Last night was tough, it was one of those "stay up & cry because I just can't sleep" nights.
There are some things happening in my life I have absolutely no control over. The issues are breaking my heart & leaving me feel very broken & hurt. It's so very hard to accept that certain things may never change, that I may actually need to accept it & let go.
That's very hard to do, I want so very much for the hurt & disappointment to stop but am realizing the only way the hurt will stop is if I let go of my expectations.
Now that is beyond hard.
I suppose I have to admit that I have dreams that aren't coming true...don't we all? And it's almost unbearable to admit the dream is overshadowing reality & creating problems in my life.
In my wounded crying last night I began praying & was actually surprised at what I was saying to God.
Has that ever happened to you?
Your praying & feelings start coming up that you didn't even realize were there??
I have to admit I'm feeling lonely & desperate. And the desperation is for Him, I feel like the deer panting for water (Psalm 42:1)
I desperately need His life giving water to fill me because "life keeps happening" & I feel as though the earth is shaking under my feet.
When I get caught up in the overwhelming stress of my current circumstances I feel an aching loneliness.
Again, surprised at that prayer...I live with 5 other people, I can barely go to the bathroom by myself, let alone get lonely.
But, that's not what true loneliness is, you can be in a room full of people & feel completely alone. That's where I'm at right now.
To me that's a red flag saying I need to sit at Jesus feet a while, I dunno if I'm right about that, but I think so. Right enough for me at least.
I need to focus on the truth of God & the fact that He isn't moved by my circumstances.
I may feel desperate because I'm terrified of the world crumbling down around me but thankfully, that doesn't affect Him.
He stands firm & holds me....
I may cry & "feel" alone but that is also not true, because I'm never alone.
I thank My Abba Father because I'm in His hands & this life is only a vapor, He carries me & loves me. He doesn't allow trials to come in my life that He will not guide me through, He is good & He is mine.
I love Him so much....