Regrets

OK, I know it's been long...reallly long since I've been here. The last time I posted was on my sweet girls 5th birthday...June 9th.
And honestly she was just way more important then posting. No offense, I love you all too but I'm sure you can understand where she holds the first place gold medal here.
Anyway, I had every intention of getting back on but then I've been having all these tummy issues. Well, Bear is having them, not me. Either way it has been consuming my days, my thoughts, & my kitchen!
But I can't really stay there & dwell, at least for now. I'll definitely be back at a later date to complain.
You can count on it.
Why I'm up at 2:30 in the morning has nothing to do with my children. Wait...yes it does.
My Isaac & Hannah.
My sweet little babies I miss so much.
I try so very hard to make them known & there are those that just don't wanna know them. That's OK, it's their loss. I talk about them, I share their short beautiful lives with anyone willing to listen. I don't hide my children for fear of offending those that think the speaking of a dead child's name is taboo. That we should keep it hush hush because that makes it all better.
Guess what? It doesn't.
Three years later & my heart & hands still ache for them.
I had an amazing opportunity. A page I follow on FB for us BLM's (baby loss mamas) decided to create a book filled with stories, poems, & hope. ANYONE could submit an entry.
NO ONE would be turned away. I submitted my Isaac & Hannah's story & was asked to edit it some, just for the sake it was longer than they had space for. I had no problem with that & committed to revising my entry. I had a whole month & ya know what??

I forgot...

Life in my home has been so chaotic. First we had the wee munchkins reaction to peanut butter. Then my ever so hyper monkey fell off the bunk bed & knocked herself unconscious...can you say trip to the ER with dazed little girl & terrified Mommy???

Then we have all the "is she gluten intolerant? Do her kidneys work? Liver?" Oh yea, that's not monkey..that's my sweet princess, the gentle Bear. Well, she's been a sick little girl & all of this chaos has consumed my life & I forgot...FORGOT!! my Isaac & Hannah.
WOW! Talk about a kick in the stomach.
I mean a knock you straight on your a** & suck the window out of you...POW!!
When I realized my time was up & I couldn't do ANYTHING to fix this I went back to 2008 when I could do NOTHING to change the outcome of Isaac & Hannah's deaths. I felt so helpless then & feel so helpless now. Sure it's different, I don't have to go through the horror of saying goodbye & burying my beautiful babies. But, I feel that same anger, confusion, & sadness. That feeling of being jilted & being dealt the wickedly crappy hand.
Yes, this is somewhat of an angry post I suppose, the anger & frustration I feel is not directed at anyone other than myself. I know that God's grace is sufficient but sometimes it's so very hard to accept it. I feel like I don't deserve this & He answers with a sweet gentle word telling me that's exactly why He gives it. But, all I'm feeling at this hour is sick & pained and what I want is to see them. I want to look at Isaac's little ears & feet, I remember them so well...they're etched in my soul. I want to kiss Hannah's face, I loved kissing her & 3 years later I can still smell her beautiful skin.
I want my children.
I wanted to write their stories & for them to be forever remembered by many as the two little angels whose feet never touched the earth but changed it forever. I want so very much for every mother that aches to know who Isaac & Hannah Jensen are.
I feel I failed my children.
I know this is all from the pit of hell & satan is pouring salt into my torn wounds, but I'm kinda laying here all battered & bruised & can't find the strength to stand right now.
I know I'll eventually get up with wobbly knees as God holds my hand, I always do. I just kinda wish I'd stop getting those awful kicks to the stomach ...heart.

Summer Fun

OK, my girlies are not used to being trapped in an apartment, neither am I!! I do thank God for our little place however we are without a yard so the little people here tend to get bored & a little loopy too!
Today I took a look at Money Saving Mom to find links to some great summertime ideas to keep our kiddos hands busy. Both on rainy days & not so rainy days.
I decided to save these great links on my blog so I'd know where they are. I tend to look at some really great ideas on the Internet & promptly forget where they are. I know I could just bookmark it but considering I have about 42 million bookmarks I thought this would work better & you could benefit too =)

Tub 'O Fun



Mom I'm Bored Activity Cards




101 Ways To Embrace Summer


The Blessed Supermom

Wordless Wednesday

My Big Baby & My Little Baby =)


The Blessed Supermom

Kitchen Limbo

Well, this weekend was the Illinois Christian Home Educators Convention. It was great! And crazy, my homeschooling friends know what I'm talking about. It's kinda like being at a wonderful farmers market, there's all these great things to see & do. At first you take in all the sweet aromas & meander slowly though this ever so relaxing time, maybe even run into a few friends & buy some treasured items. After a while though, your feet start to swell & all those previously sweet smells begin to mesh together & you have a headache, Then BAM!!! Run over by a cart full of flowers!!
You're laying their dazed & confused but there's all this pretty stuff around you & no matter how much you know you should walk away, instead you limp toward the flowers & ask for more....
Now, if you think I'm exaggerating you should take a look at the golf ball sized bruise on my leg!
That being said, the bumps & bruises are worth it I'll go into more detail, but not today.

