Not Pretending

Okay....I'm mad. Not gonna play games here, not gonna pretend. I'm mad. My stepmom has just been diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer & ya know what??? This really sucks!!
I'm just blown away ya know, like can this really be happening?? Did this evil monster really just invade our family? I can't even process this. I know that I'm angry cuz that's what I do to cover up my pain. Learned that one in my ACOA class (oh joy)
But really I don't want to accept this, I don't wanna cry & feel and all that stupid crap. I just wanna smash things & scream!
Yes, hi...my name is Tina and I'm the lunatic of the family.
I'm in this throw of emotion knowing I need to pull myself together & be an encouragement to my stepmom & my father. I KNOW that I need to bring this all to the Lords feet and trust in Him.
Sometimes it's just so very hard to do that. Sometimes you need to wig out a little first. That's where I am...the wigging stage.
I love my stepmom & I'm gonna do all I can to give her all the love she needs.
I'm gonna continuously pray that God shows her favor.
Love you Adriana 

Been A While..

Okay yea, it's been more than just a while. 
Sorry..life ya know it takes up most of my days. Things like insanely painful headaches sending me to the ER 3x's. Sicky little people. How's about my husbands building catching fire & not knowing whether he's outside of it & safe?
Yea, lotsa stuff.

But that's not what I'm doing here tonight. What I'm doing here is venting about one of the commitments I made to myself at the beginning of the year. Which one you ask?
Oh, the hardest one! The commitment of diving into my past to find out what makes me tick.
Can I just say that the deeper I go & the more my eyes are open the more nuttier I see I am. I don't mean that to put myself down, truth is you're nutty too, maybe ya just don't know it yet. 
See we ALL fall short of the glory of God & to put it in my own words we're all jacked up. We have all grown up in homes that were dysfunctional to some degree & we now carry that into our present life. Maybe you grew up in a home that was basically "normal" but began an unhealthy relationship with someone & that triggered those not so prominent dysfunctions from childhood. Those dysfunctions have grown & became genuine issues now.
My point is we all have a story & we're all "nutty" to some degree.

Me? I'm waaaay nutty!

I'm not ready to divulge every aspect of this new group I'm in, I've mentioned it before remember? It's basically a two year commitment into really digging deep into painful issues. And point blank sometimes it just sucks. I mean for me that is. I can honestly say I don't like all this stuff I'm learning because it hurts so bad. However I believe & trust that God is revealing these painful things to bring healing to me.

I think of it like an infection.
Look at it this way you get a cut & it's not properly cared for, eventually it becomes infected. So here you are with this painful cut & it's starting to sting & swell, you begin to think this hurts so much I can't wait for the Dr or antibiotics. I'm just gonna press down real hard on all the swelling & release the gross pus & goo. 
So with teeth clenched that's what ya do & maybe...just maybe if you're lucky the infection is cleared.
It's likely though that you're still infected & without the proper care & treatment the infection will continue to grow & spread. 

So do you get my gross analogy? Basically what I'm saying is I've been living with this infection in my heart & spirit all my life & now it's time to see the Dr & get real healing. It's just that after all these years the work involved isn't as easy as popping pills. I have to get deep down to all the roots & yank them out. I have to do things I don't like.
Like feel feelings. Maybe that sounds daft but it's true, I greatly dislike being vulnerable. Even with myself! So now to actually acknowledge this or that is truly foreign & strange. I mean I know it's healthy & right & I encourage others to share their heart but it's difficult to heed my own advice. 

All of this is a bit overwhelming & new to me but I can see God's hand in all of this & it's honestly amazing. Something I'm noticing is the blessings of the women God has given me in this group. Thinking of these women makes me feel like crying with gratitude (not used to feeling that)
I can honestly say these women are in my heart...forever. They are truly beautiful & God has used each & every single one of them to minister to me & open my eyes. They also help me feel less crazy! When I can hear someone share a feeling or thought they're having & I can actually relate it's like "whoa! I'm not the only one! Awesome!"
It really really helps me to have people in my life that are genuine & non judgemental. 

