was the most painful season of my life, Hannah Joy's big brother Isaac had just went to Heaven under the same circumstances only 7 months earlier. Losing Isaac was painful, more than words can describe, but when Hannah died it was like getting kicked when you're down. We were still grieving Isaac & the wound was so fresh, it was torn open & I felt beaten, being left for dead. At times I felt like giving up, I wanted to just lay down & die. But God never left me, He fought through the haze that was my mind & my broken heart speaking life into my tattered soul. It took a very long time to recover & to this day I'm still recovering the loss of my children. I believe I will not be fully restored until the day I stand before my Lord & Savior. So what am I thankful for? I'm thankful for my God who never leaves, never forsakes, My Abba Father. I am thankful for my best friend, My husband. Who bore the brunt of this storm on his back & carried me to the feet of Jesus when I was too weakened to stand. I am thankful for my beautiful sister. She did everything I couldn't for my babies, she made difficult, painful, & wretched days into meaningful, grace filled peace. I'm thankful for my daughters. My three girls who lived through this pain with me, they are forever changed & have a strong love & devotion to one another. And they're unborn children. I am thankful that after walking through the valley of the shadow of death...He gave us HOPE. My beautiful girl Hope Joanna Jensen was born alive & well February 9th 2010. Her cries were the most beautiful sound I've heard this side of Heaven. Today & everyday, I am thankful that God chose me to be His child, that He chose this path for me. I am being created to be more like His son through the trials He has put before me. My God is good, He is beautiful, I love Him beyond measure.

The Blessed Supermom