Monday, May 21, 2012

Fearing The Unknown

I shared in a previous blog post that one of my goals for the year would be confronting some past issues affecting my present.  Recently I began an intense support group for Adult Children of Alcoholics & it's been more than difficult. 
I've always known growing up in that environment affected me but I never knew to what degree. I have a tendency to minimize the life I lived because I don't want to shame my family or throw a pity party. I'm always afraid I'll make it bigger than it actually was & be found a liar. But the truth is I'm not even sure the magnitude of the dysfunction because my memory is vague at best.
For many years I believed it to be the norm to forget ones childhood but now I know that to be untrue.
I mean sure you can't remember every little detail but I have whole chunks wiped clean.

Recently bits & pieces are coming to the surface & I'm getting scared. My support leader (who happens to be beautiful & amazing) keeps reassuring me that God wont bring to the surface what He wont give me the grace to walk through.
I know that to be true but it's still frightening. The unknown has a sense of foreboding. Who doesn't get a little queasy in the tummy when trying something new? We all do!
And what I'm dealing with isn't just something new, it's something that affected me so much my brain filed it away so I could continue to function.
That's really scary to me.
I'm afraid of what's in that unknown place of my mind, I'm afraid of the monster waiting there for me & what it knows about me.

But the one thing I do know is God will carry me & protect me. I know He wont leave me nor did he ever.
I'll just wait on Him to show me what I need to see & trust that whatever it is will be healed & bring healing to others as well.

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