Can I Do This????

Well, I'm freakin out....here it is...I have to get a job.
There I said it...uh typed it. 

Anyway, I haven't "worked" in 10 years & ya know what??? That's a very long time & I'm really scared. I mean let me just be real here ya know? I feel so incapable, so out of the loop. Almost like filling out these applications in front of me is pointless because my availability is so specific & again I haven't worked since dinosaurs roamed the Earth. 
Then there's the slim chance I actually get a job I feel like I'll be lucky enough to have an 18 year old teeny bopper telling me what to do! I have an almost 18 year old teeny bopper of my own!!

YIKES!

And yes I have to just shoot for retail because I've never been the "career girl" my desire was always to be home with my babies & I've been blessed a lot longer than other Mama's but now it's time to get back out there. 
I don't want to...I mean I really really don't want to. I want to be with my family & not away from them. 
I'm really torn because I know that this is a need right now but I feel scared & upset that right now my life isn't a cake walk. I'm upset that money isn't falling from trees & everything is NOT okay. Oh, I know it will be & ultimately God is my provider but I can be upset sometimes right??

 I suppose I have to look at all the positives right? There will be a financial cushion & the extra income helps build credit leading us ever so closer to that dream home. Being away from my babies will only make me cherish them more. Then of course this gives me the opportunity to minister to others. To be a light to the lost & oh I will be. Because let me tell you one thing that I'm certain of, nothing absolutely nothing will ever make me hide my God. So I will be wearing His love on me daily & hope to be some salt. 

Pray for me will you? This is gonna be a tough transition for myself & my family.

The Blessed Supermom

Control, who's got it?

My life has seem to have been spinning out of control for a while now. First I was going through this huge change with my anti siezure meds. I was getting terrible ferocious headaches, I was also battling insomnia & occasional nausea. Put this altogether & it brings on the big "D"

Depression...

Now lately there are more recent things happening like the diagnosis of my step moms lung cancer, financial fall outs, relational issues.
So much mess, so much to CONTROL.
See I don't think trying to get things in order is necessarily a bad thing because it really isn't but discernment is vital.
For example, I can control my end of relationships but I most definitely have absolutely no control of how someone treats me. I have control over what I'll allow.
Will I let a person hurt me? No, I can control that persons involvement in my life. Can I control there behavior? No
To try & do so is futile.

How about my step moms cancer?
Well, the cruel truth is I have absolutely no say so over that one.
Nothing....zilch.
So I can make myself crazy thinking of how horrible God is for allowing it. Maybe how terrible the air quality is in our environment. I can jump up & down about all the things that should be.
Or....I could let go of the control. I could release all of this insanity & accept I am powerless.
I like the idea of letting go, I mean don't get me wrong letting go isn't easy. In fact it's real hard but I think trying to micro manage every little hairy detail of life is a lot harder.
So as for me I'm gonna try & do the letting go thing.
I'm still gonna be ticked off if someone treats me poorly but I think choosing to set up boundaries instead of going batty trying to make them act a certain way. I'm still upset beyond words that my stepmother is battling cancer but I'll do the only thing I can.
Pray.
That's the best choice don't ya think?

Not Pretending

Okay....I'm mad. Not gonna play games here, not gonna pretend. I'm mad. My stepmom has just been diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer & ya know what??? This really sucks!!
I'm just blown away ya know, like can this really be happening?? Did this evil monster really just invade our family? I can't even process this. I know that I'm angry cuz that's what I do to cover up my pain. Learned that one in my ACOA class (oh joy)
But really I don't want to accept this, I don't wanna cry & feel and all that stupid crap. I just wanna smash things & scream!
Yes, hi...my name is Tina and I'm the lunatic of the family.
I'm in this throw of emotion knowing I need to pull myself together & be an encouragement to my stepmom & my father. I KNOW that I need to bring this all to the Lords feet and trust in Him.
Sometimes it's just so very hard to do that. Sometimes you need to wig out a little first. That's where I am...the wigging stage.
I love my stepmom & I'm gonna do all I can to give her all the love she needs.
I'm gonna continuously pray that God shows her favor.
Love you Adriana 

Been A While..

Okay yea, it's been more than just a while. 
Sorry..life ya know it takes up most of my days. Things like insanely painful headaches sending me to the ER 3x's. Sicky little people. How's about my husbands building catching fire & not knowing whether he's outside of it & safe?
Yea, lotsa stuff.

But that's not what I'm doing here tonight. What I'm doing here is venting about one of the commitments I made to myself at the beginning of the year. Which one you ask?
Oh, the hardest one! The commitment of diving into my past to find out what makes me tick.
Can I just say that the deeper I go & the more my eyes are open the more nuttier I see I am. I don't mean that to put myself down, truth is you're nutty too, maybe ya just don't know it yet. 
See we ALL fall short of the glory of God & to put it in my own words we're all jacked up. We have all grown up in homes that were dysfunctional to some degree & we now carry that into our present life. Maybe you grew up in a home that was basically "normal" but began an unhealthy relationship with someone & that triggered those not so prominent dysfunctions from childhood. Those dysfunctions have grown & became genuine issues now.
My point is we all have a story & we're all "nutty" to some degree.

Me? I'm waaaay nutty!

I'm not ready to divulge every aspect of this new group I'm in, I've mentioned it before remember? It's basically a two year commitment into really digging deep into painful issues. And point blank sometimes it just sucks. I mean for me that is. I can honestly say I don't like all this stuff I'm learning because it hurts so bad. However I believe & trust that God is revealing these painful things to bring healing to me.

I think of it like an infection.
Look at it this way you get a cut & it's not properly cared for, eventually it becomes infected. So here you are with this painful cut & it's starting to sting & swell, you begin to think this hurts so much I can't wait for the Dr or antibiotics. I'm just gonna press down real hard on all the swelling & release the gross pus & goo. 
So with teeth clenched that's what ya do & maybe...just maybe if you're lucky the infection is cleared.
It's likely though that you're still infected & without the proper care & treatment the infection will continue to grow & spread. 

