Sunday, April 10, 2011

The Hurt Never Really Ends

Well, it finally happened...again. I completely broke down. I know some of you know about my Angel Babies Isaac & Hannah, I lost them both in '08. It was by far the most horrendous time in my life. I felt crushed beyond words & my heart was shattered into a million pieces. I feel as though it's been taped together but some of the pieces are missing & the tape isn't always that strong. At any given moment something can cause the pieces to fall apart & I'm at a loss how to put it back together.
Kinda like Humpty Dumpty...I know weird analogy.
Every now & then I melt down, I mean complete mush. Something triggers the pain & I lose it. Usually, I try to "schedule" these melt downs. Again, I know it sounds weird but I have little ones & responsibilities so I can't just fall apart. Most times I know a melt down is coming & I head over to the cemetery listening to music that reminds me of my babies & proceed to ball my head off.
That didn't happen this time..
Instead it hit me at church.
See, the past few weeks have been very difficult. I've had too many "heart hits" & it began building into this torrential storm in my soul.
It all began when I went to see my neurologist (seizures) & somehow Isaac & Hannah were brought up, as I told him about my sweet babies I began crying. Honestly, I LOVE talking about them but it just hurt this time like it hasn't in a while. As he listened to my story he asked if I'd had testing done to try to find the cause of their deaths. He specifically said "do you know why your babies died"

I sincerely appreciated that he called them babies, not fetuses. First of all they are my children & I personally don't care what the heck scientific terminology you want to use. My children were 5 & 6 months in my womb & they are my BABIES. So just be aware, if a woman lost her child at 8 months or 8 weeks that is her BABY. Don't call that baby her fetus, IT HURTS.

OK, rant is over..

Back to my Neuro doc, he asked about testing. I told him I'd had all sorts of testing, in fact I'd had it at Rush Hospital, the hospital I was at seeing him. He began looking for my lab work in the hospital computer. Turns out the Women's Clinic I'd gone to sends their labs out of the hospital. Well, of course he couldn't find them but he did tell me the reason he was looking for them was because lo & behold it turns out there are Neurological Auto-Immune diseases which cause stillborn death.

Go figure!!
Yea, that's angry sarcasm.

Truth is I've had so much testing done including Auto-Immune diseases but I couldn't tell you what. My brain is fried just thinking about it. So we ordered more tests.
Then, I left the office. I walked down the same halls I'd walked before with weakened knees & a racing heart wondering if I'd get an answer. Desperate to know if I could ever have any more children. Broken when I was told I'm sorry we don't know why they died.
By the time I got to my car I felt I was going to either pass out or vomit. I immediately called my husband but he wasn't available. I then called my mom, I tried to explain to her what happened but I was so hysterical I didn't make sense.
I hated the idea of more testing, I hated more anxious worrying for that answer. I started to feel overwhelmed with guilt for my wee munchkin. I knew I should be praising God that if I did have a disease that was somehow missed, my sweet beautiful daughter survived it. But instead I felt terrible that I may or may not have put her life in danger. I felt if I did have a disease that I'd killed my Isaac & Hannah. Now be aware I have many beautiful friends who DO have auto-immune diseases & genetic mutations that have lost little ones & I would NEVER EVER say they were to blame. However, I also know that these same moms understand completely where I'm coming from. That night I came home & hugged my Isaac & Hannah Bear & cried til I had a headache.
After I felt better & I thought I was pretty much OK.
However, that was just strike one..
Well, a few days ago I worked up my nerve. I thought about it & prayed for a week & called my dad asking for the funeral pictures of Isaac & Hannah. When they died my dad took a picture of their little coffins. In my family we always do that at a funeral, it's not some sick twisted weirdness, it's not like it goes in the family photo album. It's just what we do, I suppose it's the last official photo.
At the time he asked if I wanted them & I said no, I told him to keep them for now. I always figured I'd get them when I was ready.
Well, I'll never get them, he deleted them. It was an honest mistake, but now they're gone...forever. A part of my babies.

Strike two...

So here we are, now it's Sunday & I'm at church. It was truly a beautiful day, nice bright shiny sun, all sorts of sweet smiling faces & hugs from my family & friends. I was feeling pretty good. Service always starts with a half hour of worship & can I just say that my church has the BEST worship team on the planet. I know you think it's yours but really, it's mine =)
And the drummer on my church's worship team is jaw dropping handsome!!!
Oh...don't worry the drummer is my hubby. (insert sheepish grin here)
So the worship team is rockin' & it's awesome & true to format our worship leader slows it down after a few songs.
This is where I went to pieces.
The song we were led to sing is a song by the name "Hungry"
This is the song we played at Hannah's funeral....Strike three...OUT!!
It hit me hard, I've heard it & sung it so many times but for some reason the words were penetrating me & they hurt. When we played it at her funeral we chose it because of the lyrics....

Hungry, I come to you
For I know You satisfy
I am empty, but I know
Your love does not run dry

So I wait for you
So I wait for You
I’m falling on my knees
Offering all of me
Jesus, You’re all this heart is living for

Broken, I run to You
For Your arms are open wide
I am weary, but I know
Your touch restores my life

After losing Isaac & now having to endure Hannah's death I was completely broken.
It was all I could do to hang on to Jesus for dear life, to run to Him because although I didn't understand in my heart I KNEW somehow He would restore me.
Sunday this song was played & I was back at Hannah's funeral. I couldn't keep it together, I tried, God knows I really did try. I had to leave because I started crying so hard, I raced to the bathroom hiccuping, trying to catch my breath. Finally, I made it in & thankfully a friend of mine hugged me, loved me, & comforted me. My beautiful sister came in & offered me hugs & love too.

Well, now I really do feel better.
But, I've come to the raw conclusion that the hurt never really ends. I've always said to friends & family there is a constant dull ache, every now & then it flares up & intensifies but all in all it's under control.
I don't know if under control are the right words, I suppose it's pain that is managed by a regular dose of acknowledging the hurt & bringing it to God.
But, I've wondered over these past 3 years would there come a time when the tears of intense pain would stop & they would become bittersweet occasional tears. Masked in sweet anticipation of the day I meet Jesus & He hands me my perfect little ones.
I do have tears & days like that. I see a little dress & realize Hannah will never wear it & the ache flares, little tears spring up, & then there's that bittersweet smile.
The days of ridiculous, mind blowing, on the floor, crying til I'm sick are few. I just naively thought someday they would stop.
But as I said the pain never really ends, so I'm going to have terrible days. And it's going to hurt & I'm going to weep, & I'm going to feel the wounds as though their fresh all over again. But I won't be alone, I will come to Him...hungry, broken, empty..
Because I know HE satisfies.

‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

Revelation 21:4

The Blessed Supermom


  1. I think you are very brave to put the feelings into words. I think we will have 'days' for the rest of our time here. I think you are awesome and please know that you are not alone. This road is dark, but there are so many of us on it. I will walk with you, will you continue to walk with me? I don't want to be alone either.

  2. Thank you Lisa, I will be honored to walk this path with you as God leads us both.