What is on my mind however is the mysterious allergic reaction the Bear had just over a week ago. I was really leaning toward cheese or some sort of dairy product because she had another reaction (or so it seemed) Wednesday & the only connection I could make was cheese. We also thought it could have been food poisoning but after thinking some that doesn't add up with all her previous tummy issues.
I just spoke to her pediatrician & she has absolutely NO ALLERGIES...UGH...seriously???
Well, we are still waiting for the Gluten Intolerance results & hope to get them tomorrow. But come on really! I am trying not to wig out over here! What's the deal???
I'm really at a loss, I don't even know what to feed her & don't want to give her something hurtful.
Errrggggggg.....

OK, pardon my miniwig.
I think I just made up a word...miniwig...fun.

Anyway, without having clear direction I don't feel comfortable having my regular Monday Cooking Day. I will bake some breads for the week & try to come up with a menu plan but that's about it. I'm also toying with the idea of removing Gluten anyway because an article I read explained the difference between Gluten Intolerance & Wheat Allergy. There is a large portion of people with Celiac Symptoms (gluten intolerance) who don't test positive for it. These people assume maybe they're just allergic to Wheat & go about their lives with the impression everything is fine & it's OK to eat it learning to live with the chronic issues. Or maybe their diagnosed with IBS. The problem is if you're not testing positive for Celiac & do have it, it becomes quite a danger over time. It is not an allergy, it's an Auto-Immune Disease & is cause for concern if not treated.
Well, after schooling you on all the Celiac stuff you probably understand a bit more why my kitchen is at a standstill. And furthermore why I may just cut Gluten out all together, see Bear is having so many symptoms of Gluten Intolerance & if it doesn't show up on her initial blood test we have to do further blood panels & possibly a biopsy of her small intestine.
Yea, I really don't think I'm gonna go there.
Who knows maybe it will show up on the test & I will have answers & if it doesn't Big Daddy & I will figure it out from there, either way I'm sure God will direct our paths.
And my kitchen =)

The Blessed Supermom

Sooooo EXCITED!!!

The Illinois Christian Homeschool Educators Convention begins tomorrow!!! I am so stinkin' excited! I'll admit I wasn't feelin' it this year, see we go EVERY YEAR & this is my 4th time so I wasn't real motivated.
but now, WOO-HOO!
A weekend chock full of so many great Christian speakers. Last year we had Erwin Lutzer & Voddie Baucham just to name a few This time around we are looking forward to awesome speakers like Ken Ham, that guy rocks! And I'm goin' just to get some needed encouragement, for you homeschoolers out there you know how draining it can be. I'm not saying it's not worth it but I know seasoned homeschoolers who still get fried. It's a huge responsibility so it's really nice to get together with like minded folk.
I remember when my girlfriend first told me about convention, I still wasn't on board with the idea & thought she was nuts, sorry Jacki =)
Anyway, I had this vision in my mind of a simple "get together" of women in blue jean jumpers in a little hall hearing someone (in a blue jean jumper) talking about education.
Boy! Was I wrong!! There are literally thousands of people & the speakers are encouraging in the call of homeschool.

There are workshops on education but there is so much more.
Such as 6 Day's or Millions of Years? an informative workshop on the validity of the age of the Earth. Or A Holy Influence:Be The Crowning Touch In Your Husband's Life, pretty self explanatory wouldn't you say =)

And there's stuff for the kids (tween's & teens) like Experience The Majesty Of The Night Sky
this is an awesome tour of the star filled sky using the planetarium projector.
There's also "Lets Pick Your Brain" a workshop explaining the anatomy of the brain & the kids get to dissect an actual sheep brain!!! yuck yuck gross...eeeweweweewwwwwwww!!!!!
The Cow dissected a sheep eye last year. Weird huh? A cow dissecting a sheep?? Children & little ones are welcome too. Last year we brought The Wee Piglet & this sweet girl asked to hold her..

Then there's the fun shops about couponing, Friday Night movie night, father/son activities.

But the Grandaddy of all Grandaddies is....THE VENDOR HALL!!!!

It's a homeschoolers dream come true!! It's like our candy store! It's not some dreary room where you pick up the kids curriculum for the year. It's full of excitement & all sorts of cool stuff, yes there are books but there are vendors set up like Nature's Workshop Plus that have cool & interesting items for kids. I plan to pick up an ant farm, butterfly habitat, & frog hatchery kit. There's also Miller's Pad's & Paper which has awesome art supplies, or Kids Love Travel giving you great ideas on vacations to take that are easy, affordable, & fun.

This convention is all around wonderful. It has EVERYTHING you could ask for. And did I mention Grandparent's & Pastors can come for FREE?!!! Yeup, pretty cool huh?
If you are a homeschooler in the Midwest area I strongly encourage you to check this out. And if you aren't homeschooling yet & just thinking about it this is a great resource of information. If you don't hear from me for a few days it's cuz I'm running around in the vendor hall trying desperately not to blow off my budget =D

The Blessed Supermom

Wordless Wednesday

Daddy & Piglet watchin the choo-choo together..
ahhh, I love this guy =)

The Blessed Supermom