So do you get my gross analogy? Basically what I'm saying is I've been living with this infection in my heart & spirit all my life & now it's time to see the Dr & get real healing. It's just that after all these years the work involved isn't as easy as popping pills. I have to get deep down to all the roots & yank them out. I have to do things I don't like.
Like feel feelings. Maybe that sounds daft but it's true, I greatly dislike being vulnerable. Even with myself! So now to actually acknowledge this or that is truly foreign & strange. I mean I know it's healthy & right & I encourage others to share their heart but it's difficult to heed my own advice. 

All of this is a bit overwhelming & new to me but I can see God's hand in all of this & it's honestly amazing. Something I'm noticing is the blessings of the women God has given me in this group. Thinking of these women makes me feel like crying with gratitude (not used to feeling that)
I can honestly say these women are in my heart...forever. They are truly beautiful & God has used each & every single one of them to minister to me & open my eyes. They also help me feel less crazy! When I can hear someone share a feeling or thought they're having & I can actually relate it's like "whoa! I'm not the only one! Awesome!"
It really really helps me to have people in my life that are genuine & non judgemental. 

Well, I think I'm done ranting for now & I would like to say I'm gonna run off & do some really emotionally healthy thing right now like journal or meditate. But nah...I'm gonna eat chocolate & yea it's dysfunctional but chocolate taste good & it makes me happy =)

The Blessed Supermom  

Fearing The Unknown

I shared in a previous blog post that one of my goals for the year would be confronting some past issues affecting my present.  Recently I began an intense support group for Adult Children of Alcoholics & it's been more than difficult. 
I've always known growing up in that environment affected me but I never knew to what degree. I have a tendency to minimize the life I lived because I don't want to shame my family or throw a pity party. I'm always afraid I'll make it bigger than it actually was & be found a liar. But the truth is I'm not even sure the magnitude of the dysfunction because my memory is vague at best.
For many years I believed it to be the norm to forget ones childhood but now I know that to be untrue.
I mean sure you can't remember every little detail but I have whole chunks wiped clean.

Recently bits & pieces are coming to the surface & I'm getting scared. My support leader (who happens to be beautiful & amazing) keeps reassuring me that God wont bring to the surface what He wont give me the grace to walk through.
I know that to be true but it's still frightening. The unknown has a sense of foreboding. Who doesn't get a little queasy in the tummy when trying something new? We all do!
And what I'm dealing with isn't just something new, it's something that affected me so much my brain filed it away so I could continue to function.
That's really scary to me.
I'm afraid of what's in that unknown place of my mind, I'm afraid of the monster waiting there for me & what it knows about me.

But the one thing I do know is God will carry me & protect me. I know He wont leave me nor did he ever.
I'll just wait on Him to show me what I need to see & trust that whatever it is will be healed & bring healing to others as well.

Falling In Love With My Husband

More often then not when I blog it's about my children & rightfully so, my blog is titled Confessions of a Supermom. But I'm feeling I need to share about my husband today. I can truly say I've had more then a tumultuous marriage, in part due to my bitter choices. 

I have held his wrong choices against him & chosen to live in the past rather then trust God for my future. I came into this marriage a very wounded girl, I had a painful childhood growing up in an alcoholic & dysfunctional home. For many years I've lived in anger but could never pin point why I was so angry, it would plague me continually that I held this deep dark secret. I felt if anyone ever knew how quickly I could explode I would be rejected. 

I never paid attention to the fact that for 12 years I had someone who never left me. My husband continued to love & accept me with all my faults, of course he has his issues too but this post isn't about his problems.

Besides, regardless of what The Hubby does God calls me as his wife to honor, respect, & revere him. There will be a day when I stand before the LORD accountable for my actions & I'll be all alone. I wont be able to say "but did you see what he did?" "did you hear what he said"

It wont matter at that point because God's word is infallible & I can't make excuses for my behavior.

Only recently I've begun to open my eyes to the damage I have done to my marriage & family, for years I've made excuses for my behavior & the truth is I have no good excuse.

Yes, I am a very wounded person both by my own hands & the hands of others but I have a choice...do I live in bondage or walk in freedom??

Due to some recent events in my life I have finally chosen freedom, I have made the decision to love my husband with abandon. And ya know what? It's beautiful, he really is an amazing man!! We haven't had one single argument in weeks because the truth is I've decided I would rather be married than right. Does this mean I'm not entitled to my opinion? No.

It just means my opinion can hold a lot more weight if I deliver it correctly. What man wants to be hollered at because he's making the wrong choice? What man will rise up in leadership if he's constantly being questioned? The truth is ladies our men NEED us to be their cheerleaders. They NEED to know that even when the whole world is against them that they can come home to a friend that loves them unconditionally. Our men NEED to know we admire them & believe in them & they NEED to know that they can make a mistake & still be loved. 

My husband is a gift from God & it's taken me 12 long years to receive that gift. I mourn & grieve over all the time lost & praise God that we wont be old & grey still fighting. I enjoy laughing with him & cuddling up with him. The truth is now I feel as though I can't get enough of him, I'm falling in love. 

Ladies, I encourage you to pray & pray hard for the pains that you carry that are effecting your marriage. We are all broken in one way or another & satan seeks to destroy the family, the best way to do that is to start with the parents. For the few men that are reading this I encourage you to actively pursue your wife, my husband began doing that regardless of my actions & I have never felt more loved. He loved me through God's heart & that gave me self worth I didn't believe I could ever have. 

There is a scripture I believe applies to this & I hope you feel it's true impact.

This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live. 

