Monday, February 6, 2012

Doing Better

After my last post I am doing better. Sometimes I need to pour out my pain before it pours over me. As you gather it can easily overwhelm & you can get lost in it. I know when I first lost Isaac & Hannah that's how I was, I was completely lost in my pain. In a fog of emotions I didn't understand, so much that I was clueless as to what was going on around me half the time.

In that post I shared my hurts & also shared what people have done wrong in my life & my walk in grief.
Now, I would like to share what people have done right.
The first person that comes to mind is my sister Lisa. She was the first person I told & hearing the pain & shock in her voice over the phone made it more real for me.
But that pain in her voice showed me how much she loved my son, not ever laying eyes on him she already missed Isaac. She loved him.
During the next few days I don't remember much but I do remember Lisa taking care of a lot for us. She sent word to friends & family of services, I can not even begin to imagine what that was like for her. It took a lot of courage on her part to step in & take care of so much. She never tried to make me feel better, how could she? She never expected me to move on, in fact she is one of the safest people in my life regarding Isaac & Hannah. There is never a time I can't talk about them & never a time she doesn't want to hear about them.
God gave me a wonderful sister & He prepared her for this time in MY life. He equipped her with what I needed. I love you Sa.

Others have shown love & respect for my Isaac & Hannah. They sincerely care about them & don't try to downplay their importance. These are friends like Barb, Terri, Jacki, Patty. They love Isaac & Hannah, they love me!
When Isaac & Hannah died they truly cared & grieved them with me. After Isaac died I was hurting but I wasn't even remotely through grieving before I became pregnant with Hannah. When she died I was more then a mess. I really don't know what to call what was happening to me but it was bad. Not only were physical things happening like I couldn't express myself, literally. I would try to talk & the words & thoughts were in my mind but I couldn't speak clearly, finally I would give up. I was sinking further into a depression, my daughter walked in my room one day to find me balled up on the floor in tears.
The friends I mentioned called me daily, prayed for me continually, & never gave up on me believing in faith that God would carry me through.

My friend Lisa is a gift from God, I met her one day at the cemetery. I was there to visit my little ones & she was there to visit her son Jeremiah. We understood one another & became fast friends. It was beautiful talking to her & realizing I wasn't crazy! She has shown me over & over that "it's okay"
Whatever "it" is.
There are so many times I've questioned this or wonder about that & not once have we tried real hard to figure out too much because we both know God is to big for that. Often I hear a simple response from her "and that's okay"
That may sound simple but when you are completely freaking out about your next pregnancy, angry with God (again), or confused it is absolutely freeing to have your friend say it's okay.
And not like I'm gonna make you feel better by saying that but by validating my feelings & just being my friend. No conditions.

And the most recent thing that happened that was "right" in regards to my children was just yesterday at church. A young sweet mom at my church had just read my blog & heard all these deep painful emotions & she cared.
She genuinely cared & said "I can't even imagine" "I never knew what happened"
Again, it may appear so simple but it's not. To have someone make a point of telling you that I took the time to read your open wounds, & feel your hurts with you matters more than you can imagine! I really can't say for certain, but I would think there is a measure of stepping out of your comfort zone to say something to me. Although we have recently begun a friendship she didn't know if I would wig out & start crying or even yelling. She stepped out & cared for me, like Christ wants us to. That matters a lot to me & instantly she holds a place in my heart.
You know who you are *wink*

I can't write up a list of rights & wrongs because that would make me crazy.
What I can & will do is continue to believe that God has a purpose for what He has done in my life, I know that Isaac & Hannah's deaths are not the end of their story. God will use the death of my children for His glory & what an honor it is to be the mother he has chosen for this weave in His tapestry.

The Blessed Supermom