I know my last post said I'm "Doing Better" & I am, or at least was. I don't know...
I'm not a complete wreck but yes it's 3:36am & I can't sleep, it's been this way all week. I start getting goofy before "dates" start popping up. The date I saw the spotting, the date I was told Isaac died, the date we buried him. It all comes up on me & I feel like I'm gonna throw up, I feel the way I did (to a smaller extent) when he first died. I couldn't sleep & I know a lot of my friends out here who have lost someone they love know that feeling. We all may not have trouble sleeping for the same reasons, for some it may be that their mind races with "could've & should've" or maybe it's the fear of another nightmare.
For me it's the emptiness of waking up.
When Isaac first died I avoided sleep because I didn't want to wake up, not meaning I wanted to die although the thought did cross my mind. It wasn't the wanting of death but it was the awful truth that when I woke up this was real & not a nightmare. My son really died, I really did bury him, he was really gone. I would only sleep from sheer exhaustion & even then I would fight it, I would stay up all night watching Scrubs with The Hubby. It was terrible because I think it was the same escape for him, he would go running to the video store just before midnight to rent another season so we could stay up watching them.
I loved that show but now I can't watch it. It brings me back to sitting on that couch at 2am in the morning knowing I eventually had to sleep & hating the thought of waking up to the emptiness.
Those feelings still creep up on me four years later although it's not the same. I'm usually not even aware I'm doing it until 3 or 4 days have passed by & each night gets later & later until I find myself up at 4am.
You would think after all this time without him I would see it coming, prepare myself & make a conscience effort to get to sleep. To pray & ask for prayer. There's all kinds of warning signs I become more irritable, wait no that's an understatement I become vicious. I have to watch myself or I will turn around & rip someone to bits verbally. I also find myself thinking of Isaac & start crying easily. I know you would think every thought of him would make me cry but that's not true, in fact more often than not thinking of him brings a smile to my face.
But instead of bringing a smile to my face I find myself in the bathroom crying hysterically with my hand over my mouth so my kids don't hear.
In all truth this pain is more vicious then I can ever be, it comes on you without a hint & tries to beat you into the ground.
However, the difference between 4 years ago & today is I'm not in the midst of the shock & I have a clearer mind. I can see Gods hand in the wounds, I can see Him holding my heart & letting me wail & cry out to Him.
I can feel His love...really I can.
I'm at a different mark in the road of my grief & the path is getting clearer. The answers to why Isaac & my Hannah we're taken to heaven so soon won't be given to me here on earth. But I will be given perfect clarity when God takes me with Him. Until then I will have trouble sleeping at times but He will be here. When I wake up to what feels so much like emptiness I'll be reminded I can rest in His arms.
The eternal God is your refuge,
and underneath are the everlasting arms. Deuteronomy 33:27
The Blessed Supermom