Deuteronomy 30:19

What will you choose?

The Blessed Supermom

"Pretty??"

"Mama? Mama hands..."

Sleepy...groggy "huh" 

"whaa?? Oh hi sweetie"

"Mama hands??"

"What baby, what?? Your hands are purple!?"

This is how my day began, with my munchkin coming to wake me & let me know her hands were purple. I flew out of bed afraid she found Cow's sharpies but I realized it didn't smell like marker.

Lip gloss? 

I went into the girls room to find that Cow's BRAND NEW WHITE BED was covered in purple nail polish!! There was purple nail polish all over the foot board, spilled on the floor, & drops here & there on the area rug, also new.

I just about lost my head, really I felt it do a full 360 as my eyes apparently bugged completely out of my face. It took everything inside me to contain my anger. I'm not going to lie, every ounce of me was trying to focus on self control & not completely flip out. I called Big Daddy to help me keep some sense, he answered & I started talking a mile a minute asking him to pray because I was quite certain he was coming home to twins. Why you ask? Because I was going to knock that little girl so hard she would split into two!!

No, I really wouldn't do that but I was seething & knew I wasn't thinking clearly. I didn't want to say something I would regret. 

So of course my calm & logical husband answered with "is she okay? did she ingest any? is any in her eyes?"

That slowed me down a bit, I knew she was fine but it made me gain perspective, For that I was grateful. The other two girlies woke up & scooted Piglet out of the room as I began my 3 hour clean up. Normally I would have the little bit help clean up so she could understand a little better but this was a complete wreck & there was no way she could get her hands in. I was even stepping in nail polish leaving purple prints everywhere!

As I cleaned I kept asking God to show me how I could teach her this was wrong, all the while tense with anger & frustration. At one point my little purple munchkin came in the room, showed me her purple feet & said "pretty?'

That's when I realized what happened, she was trying to paint her nails & just like any other kid when she was done she began "coloring"

My heart softened. I realized she wasn't being "bad" she was being human. I saw that this whole ordeal depended on me, what would my kids remember of this? A screaming lunatic of a mother or a mother full of grace? I began to see although what she did to the bed was wrong it was just a bed. It didn't have a heart to capture & protect & it could be replaced. My little girls feelings couldn't. If I actually flipped out on her she would of been wounded & satan would have a perfect opportunity to hurt her heart through my own mouth. 

The tension began to release, I put on the radio to relax & Lutzer was on encouraging me with his sermon on trials & difficulties in life, He spoke about David hiding in the mountains being pursued by Saul who was trying to kill him. David was afraid & discouraged at times but continually praised God & trusted Him. I think waking up to a spill of purple nail polish is small potatoes compared to David's plight. The message helped me to grasp that when the frustrations hit & even though they can be so overwhelming, God is the key. He is the one that will keep you grounded to the truth. 

Well, I'm happy to say after 3 hours the room is spotless. I like to think God honored my listening to His calm spirit & blessed me with working hands that somehow cleaned this mess to the point there is no evidence it ever existed! 

I'm happy to say that after this fun ordeal I layed down my little punkin for a nap. I peeked in to see this angelic creature sleeping ever so innocently. So thankful that I didn't lose my cool (with God's help) & hurt her heart with foolish words. I then relaxed with a book & fell asleep myself.

"Mommy...uhhh the baby got black stuff all over the nightstand..."

Three words...BLACK. LIQUID. EYELINER.

The Blessed Supermom

God is still GOD

I'm typing this from Hope Childrens hospital pediatric ER. My little princess is being observed. We came in because my sweetie had a fever & what appeared to be an odd rash forming around the eyes.
I could give you all sorts of details but what it boils down to is she's being observed because initially we were looking at a possible blood infection. Specifically meningitis. Docs wanted to do a lumbar puncture & "aggressively treat" as a worse case scenario by pumping antibiotics & everything else possible. Thankfully preliminary blood results look favorable & we are NOT doing a spinal. We are waiting for some more results but at this point it appears my baby girl is going home some time tomorrow. My princess is sleeping peacefully right now.
I can't express enough the fear that grips when you hear a word like meningitis. It's beyond terrifying.
See, I would like to say I'm naive & thought things like meningitis are well controlled & stuff like that doesn't happen anymore.
Modern medicine ya know?
But I know all too well that all sorts of "things" that you THINK are no more can jump up & slap you.
My babygirl has been poked & prodded with everything from a needle to a catheter. Does a beautiful two year old really have to endure this? It's times like this I want to scream out "Why God why??? Why my baby?!!"
And in my heart I do.
I can't sit here & be all peachy & act like I'm not afraid because I'm scared silly. However, God is still GOD.
He is the same now as He was this morning. He is the same God who delivered Isaac by bringing a ram to sacrifice, He is the same God who set free the Israelites. He is the same God who chose to take my Isaac & Hannah Joy to heaven. In all these things He remains good! He remains faithful. And although I question in my heart "why God?" I hold to the truth of who He is & I will not let that go.
As for me & my house we will SERVE THE LORD. That is not contingent upon what our day holds.

Meeting Michelle Dugger

Just one week ago I had the honor of meeting Michelle Duggar. Ya know Ultimate Supermama to a gergillion amazing kids??
Okay maybe not a gergillion but 19 is a lot if you ask me. I've always been so very impressed with her take on life family & children. She amazes me to no end on her ability to show Christ to her children. I'm not praising her because I want to be her it's just that I truly admire this woman. She has the gentle spirit God calls us mamas & wives to have. I struggle with that because I'm not that soft spoken woman, I'm naturally loud & playful. My husband appears to like my dry humor at times & gets a kick out of the fact I can keep up with his one liners.
But I digress.