Well, I think I'm done ranting for now & I would like to say I'm gonna run off & do some really emotionally healthy thing right now like journal or meditate. But nah...I'm gonna eat chocolate & yea it's dysfunctional but chocolate taste good & it makes me happy =)

The Blessed Supermom  

Fearing The Unknown

I shared in a previous blog post that one of my goals for the year would be confronting some past issues affecting my present.  Recently I began an intense support group for Adult Children of Alcoholics & it's been more than difficult. 
I've always known growing up in that environment affected me but I never knew to what degree. I have a tendency to minimize the life I lived because I don't want to shame my family or throw a pity party. I'm always afraid I'll make it bigger than it actually was & be found a liar. But the truth is I'm not even sure the magnitude of the dysfunction because my memory is vague at best.
For many years I believed it to be the norm to forget ones childhood but now I know that to be untrue.
I mean sure you can't remember every little detail but I have whole chunks wiped clean.

Recently bits & pieces are coming to the surface & I'm getting scared. My support leader (who happens to be beautiful & amazing) keeps reassuring me that God wont bring to the surface what He wont give me the grace to walk through.
I know that to be true but it's still frightening. The unknown has a sense of foreboding. Who doesn't get a little queasy in the tummy when trying something new? We all do!
And what I'm dealing with isn't just something new, it's something that affected me so much my brain filed it away so I could continue to function.
That's really scary to me.
I'm afraid of what's in that unknown place of my mind, I'm afraid of the monster waiting there for me & what it knows about me.

But the one thing I do know is God will carry me & protect me. I know He wont leave me nor did he ever.
I'll just wait on Him to show me what I need to see & trust that whatever it is will be healed & bring healing to others as well.

Falling In Love With My Husband

More often then not when I blog it's about my children & rightfully so, my blog is titled Confessions of a Supermom. But I'm feeling I need to share about my husband today. I can truly say I've had more then a tumultuous marriage, in part due to my bitter choices. 

I have held his wrong choices against him & chosen to live in the past rather then trust God for my future. I came into this marriage a very wounded girl, I had a painful childhood growing up in an alcoholic & dysfunctional home. For many years I've lived in anger but could never pin point why I was so angry, it would plague me continually that I held this deep dark secret. I felt if anyone ever knew how quickly I could explode I would be rejected. 

I never paid attention to the fact that for 12 years I had someone who never left me. My husband continued to love & accept me with all my faults, of course he has his issues too but this post isn't about his problems.

Besides, regardless of what The Hubby does God calls me as his wife to honor, respect, & revere him. There will be a day when I stand before the LORD accountable for my actions & I'll be all alone. I wont be able to say "but did you see what he did?" "did you hear what he said"

It wont matter at that point because God's word is infallible & I can't make excuses for my behavior.

Only recently I've begun to open my eyes to the damage I have done to my marriage & family, for years I've made excuses for my behavior & the truth is I have no good excuse.

Yes, I am a very wounded person both by my own hands & the hands of others but I have a choice...do I live in bondage or walk in freedom??

Due to some recent events in my life I have finally chosen freedom, I have made the decision to love my husband with abandon. And ya know what? It's beautiful, he really is an amazing man!! We haven't had one single argument in weeks because the truth is I've decided I would rather be married than right. Does this mean I'm not entitled to my opinion? No.

It just means my opinion can hold a lot more weight if I deliver it correctly. What man wants to be hollered at because he's making the wrong choice? What man will rise up in leadership if he's constantly being questioned? The truth is ladies our men NEED us to be their cheerleaders. They NEED to know that even when the whole world is against them that they can come home to a friend that loves them unconditionally. Our men NEED to know we admire them & believe in them & they NEED to know that they can make a mistake & still be loved. 

