Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Control, who's got it?

My life has seem to have been spinning out of control for a while now. First I was going through this huge change with my anti siezure meds. I was getting terrible ferocious headaches, I was also battling insomnia & occasional nausea. Put this altogether & it brings on the big "D"


Now lately there are more recent things happening like the diagnosis of my step moms lung cancer, financial fall outs, relational issues.
So much mess, so much to CONTROL.
See I don't think trying to get things in order is necessarily a bad thing because it really isn't but discernment is vital.
For example, I can control my end of relationships but I most definitely have absolutely no control of how someone treats me. I have control over what I'll allow.
Will I let a person hurt me? No, I can control that persons involvement in my life. Can I control there behavior? No
To try & do so is futile.

How about my step moms cancer?
Well, the cruel truth is I have absolutely no say so over that one.
So I can make myself crazy thinking of how horrible God is for allowing it. Maybe how terrible the air quality is in our environment. I can jump up & down about all the things that should be.
Or....I could let go of the control. I could release all of this insanity & accept I am powerless.
I like the idea of letting go, I mean don't get me wrong letting go isn't easy. In fact it's real hard but I think trying to micro manage every little hairy detail of life is a lot harder.
So as for me I'm gonna try & do the letting go thing.
I'm still gonna be ticked off if someone treats me poorly but I think choosing to set up boundaries instead of going batty trying to make them act a certain way. I'm still upset beyond words that my stepmother is battling cancer but I'll do the only thing I can.
That's the best choice don't ya think?

Monday, August 20, 2012

Not Pretending

Okay....I'm mad. Not gonna play games here, not gonna pretend. I'm mad. My stepmom has just been diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer & ya know what??? This really sucks!!
I'm just blown away ya know, like can this really be happening?? Did this evil monster really just invade our family? I can't even process this. I know that I'm angry cuz that's what I do to cover up my pain. Learned that one in my ACOA class (oh joy)
But really I don't want to accept this, I don't wanna cry & feel and all that stupid crap. I just wanna smash things & scream!
Yes, hi...my name is Tina and I'm the lunatic of the family.
I'm in this throw of emotion knowing I need to pull myself together & be an encouragement to my stepmom & my father. I KNOW that I need to bring this all to the Lords feet and trust in Him.
Sometimes it's just so very hard to do that. Sometimes you need to wig out a little first. That's where I am...the wigging stage.
I love my stepmom & I'm gonna do all I can to give her all the love she needs.
I'm gonna continuously pray that God shows her favor.
Love you Adriana