As we drove to church where The Duggar Family would be speaking my daughter asked me if I was nervous to meet Michelle & to my surprise I was! I know that I've always wanted to meet her because of all the reasons I just stated, of course it would be nice to meet this Godly woman & chat. I was never unsettled about the possibility of meeting before.
But now there was something more, it wasn't a simple chat anymore. It was deeper.

Michelle & I share a bond, we belong to a club & were never given a choice to join. The club is one no one wants to be in yet 1 in every 4 women is in this club.
It's the club of Mommies with little ones waiting at Jesus feet for Mama.
Because of this bond we share meeting Michelle became more intimidating. I knew the substance of our conversation no matter how short would be so much meatier. It wouldn't be compliments on her children or advice on freezer cooking, it would be the instant connection of holding your wee baby & having to let go & say goodbye.
Jim Bob & Michelle shared a beautiful testimony of their love for the Lord & one another but again that wasn't my only focus. As I made my way up to meeting Michelle after they spoke my palms began to sweat because I wasn't quite sure what to say, all I knew was this is what I asked God for.
In December when I heard that Michelle lost her little one I cried & asked God to connect me to Michelle in some way. My heart is so burdened for empty armed Mommies & whenever I hear of a broken hearted Mommy I ask God to help me minister to that person.
So here I was 5 feet away from this woman I honestly never thought I would get near. I had no idea God was going to say yes to my request so I was more than unprepared. Nervous? Most definitely.

Satan began flooding my mind as soon as I made the decision that I would speak to Michelle. I began questioning how I of all people could be of any use to her?? I mean this is SUPER MEGA MAMA!!
How dare I be so bold as to think I can offer her wisdom & wasn't I simply going to make a complete fool of myself?? Just like when I spoke to Todd Smith after the loss of his daughter (btw, I wasn't remotely foolish that time)
But these were the thoughts rushing through my mind as I approached her & more than once I thought I'm going to say hello & offer her this gift bag & let her read my little note on her own time. I'm not going to mention her little Jubilee nor my Isaac & Hannah Joy, I'll just walk away.

But you see God doesn't allow me to walk away, if ever he has something to say & chooses to use my mouth I can't walk away, I can not disobey no matter how much I want to. I'm not saying I'm Tina the super christian I'm simply so pressed down by the Holy Spirit I become unable to avoid what I'm called to do. God knows how a combination of insecurity & outright stubbornness can be a hindrance so in all honesty He kinda flattens me in those moments & if I want to stand upright again I need to do as He is saying. What He was saying that night was "tell her"
He was saying to tell her about the picture. See I have a beautiful card I give to Mommies when they have to say goodbye. It is the most heart healing picture of Jesus holding a sweet baby as He sways back & forth in a rocking chair.
That image is precious. It is wonderful because it is truth, it is the beauty of that innocent pure truth of the reality of our children in Heaven. They are waiting in Jesus arms & when I stop to think of the reality of that it takes my breath away. I remember when I spoke a letter I had written to my Hannah girl at her funeral & read that she was in Heaven, I paused closing my eyes & said "that is the truth & the truth sets you free"
God gave me that picture just then of her playing in Heaven & being free, that image freed me as well.
God simply told me to tell Michelle that the picture on the card was for her & to look at it & remember the truth.
I can't say what the card did for Michelle, I truly don't know but being the humble Godly woman she has shown herself to be I believe that it spoke to her heart.
So yes, I met Michelle Duggar & yes we have this unfortunate bond but we also share the hope of not grieving as the world grieves because God in His awesome glory has set us free.

The Blessed Supermom
Revelation 21:4

He Loves...

Ever feel so low? I mean like "how can this be my life"
Is this really happening? I'm sure you've felt that way, I know I have & still do at times. But the beauty of Gods unconditional love is beyond compare it's above all understanding & reason.
There are no words to describe His awesome overwhelming grace & beauty. There is no greater feeling that knowing in this state of brokenness & sin He still loves. There is no pit I can dig so deep He can't remove me from it, wash me clean, & LOVE me.
Oh God, LORD of my life, lover of my soul...how I worship you. I adore you my father. You are my portion & I will forever lift my hands & praise you.

Cuteness!

Look at muh babee!! Is she adorable or what? We went to see the eye doc Monday & to my surprise the Monkey needs reading glasses. I suppose I shouldn't be too shocked considering I came out the womb wearing spectacles!
Either way I was a little droopy when it was becoming apparent where her appointment was heading. As I heard her say this or that was blurry my heart sunk a little thinking she was gonna end up blind as a bat like her Mama.
Example....the first time Big Daddy took me to an eye appointment he saw just how bad my eyes are. For some reason before my check up I was to look down a long hallway & on the far wall was the letter chart. I was supposed to call out letters as I saw them, I explained I couldn't see well & wouldn't see much. I was told just start walking & when you can clearly make out the top letter let us know. I walked within one foot of the wall before I finally saw the ginourmous "E" in front of me.

Big Daddy still makes fun of me.

That being said I'm sure you can understand my apprehension for my children to have poor eyesight.
However, eye doc said Monkey is only to wear glasses during school time & nothing else. He prescription is pretty light & we could of left her with no glasses but that would of caused more problems. Her eyes are already compensating for the nearsidedness so it was very likely we woulda been toast if we waited.

And I mean come on, she's so stinkin cute with em!
She was trying on all sorts of glasses before her appointment & we both thought these purple ones were adorable on her. When we were told she needed glasses she tried on a few but ended up sticking with her first choice.

I really wish I coulda got a pic of her with her big cheesey smile because lets face it, this kid has got just about the best smile in the world. With the glasses I couldn't help but smooch her all over her face when she flashed those that fantastic grin at me.