My husband is a gift from God & it's taken me 12 long years to receive that gift. I mourn & grieve over all the time lost & praise God that we wont be old & grey still fighting. I enjoy laughing with him & cuddling up with him. The truth is now I feel as though I can't get enough of him, I'm falling in love. 

Ladies, I encourage you to pray & pray hard for the pains that you carry that are effecting your marriage. We are all broken in one way or another & satan seeks to destroy the family, the best way to do that is to start with the parents. For the few men that are reading this I encourage you to actively pursue your wife, my husband began doing that regardless of my actions & I have never felt more loved. He loved me through God's heart & that gave me self worth I didn't believe I could ever have. 

There is a scripture I believe applies to this & I hope you feel it's true impact.

This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live. 

Deuteronomy 30:19

What will you choose?

The Blessed Supermom

"Pretty??"

"Mama? Mama hands..."

Sleepy...groggy "huh" 

"whaa?? Oh hi sweetie"

"Mama hands??"

"What baby, what?? Your hands are purple!?"

This is how my day began, with my munchkin coming to wake me & let me know her hands were purple. I flew out of bed afraid she found Cow's sharpies but I realized it didn't smell like marker.

Lip gloss? 

I went into the girls room to find that Cow's BRAND NEW WHITE BED was covered in purple nail polish!! There was purple nail polish all over the foot board, spilled on the floor, & drops here & there on the area rug, also new.

I just about lost my head, really I felt it do a full 360 as my eyes apparently bugged completely out of my face. It took everything inside me to contain my anger. I'm not going to lie, every ounce of me was trying to focus on self control & not completely flip out. I called Big Daddy to help me keep some sense, he answered & I started talking a mile a minute asking him to pray because I was quite certain he was coming home to twins. Why you ask? Because I was going to knock that little girl so hard she would split into two!!

No, I really wouldn't do that but I was seething & knew I wasn't thinking clearly. I didn't want to say something I would regret. 

So of course my calm & logical husband answered with "is she okay? did she ingest any? is any in her eyes?"

That slowed me down a bit, I knew she was fine but it made me gain perspective, For that I was grateful. The other two girlies woke up & scooted Piglet out of the room as I began my 3 hour clean up. Normally I would have the little bit help clean up so she could understand a little better but this was a complete wreck & there was no way she could get her hands in. I was even stepping in nail polish leaving purple prints everywhere!

As I cleaned I kept asking God to show me how I could teach her this was wrong, all the while tense with anger & frustration. At one point my little purple munchkin came in the room, showed me her purple feet & said "pretty?'

That's when I realized what happened, she was trying to paint her nails & just like any other kid when she was done she began "coloring"

My heart softened. I realized she wasn't being "bad" she was being human. I saw that this whole ordeal depended on me, what would my kids remember of this? A screaming lunatic of a mother or a mother full of grace? I began to see although what she did to the bed was wrong it was just a bed. It didn't have a heart to capture & protect & it could be replaced. My little girls feelings couldn't. If I actually flipped out on her she would of been wounded & satan would have a perfect opportunity to hurt her heart through my own mouth. 

The tension began to release, I put on the radio to relax & Lutzer was on encouraging me with his sermon on trials & difficulties in life, He spoke about David hiding in the mountains being pursued by Saul who was trying to kill him. David was afraid & discouraged at times but continually praised God & trusted Him. I think waking up to a spill of purple nail polish is small potatoes compared to David's plight. The message helped me to grasp that when the frustrations hit & even though they can be so overwhelming, God is the key. He is the one that will keep you grounded to the truth. 

Well, I'm happy to say after 3 hours the room is spotless. I like to think God honored my listening to His calm spirit & blessed me with working hands that somehow cleaned this mess to the point there is no evidence it ever existed! 

I'm happy to say that after this fun ordeal I layed down my little punkin for a nap. I peeked in to see this angelic creature sleeping ever so innocently. So thankful that I didn't lose my cool (with God's help) & hurt her heart with foolish words. I then relaxed with a book & fell asleep myself.

