Saturday, February 25, 2012
I'm not a complete wreck but yes it's 3:36am & I can't sleep, it's been this way all week. I start getting goofy before "dates" start popping up. The date I saw the spotting, the date I was told Isaac died, the date we buried him. It all comes up on me & I feel like I'm gonna throw up, I feel the way I did (to a smaller extent) when he first died. I couldn't sleep & I know a lot of my friends out here who have lost someone they love know that feeling. We all may not have trouble sleeping for the same reasons, for some it may be that their mind races with "could've & should've" or maybe it's the fear of another nightmare.
For me it's the emptiness of waking up.
When Isaac first died I avoided sleep because I didn't want to wake up, not meaning I wanted to die although the thought did cross my mind. It wasn't the wanting of death but it was the awful truth that when I woke up this was real & not a nightmare. My son really died, I really did bury him, he was really gone. I would only sleep from sheer exhaustion & even then I would fight it, I would stay up all night watching Scrubs with The Hubby. It was terrible because I think it was the same escape for him, he would go running to the video store just before midnight to rent another season so we could stay up watching them.
I loved that show but now I can't watch it. It brings me back to sitting on that couch at 2am in the morning knowing I eventually had to sleep & hating the thought of waking up to the emptiness.
Those feelings still creep up on me four years later although it's not the same. I'm usually not even aware I'm doing it until 3 or 4 days have passed by & each night gets later & later until I find myself up at 4am.
You would think after all this time without him I would see it coming, prepare myself & make a conscience effort to get to sleep. To pray & ask for prayer. There's all kinds of warning signs I become more irritable, wait no that's an understatement I become vicious. I have to watch myself or I will turn around & rip someone to bits verbally. I also find myself thinking of Isaac & start crying easily. I know you would think every thought of him would make me cry but that's not true, in fact more often than not thinking of him brings a smile to my face.
But instead of bringing a smile to my face I find myself in the bathroom crying hysterically with my hand over my mouth so my kids don't hear.
In all truth this pain is more vicious then I can ever be, it comes on you without a hint & tries to beat you into the ground.
However, the difference between 4 years ago & today is I'm not in the midst of the shock & I have a clearer mind. I can see Gods hand in the wounds, I can see Him holding my heart & letting me wail & cry out to Him.
I can feel His love...really I can.
I'm at a different mark in the road of my grief & the path is getting clearer. The answers to why Isaac & my Hannah we're taken to heaven so soon won't be given to me here on earth. But I will be given perfect clarity when God takes me with Him. Until then I will have trouble sleeping at times but He will be here. When I wake up to what feels so much like emptiness I'll be reminded I can rest in His arms.
The eternal God is your refuge,
and underneath are the everlasting arms. Deuteronomy 33:27
The Blessed Supermom
Monday, February 6, 2012
In that post I shared my hurts & also shared what people have done wrong in my life & my walk in grief.
Now, I would like to share what people have done right.
The first person that comes to mind is my sister Lisa. She was the first person I told & hearing the pain & shock in her voice over the phone made it more real for me.
But that pain in her voice showed me how much she loved my son, not ever laying eyes on him she already missed Isaac. She loved him.
During the next few days I don't remember much but I do remember Lisa taking care of a lot for us. She sent word to friends & family of services, I can not even begin to imagine what that was like for her. It took a lot of courage on her part to step in & take care of so much. She never tried to make me feel better, how could she? She never expected me to move on, in fact she is one of the safest people in my life regarding Isaac & Hannah. There is never a time I can't talk about them & never a time she doesn't want to hear about them.
God gave me a wonderful sister & He prepared her for this time in MY life. He equipped her with what I needed. I love you Sa.
Others have shown love & respect for my Isaac & Hannah. They sincerely care about them & don't try to downplay their importance. These are friends like Barb, Terri, Jacki, Patty. They love Isaac & Hannah, they love me!
When Isaac & Hannah died they truly cared & grieved them with me. After Isaac died I was hurting but I wasn't even remotely through grieving before I became pregnant with Hannah. When she died I was more then a mess. I really don't know what to call what was happening to me but it was bad. Not only were physical things happening like I couldn't express myself, literally. I would try to talk & the words & thoughts were in my mind but I couldn't speak clearly, finally I would give up. I was sinking further into a depression, my daughter walked in my room one day to find me balled up on the floor in tears.
The friends I mentioned called me daily, prayed for me continually, & never gave up on me believing in faith that God would carry me through.
My friend Lisa is a gift from God, I met her one day at the cemetery. I was there to visit my little ones & she was there to visit her son Jeremiah. We understood one another & became fast friends. It was beautiful talking to her & realizing I wasn't crazy! She has shown me over & over that "it's okay"
Whatever "it" is.
There are so many times I've questioned this or wonder about that & not once have we tried real hard to figure out too much because we both know God is to big for that. Often I hear a simple response from her "and that's okay"
That may sound simple but when you are completely freaking out about your next pregnancy, angry with God (again), or confused it is absolutely freeing to have your friend say it's okay.