The Blessed Supermom

Waking Up To The Emptiness & Resting In Gods Arms

I know my last post said I'm "Doing Better" & I am, or at least was. I don't know...
I'm not a complete wreck but yes it's 3:36am & I can't sleep, it's been this way all week. I start getting goofy before "dates" start popping up. The date I saw the spotting, the date I was told Isaac died, the date we buried him. It all comes up on me & I feel like I'm gonna throw up, I feel the way I did (to a smaller extent) when he first died. I couldn't sleep & I know a lot of my friends out here who have lost someone they love know that feeling. We all may not have trouble sleeping for the same reasons, for some it may be that their mind races with "could've & should've" or maybe it's the fear of another nightmare.

For me it's the emptiness of waking up.

When Isaac first died I avoided sleep because I didn't want to wake up, not meaning I wanted to die although the thought did cross my mind. It wasn't the wanting of death but it was the awful truth that when I woke up this was real & not a nightmare. My son really died, I really did bury him, he was really gone. I would only sleep from sheer exhaustion & even then I would fight it, I would stay up all night watching Scrubs with The Hubby. It was terrible because I think it was the same escape for him, he would go running to the video store just before midnight to rent another season so we could stay up watching them.
I loved that show but now I can't watch it. It brings me back to sitting on that couch at 2am in the morning knowing I eventually had to sleep & hating the thought of waking up to the emptiness.

Those feelings still creep up on me four years later although it's not the same. I'm usually not even aware I'm doing it until 3 or 4 days have passed by & each night gets later & later until I find myself up at 4am.
You would think after all this time without him I would see it coming, prepare myself & make a conscience effort to get to sleep. To pray & ask for prayer. There's all kinds of warning signs I become more irritable, wait no that's an understatement I become vicious. I have to watch myself or I will turn around & rip someone to bits verbally. I also find myself thinking of Isaac & start crying easily. I know you would think every thought of him would make me cry but that's not true, in fact more often than not thinking of him brings a smile to my face.
But instead of bringing a smile to my face I find myself in the bathroom crying hysterically with my hand over my mouth so my kids don't hear.
In all truth this pain is more vicious then I can ever be, it comes on you without a hint & tries to beat you into the ground.

However, the difference between 4 years ago & today is I'm not in the midst of the shock & I have a clearer mind. I can see Gods hand in the wounds, I can see Him holding my heart & letting me wail & cry out to Him.

I can feel His love...really I can.

I'm at a different mark in the road of my grief & the path is getting clearer. The answers to why Isaac & my Hannah we're taken to heaven so soon won't be given to me here on earth. But I will be given perfect clarity when God takes me with Him. Until then I will have trouble sleeping at times but He will be here. When I wake up to what feels so much like emptiness I'll be reminded I can rest in His arms.

The eternal God is your refuge,
and underneath are the everlasting arms. Deuteronomy 33:27

The Blessed Supermom

Doing Better

After my last post I am doing better. Sometimes I need to pour out my pain before it pours over me. As you gather it can easily overwhelm & you can get lost in it. I know when I first lost Isaac & Hannah that's how I was, I was completely lost in my pain. In a fog of emotions I didn't understand, so much that I was clueless as to what was going on around me half the time.

In that post I shared my hurts & also shared what people have done wrong in my life & my walk in grief.
Now, I would like to share what people have done right.
The first person that comes to mind is my sister Lisa. She was the first person I told & hearing the pain & shock in her voice over the phone made it more real for me.
Solid.
But that pain in her voice showed me how much she loved my son, not ever laying eyes on him she already missed Isaac. She loved him.
During the next few days I don't remember much but I do remember Lisa taking care of a lot for us. She sent word to friends & family of services, I can not even begin to imagine what that was like for her. It took a lot of courage on her part to step in & take care of so much. She never tried to make me feel better, how could she? She never expected me to move on, in fact she is one of the safest people in my life regarding Isaac & Hannah. There is never a time I can't talk about them & never a time she doesn't want to hear about them.
God gave me a wonderful sister & He prepared her for this time in MY life. He equipped her with what I needed. I love you Sa.

Others have shown love & respect for my Isaac & Hannah. They sincerely care about them & don't try to downplay their importance. These are friends like Barb, Terri, Jacki, Patty. They love Isaac & Hannah, they love me!
When Isaac & Hannah died they truly cared & grieved them with me. After Isaac died I was hurting but I wasn't even remotely through grieving before I became pregnant with Hannah. When she died I was more then a mess. I really don't know what to call what was happening to me but it was bad. Not only were physical things happening like I couldn't express myself, literally. I would try to talk & the words & thoughts were in my mind but I couldn't speak clearly, finally I would give up. I was sinking further into a depression, my daughter walked in my room one day to find me balled up on the floor in tears.
The friends I mentioned called me daily, prayed for me continually, & never gave up on me believing in faith that God would carry me through.

My friend Lisa is a gift from God, I met her one day at the cemetery. I was there to visit my little ones & she was there to visit her son Jeremiah. We understood one another & became fast friends. It was beautiful talking to her & realizing I wasn't crazy! She has shown me over & over that "it's okay"
Whatever "it" is.
There are so many times I've questioned this or wonder about that & not once have we tried real hard to figure out too much because we both know God is to big for that. Often I hear a simple response from her "and that's okay"
That may sound simple but when you are completely freaking out about your next pregnancy, angry with God (again), or confused it is absolutely freeing to have your friend say it's okay.
And not like I'm gonna make you feel better by saying that but by validating my feelings & just being my friend. No conditions.

