Groggily I get out of bed & stumble towards the bathroom....again. Many babies have....er...adjusted my inner workings so an uninterrupted nights sleep I shan't enjoy again. I take a detour towards the door to my left & listen, quiet...nothing. Yet, I can't help myself, I open the door & there they are....3 of my 4 Princesses, sleeping peacefully. I'm still not really awake & the moment's sweet but I have to get to bed before the baby stirs, but then I hear something. Quietly, she sings "who will love me for me, not for what I have done or what I'll become, who will love me for me, cause nobody has shown me what love really means"
The air sucks out of my lungs, I feel as though I'm sucker punched.
My girls sleep soundly as the singing comes from the radio & the words echo in the air. I begin crying, feeling convicted. Questioning, what did I do today to show Christ to my children?? How did I show them His unconditional love??
I begin to feel racked with guilt & shame, I'm thinking of every time I spoke harshly with them & they looked back with tears in their eyes. I remember when they wanted to play with Mommy but Mommy was too busy with something "important"
I'm crying so hard that I think I may wake them & then I hear more of the song that has moved me to tears....
I will love you for you Not for what you have done or what you will become I will love you for you I will give you the love The love that you never knew
This song is about the love God gives to the broken, abandoned, forgotten, confused & every body in between. It's more than that though, it's about redemption, restoration, & peace. He softly spoke to me that night, asking "are you loving my sheep?"
You see, God...the creator of the awesome heavens, the magnificent earth, the majestic mountains~He created these children. With His own hands, He wrapped them up in my womb as a gift to me. And now asks....are you cherishing your gift? Or have you begun to take your gift for granted? Are you loving this gift as you did when first received from me? Or have you begun to put conditions on these good gifts??
What my point is, what I felt so strongly that night, in the still darkness, as I sat alone with God was this. I have not loved my children as God loves me. I have loved them as best I could but I have put expectations on them & been unfair at times. I have wanted their forgiveness but have held sin against them. I have not treated them as God would want me to.
I'm not confessing that I'm a terrible woman & horrible mother.
I'm confessing that I'm a sinner. That I need to remember that my children are looking to me to see Christ's unconditional love. They are looking to me to see the example of who God is & how He cherishes & adores them.
I need to show them that no matter what happens, what they do or don't do, how they fail or disappoint, not for what they've done or what they'll become~that I will love and love
Just as Christ loves me...and you.