And not like I'm gonna make you feel better by saying that but by validating my feelings & just being my friend. No conditions.
And the most recent thing that happened that was "right" in regards to my children was just yesterday at church. A young sweet mom at my church had just read my blog & heard all these deep painful emotions & she cared.
She genuinely cared & said "I can't even imagine" "I never knew what happened"
Again, it may appear so simple but it's not. To have someone make a point of telling you that I took the time to read your open wounds, & feel your hurts with you matters more than you can imagine! I really can't say for certain, but I would think there is a measure of stepping out of your comfort zone to say something to me. Although we have recently begun a friendship she didn't know if I would wig out & start crying or even yelling. She stepped out & cared for me, like Christ wants us to. That matters a lot to me & instantly she holds a place in my heart.
You know who you are *wink*
I can't write up a list of rights & wrongs because that would make me crazy.
What I can & will do is continue to believe that God has a purpose for what He has done in my life, I know that Isaac & Hannah's deaths are not the end of their story. God will use the death of my children for His glory & what an honor it is to be the mother he has chosen for this weave in His tapestry.
The Blessed Supermom
Saturday, February 4, 2012
It's hurting again.
It never really stops, just dulls a little then flares up again. I suppose it's like any other trauma, you go through this horrendous event & need all sorts of surgery.
Maybe you even die on the table, flat line.
Finally, your revived & it's a long road of recovery & you'll never be the same.
That's what it's like to have your child die, or in my case...two.
Those who are blessed to not know this kind of pain don't understand it. I've had harsh words said to me such as "maybe God is trying to tell you something"
As if God had to "try" to tell me to stop having children by killing two of them. Yea, I don't think so. That would be just plain cruel & wicked & guess what?? God is good. Simple words but the truth all the same.
I've had skewed kindness as well. When good willed friends think I'm wallowing in pain & they need to help encourage me by choosing to live in the present instead of dwelling in the past.
Honestly that might possibly be more frustrating then the thoughtless words of others. Because those people are well...thoughtless!
The ones who choose to "help" are the ones who are really clueless because what they don't understand is Isaac & Hannah are not my past, they are with me continually.
They live in the present with me because they are in my soul. Like the rest of my children, they are in my heartbeat. How can I leave them in the past?
Do I dwell there? In their deaths?
No, I don't.
But will I walk away from the babies I miss to please the thoughts of others & their perceptions of my needed recovery?
That all said, I need to cry soon.
To weep & wail & let my heart ache. Because ya know what? The dull ache that is persistently there is flaring up. The pain is demanding to be heard & released & the build up just plain sucks.
My friends out there that have had the dream of raising & loving this much wanted child ripped from them know what I mean.
They know the pit in your stomach that is so hard & deep it feels like you may throw up. Sometimes you do.
The lump in your throat you almost can't breathe. The wave of anguish washing over it feels as though you may not survive this time & drown in the pain.
Those mommies whose arms are empty, they know.
They understand the slow build up of hurt that grows & grows until it begins taking over your very being & the only way to release it is to cry.
Not a normal cry either, a soul wrenching deep within the heart of your being cry.
The cry where only God can hear the innermost pain. The cry of a broken mommy who visits the child she never knew in a cemetery. The cry of a mommy who held her child for only a moment & had to watch as a stranger took your baby away.
I need that kind of cry soon because if I don't allow myself to cry like that all go downright insane. It's not healthy to bottle this up, it will eat away at the fabric of your being. I truly can not comprehend how women in the past survived miscarriages & stillborn children & not be allowed to feel their pain. I know it would have been too much for me. Like I said...I would go insane.
I need to cry & I don't want to because the anxiety of knowing it's coming brings old feelings back.
Feelings I don’t want to feel.
I'm always better after but knowing it's coming is intimidating.
It's scary. Each time that pain comes there is this emotion I can't shake that this will be the time I lose it.
That I'll lose all faith & lose all hope. That never happens & like I said I always feel better but I'm just being honest.
Anyway, the ugly pain that never really even goes away is here in full force. Again. So here I am.
Getting washed over with waves of unrelenting anguish.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
As I stated, the book has a great concept "the couple that prays together stays together"
I whole hardily agree, however this book was not my cup of tea. I did not find in this book ideas that really challenged me & stretched my prayer life with my husband. Yes, reading how celebrity couples such as Denzel Washington & his wife and their stories of how daily prayer together changed their marriage was somewhat interesting. But over all the book was nowhere near as deep as I had hoped. It felt as though the authors were trying to drop famous names in hopes of bating me. Unfortunately, I was highly disappointed in this book, it is not a book for Christian Couples who want to be seriously challenged, it's more fluff & name dropping if you ask me.
All in all I do not recommend this book.
The Blessed Supermom
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR, Part 255.