And the most recent thing that happened that was "right" in regards to my children was just yesterday at church. A young sweet mom at my church had just read my blog & heard all these deep painful emotions & she cared.
She genuinely cared & said "I can't even imagine" "I never knew what happened"
Again, it may appear so simple but it's not. To have someone make a point of telling you that I took the time to read your open wounds, & feel your hurts with you matters more than you can imagine! I really can't say for certain, but I would think there is a measure of stepping out of your comfort zone to say something to me. Although we have recently begun a friendship she didn't know if I would wig out & start crying or even yelling. She stepped out & cared for me, like Christ wants us to. That matters a lot to me & instantly she holds a place in my heart.
You know who you are *wink*

I can't write up a list of rights & wrongs because that would make me crazy.
What I can & will do is continue to believe that God has a purpose for what He has done in my life, I know that Isaac & Hannah's deaths are not the end of their story. God will use the death of my children for His glory & what an honor it is to be the mother he has chosen for this weave in His tapestry.

The Blessed Supermom

Gonna Need To Cry Soon

It's hurting again.
It never really stops, just dulls a little then flares up again. I suppose it's like any other trauma, you go through this horrendous event & need all sorts of surgery.
Maybe you even die on the table, flat line.
Finally, your revived & it's a long road of recovery & you'll never be the same.
That's what it's like to have your child die, or in my case...two.
Those who are blessed to not know this kind of pain don't understand it. I've had harsh words said to me such as "maybe God is trying to tell you something"
As if God had to "try" to tell me to stop having children by killing two of them. Yea, I don't think so. That would be just plain cruel & wicked & guess what?? God is good. Simple words but the truth all the same.
I've had skewed kindness as well. When good willed friends think I'm wallowing in pain & they need to help encourage me by choosing to live in the present instead of dwelling in the past.
Honestly that might possibly be more frustrating then the thoughtless words of others. Because those people are well...thoughtless!
The ones who choose to "help" are the ones who are really clueless because what they don't understand is Isaac & Hannah are not my past, they are with me continually.
They live in the present with me because they are in my soul. Like the rest of my children, they are in my heartbeat. How can I leave them in the past?
Do I dwell there? In their deaths?
No, I don't.
But will I walk away from the babies I miss to please the thoughts of others & their perceptions of my needed recovery?
No.

That all said, I need to cry soon.
To weep & wail & let my heart ache. Because ya know what? The dull ache that is persistently there is flaring up. The pain is demanding to be heard & released & the build up just plain sucks.
My friends out there that have had the dream of raising & loving this much wanted child ripped from them know what I mean.
They know the pit in your stomach that is so hard & deep it feels like you may throw up. Sometimes you do.
The lump in your throat you almost can't breathe. The wave of anguish washing over it feels as though you may not survive this time & drown in the pain.
Those mommies whose arms are empty, they know.

They understand the slow build up of hurt that grows & grows until it begins taking over your very being & the only way to release it is to cry.
Not a normal cry either, a soul wrenching deep within the heart of your being cry.
The cry where only God can hear the innermost pain. The cry of a broken mommy who visits the child she never knew in a cemetery. The cry of a mommy who held her child for only a moment & had to watch as a stranger took your baby away.

Forever....

I need that kind of cry soon because if I don't allow myself to cry like that all go downright insane. It's not healthy to bottle this up, it will eat away at the fabric of your being. I truly can not comprehend how women in the past survived miscarriages & stillborn children & not be allowed to feel their pain. I know it would have been too much for me. Like I said...I would go insane.

I need to cry & I don't want to because the anxiety of knowing it's coming brings old feelings back.
Feelings I don’t want to feel.
I'm always better after but knowing it's coming is intimidating.

It's scary. Each time that pain comes there is this emotion I can't shake that this will be the time I lose it.
That I'll lose all faith & lose all hope. That never happens & like I said I always feel better but I'm just being honest.

Anyway, the ugly pain that never really even goes away is here in full force. Again. So here I am.
Getting washed over with waves of unrelenting anguish.

Wordless Wednesday

My babygirl with her Learners Permit.
Where did the years go? Love you Princess <3

Couples Who Pray By Squire Rushnell, Louise DuArt (Book Review)

"Couples Who Pray" from the husband and wife team Squire Rushnell and Louise DuArt is a book with a great concept. Husband and wife, SQuire Rushnell and Louise DuArt have combined their entertainment backgrounds with their faith to help couples navigate their way through the very personal art of prayer. It addresses such subjects as: The Power of Prayer, Forgiveness, Prayer and Money, and 6 Steps to a Happy Marriage, giving real-life examples of couples who have taken the "40-day Prayer Challenge" a challenge to pray together with your spouse for just 5 minutes out of every day for 40 days.

As I stated, the book has a great concept "the couple that prays together stays together"
I whole hardily agree, however this book was not my cup of tea. I did not find in this book ideas that really challenged me & stretched my prayer life with my husband. Yes, reading how celebrity couples such as Denzel Washington & his wife and their stories of how daily prayer together changed their marriage was somewhat interesting. But over all the book was nowhere near as deep as I had hoped. It felt as though the authors were trying to drop famous names in hopes of bating me. Unfortunately, I was highly disappointed in this book, it is not a book for Christian Couples who want to be seriously challenged, it's more fluff & name dropping if you ask me.

All in all I do not recommend this book.

The Blessed Supermom

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission's 16 CFR, Part 255.

Smooshed Pop Tarts In My Sofa

So I'm just sitting here nice & chill when I notice what appears to be cracker crumbs on the sofa, being the wonderful Supermom that I am I pick it up & clean the couch.
Wait, scratch that...I attempt to pick it up, turns out it's left over pop tart squished into the sofa.
Grrrrrr....
I don't know about you but I'm not real tickled about stuff like this especially considering I just washed the sofas a week ago.
Honestly our furniture doesn't look like it came straight out of a Martha Stewart magazine more like "Second Hand & Faded Decor" but I like it...sorta.
Either way, I do like clean. Just ask my kids, I'm a wee bit nuts about it.
Well, thankfully this time instead of seeing red & howling like a wild banshee I tried to put it into perspective.
See I have a sticky sofa right now, & in the past there has been pb&j fingerprints on my window & then there's the occasional mysterious underwear in the bathroom....hidden behind the toilet...with unmentionable contents.

