Monday, November 28, 2011

Finding Hope Through The Pain

So I'm in this real mushy state today. I think it's the holidays, they're always difficult. Don't get me wrong I'm thankful to God for all He's blessed me with. But days can turn melancholy fast. The hurt can overwhelm.
The funny thing is it's always the same thing to trigger the weary heart in me.
Christmas ornaments....
How can sweet little decorations tear me in two?? You would think I would prepare myself right? That every year I would tell myself before I walk in the store that it's gonna be okay. That the season is about life, it's about Jesus being born into this cold dark world & ultimately giving His life so we wouldn't know the taste of death.
But as wonderful & true as that is, the pain still comes.
Every year at this time I'm reminded of my Isaac & Hannah. I can't help but wonder what my babies look like now, what it would feel like to hold there little chunky hands. To deal with their tantrums & defiance, to kiss their owwies & roll my eyes at their foolishness. To pick up their little sweaty bodies in the night as we pray the fever away.
See, at this time of the year I'm reminded of all the little things.
The small things I've missed. Every year there are more moments missed.
As you can see, it's hard not to get weepy. It's hard not to wallow in the pain & anguish & just live here for a while.
Truth is I miss my little ones so hard & deep that I don't think I can truly put into words my ache for them.
In all this I can see Jesus face & feel Gods heart, if not just a little with my simple finite mind.
I only knew my Isaac for 5 months & my Hannah for 6 & the pain runs so deep. The loss of them pulses through my veins & it is part of my being. I've been told to "get over it" to "move on"
But how do you get over the loss of your child?
That's the little piece of Gods heart I think I feel. The pain of watching your child die, the pain of knowing this has to happen. Wanting to change this moment but it is already written & there's no running away from it.
I think of the pain of the moment I was told my children had died & how crushing that was. How those few seconds forever altered my life.
Now, how can I ever choose to feel that pain? To choose to give my child death?
That's what God did.
For me...for you.
He chose to send His one & only Son to die in this broken world so that we may live.
He rose again on the third day & overcame death & through that power & grace I have overcome death as well. I will walk with Him in Heaven one day.
What blows my mind about this amazing plan of His is that through that same power & grace my children also overcame death! My children live alongside Him in perfect peace.

Today, I have an ache in my heart for my Isaac & Hannah, but it's also filled with hope.
Hope for His promises & His future for me.

The Blessed Superomom

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