Well, this is the season of my life.

There's gonna be a time when I'm not wincing because I've stepped on an oh so pointy toy, or washing dirty little fingerprints off the wall.
And ya know what?? I don't really like the thought of that. Sure, I like the thought of being alone with The Hubby but when all my babies are grown & there's no more wee people in my home there will be just a bit less laughter to listen to.

So I suppose the sticky couch will just have to get washed again, and I'll try my best not to get loopy when it gets a special dose of kiddy attention.

The Blessed Supermom

Date Night Failure

Okay maybe that title is harsh because the company was great but everything else was not so great. The Hubby & I decided to see a movie & skip dinner. We usually try to do both but this time got crazy & skipped the norm cuz we're wild like that.
We decided on "The Grey" it's a movie about a group of men whose plane goes down & they are left to fend for themselves in harsh arctic weather. If that's not bad enough there are wolves hunting them.

*side note* I really thought it was one little bad wolfie. Really.

This is what the trailer & commercials lead you to believe that it's a movie of survival, man against beast, good vs evil.
Well, it ain't.

It's more along the lines of depressing & how many different ways can someone be mauled by a wolf. Now, I know what you're thinking "duh, it's a movie about wolves hunting men" again, I really believed it was one bad wolfie. I had no idea there were a gergillion wolves that were as huge as horses...very angry, violent, furry, red eyed horses.

Then there's the hugely depressing aspect of it.
*SPOILER ALERT*
Liam Neason is downright in a funky foul mood the whole time because his wife has left him. However, even though she has left him the memories he has shared with her is his motivation to fight to survive. Well, guess what?? She's dead! Yeup! As a doornail.
There's more stuff but you get my drift.

Over all the movie itself was downright bad, I mean the concept in my opinion is very good. The idea of not only fighting the elements but fighting a wild animal! I mean maybe God gave me a touch too much testosterone but I like to see some action sometimes. For the most part The Hubby & I watch comedies (nothing foul), family friendly, & inspirational type movie's but as I said I like a little rough & tumble sometimes.

Unfortunately this was a HUGE waist of time.

As we walked to our car we talked about how disappointed the movie was & Big Daddy commented that Howard The Duck was better, this is what he thought of the movie...

Yep, he threw up...nah he didn't but you get the point.

Anyway, we walked on & I decided to get my eyebrows done. Remember that's one of my challenges for the year also, to pamper myself a bit. Hubby didn't mind waiting as I got my eyebrows threaded. I was happy because the woman who did a great job last time was there & I trusted her. Well maybe I didn't tip her enough last time or maybe her panties were in a bunch, either way she went way too thin on them & when I looked at them in the mirror I was less then pleased. I told her they were way too thin, she smiled & said "yes, I know you don't like them thin"
She does have broken English so there's a good possibility she was misunderstanding me but she did understand when i asked her to use the shadow to fill them in some. Well, that was a disaster! I looked like CooCoo the Clown!!
The Hubby's eyes nearly popped out of his head when he saw me & he doesn't notice anything!!
So to wrap up my day in a nutshell, I saw a terrible movie that literally sucked up two hours of my life I can never get back & had hair ripped out of my face only to be accosted by a make up brush.
So this is how my challenges are going thus fear. I gotta say I'm kinda worried about the impending marshmallow adventure.

The Blessed Supermom

Whooped!

How is it that one tiny little person can wield so much power?? This angry midget had me under her volatile spell all day!
The piglet (or should I say wild boar) had a Doc appointment this morning, it was a follow up to her hospital stay back in late September. My ever so calm & not remotely violent Princess Bear had to see doc as well so off we went. I should of known that when the sun was afraid to come out to keep my head under the covers but nope, I'm a daring kind of girl.
Anyway, Piggie has been sick. She had a cold that settled in both ears & although the cold was quite pleased with it's new surroundings piggie was steady calling for an eviction.
Ya know, it was kinda like a siren wailing until your one eyeball felt like it was gonna pop??
Yeah...that.
Well, doc gave her an antibiotic & her pain cleared up but the cold didn't she was still clingy & crabby.
Then Saturday she starts getting a rash & I figure she must of got a little too much soy at some point today. She's allergic & it's in EVERYTHING.
I give her some benedryl then off to bed. Sunday morning I experienced something I've never experienced before.
I consider myself a seasoned mom. No, I don't know everything but I'm not wet behind the ears either. I know what to do when there's poop everywhere & wipes are no where to be found. I know what to do when my baby is twisting up like a pretzal while her toosh is covered in poop. I know how to keep calm when I realize there's poop on my hands, shirt, & pants.
Now you may be thinking, wow she talks about poop a lot. But this is the subject of my ever so interesting Sunday morning. In the early serene hours, quiet & peacefully piggie & I cuddle up on each other. When I get a whiff of that familiar scent I don't even want to let her go that is until I realize my shirt & pants are a little wet.
Great! Diarrhea...cha cha cha...yay.
So I get all prepared, here's how it looks...smelly stinky & still cute baby on the floor, wipes open with 4 or 5 out & ready, A&D ointment, ample supply of bags for disposal. I knew what I was walking into because she has had this issue the past few days. But maybe I got to cocky?? Pride comes before the fall, even poopy falls. Well, when I opened her diaper her bootie had become a faucet & her diaper no longer wanted to be a sink. Soooo....there was errrr...an abundant overflow. I actually howled in shock. Wipes was not gonna cover this so thankfully my helpful Bear was right there & we survived it together.
She's allergic to the antibiotic given her to for the ear infections.
Nice.

Okay so that's some background to set you up for today, giving you perspective as to the level of how tightly I'm wound when we all go to this appointment.
As I said how can a person who doesn't even reach my waist have the ability to cut me off at the knees? I wonder if she's really a crime family enforcer!!
"The Mini Mangler"
"Tiny Torturer"
You get the point.

This little love of mine screamed at the top of her lungs for 2 hours!!! The dr & nurse had to talk over her because I couldn't hear at all. Nothing calmed her. Nothing. There was nothing physically wrong, she was just ticked. Really really ticked. I found it very difficult to keep trucking a long & to continue being nice when strangers kept giving me that "you poor thing smile"
In my mind I'm thinking I want to beat the daylights outta someone & you just may be that person so stop smiling at me.
So now I'm home & she is screaming & has been all day.Oh, and I'm hiding.
I am a Supermom today because I said so.
There...

The Blessed Supermom

A Long Time & A Challenge

Well, yes it's been a long time & yes I'm sorry. I've been a bad blogger but I've been a good Mama so I think it evens out.
With the holidays blogging was seriously not on my mind. I had so much more to do with my girlies like baking, cooking, decorating. Then we had our school break & The Hubby was on vacation as well.
So, that's my excuse...K?

Now, I've decided to do a "12 month challenge"
Here's how it works, I will commit to trying/doing something new every month as well as some personal goals.

So here's my list...

January- Homemade Marshmallows
February-Learn to Knit
March-Make Homemade Cream Cheese
April-Window Herb Garden
May-Sew a dress for the Piglet (nope, I don't know how to use a sewing machine)
June-Homemade Cream Cheese
July- Homemade Sunflower Seed Butter (Piglet is allergic to PB)
August-Homemade Ice Cream
September-Homemade Cottage Cheese
October-Homemade Foaming Peppermint Hand Soap
November-Homemade Seasoning Mix ( Taco, Ranch, Onion Soup )
December-Homemade Body Scrubs (I hope to use these as Christmas gifts)

Some personal goals for the year 2012 are;

1. Have a date night with The Hubby once a month.

2. Lose 40 lbs, now I'm not telling you my starting weight & you can't see me so you have absolutely NO CLUE what I'll end up looking like. I mean maybe I'll be rail thin & maybe I'll still have some junk in my trunk. But considering it has just recently come to my attention that my trunk is scraping the sidewalk I think it's time to get crackin'.

3. Decorate my apartment!! Woo hoo!! This one I'm uber excited about! Hubby says since we will be staying in this apartment another year I get X amount of dollars to fancy it up a bit. I'm really happy about that because since we've moved from a house to an apartment things have been sorta modge podge haphazard. This will be nice =D

4. Paint the entire apartment no later than April. This will not be nice...

5. Get my eyebrows threaded once a month. Now I know this may appear immature & really dopey but honestly I do very little for myself. I often put my children's wants/needs before my own as many of us do. I think it's okay to take time to pamper myself a bit considering I found a place that threads cheap & I can sit & have some time reading a book after. Besides, not getting my eyebrows done tends to make me look somewhat like a sasquatch.

Spiritual Goals;

1. Read the Bible in 90 days. I'm using this plan on my YouVersion App. I am a few days behind but considering that in just over a week I've read 2 books of the Bible I think that's pretty good. An added bonus, for me at least, is reading it on my droid. It is always in my purse or even in my jean pocket, that means I can read it ANYWHERE. Waiting at the Drs office, during lunch, taking a potty break or "I'm hiding from you using the bathroom as an excuse!!" break.

2. I also plan to deal with some very tough childhood issues this year, actually the group I will be involved in is a 2 year program. It deals with a very difficult area of my past that is most definitely wreaking havoc on my present & could most certainly affect the future. This one is gonna be painful but my children deserve the best of me & God will never leave me. I know he will be holding my hand the entire time & carrying me when I need it.


Well, these are my goals & as of yet they aren't too scary. I plan to post them as I try to give each one a go. I hope to get those marshmallows whipped up soon.

The Blessed Supermom

Nell My Belle

This is my favorite niece in the whole wide world! Well she's my only niece but if I had more she would be my fave.

This is Nell My Belle.

She is an awesome kid, all the qualities you would want in a young person. I mean don't get me wrong she's not perfect, I remember when I used to babysit her & she was going through a crying stage. This would be okay if she was two but she was like 5 or 6ish. She would just decide she'd had enough & wail her little head off, it was trying at the time but looking back it's kinda hysterical. I remember my inside joke that kept my sanity at the time which was it looked as though her jaw unhinged itself, I mean seriously she threw that little mouth open & was gonna let all the world know she was ticked! I know there was a perfect reason for the phase but I'm glad it's over =)

So that's an example of her imperfection & I'm sure I can think of some other funny stuff because aren't we all imperfect? I know Nella could tell more than a few stories about me but thankfully she doesn't have a blog =D

Let's get on to why this kid is so down right awesome.
First of all she loves my Piglet, she loves all the girlies but she is a little mama to the piggie. So attentive & so responsible, it's clear to me she is going to make a great Supermom one day. Then there's also the fact that she's growing into her own self. Does that make sense? She's not trying to be anyone other than Nel, & if you've read anything in this blog than you know I encourage my kids to be individuals. Yes, I teach them to seek after God with all their heart, souls & minds but I also want them to know that when your at the feet of God He doesn't care if your hair is blue. He is not going to rebuke & turn you away because you have tattoos or gauges in your ears. Unfortunately that is the thoughts of some & I'm glad Nella is clear on Gods unconditional love for her, she is young & learning to trust Him & be who she was created to be & also honoring the LORD.
Yes, I just ranted a bit but you get my point. I love Nel for who she is & who she will become. She is perfect the way God created her & I'm thankful that God blessed me with this little girl.

I love you Nell My Belle

The Blessed Supermom

Wordless Wednesday

Piglet wanted to help Mama pour the flour from the big container to the small one. Yes she made a mess, no I don't care :)