"Mommy...uhhh the baby got black stuff all over the nightstand..."

Three words...BLACK. LIQUID. EYELINER.

The Blessed Supermom

God is still GOD

I'm typing this from Hope Childrens hospital pediatric ER. My little princess is being observed. We came in because my sweetie had a fever & what appeared to be an odd rash forming around the eyes.
I could give you all sorts of details but what it boils down to is she's being observed because initially we were looking at a possible blood infection. Specifically meningitis. Docs wanted to do a lumbar puncture & "aggressively treat" as a worse case scenario by pumping antibiotics & everything else possible. Thankfully preliminary blood results look favorable & we are NOT doing a spinal. We are waiting for some more results but at this point it appears my baby girl is going home some time tomorrow. My princess is sleeping peacefully right now.
I can't express enough the fear that grips when you hear a word like meningitis. It's beyond terrifying.
See, I would like to say I'm naive & thought things like meningitis are well controlled & stuff like that doesn't happen anymore.
Modern medicine ya know?
But I know all too well that all sorts of "things" that you THINK are no more can jump up & slap you.
My babygirl has been poked & prodded with everything from a needle to a catheter. Does a beautiful two year old really have to endure this? It's times like this I want to scream out "Why God why??? Why my baby?!!"
And in my heart I do.
I can't sit here & be all peachy & act like I'm not afraid because I'm scared silly. However, God is still GOD.
He is the same now as He was this morning. He is the same God who delivered Isaac by bringing a ram to sacrifice, He is the same God who set free the Israelites. He is the same God who chose to take my Isaac & Hannah Joy to heaven. In all these things He remains good! He remains faithful. And although I question in my heart "why God?" I hold to the truth of who He is & I will not let that go.
As for me & my house we will SERVE THE LORD. That is not contingent upon what our day holds.

Meeting Michelle Dugger

Just one week ago I had the honor of meeting Michelle Duggar. Ya know Ultimate Supermama to a gergillion amazing kids??
Okay maybe not a gergillion but 19 is a lot if you ask me. I've always been so very impressed with her take on life family & children. She amazes me to no end on her ability to show Christ to her children. I'm not praising her because I want to be her it's just that I truly admire this woman. She has the gentle spirit God calls us mamas & wives to have. I struggle with that because I'm not that soft spoken woman, I'm naturally loud & playful. My husband appears to like my dry humor at times & gets a kick out of the fact I can keep up with his one liners.
But I digress.

As we drove to church where The Duggar Family would be speaking my daughter asked me if I was nervous to meet Michelle & to my surprise I was! I know that I've always wanted to meet her because of all the reasons I just stated, of course it would be nice to meet this Godly woman & chat. I was never unsettled about the possibility of meeting before.
But now there was something more, it wasn't a simple chat anymore. It was deeper.

Michelle & I share a bond, we belong to a club & were never given a choice to join. The club is one no one wants to be in yet 1 in every 4 women is in this club.
It's the club of Mommies with little ones waiting at Jesus feet for Mama.
Because of this bond we share meeting Michelle became more intimidating. I knew the substance of our conversation no matter how short would be so much meatier. It wouldn't be compliments on her children or advice on freezer cooking, it would be the instant connection of holding your wee baby & having to let go & say goodbye.
Jim Bob & Michelle shared a beautiful testimony of their love for the Lord & one another but again that wasn't my only focus. As I made my way up to meeting Michelle after they spoke my palms began to sweat because I wasn't quite sure what to say, all I knew was this is what I asked God for.
In December when I heard that Michelle lost her little one I cried & asked God to connect me to Michelle in some way. My heart is so burdened for empty armed Mommies & whenever I hear of a broken hearted Mommy I ask God to help me minister to that person.
So here I was 5 feet away from this woman I honestly never thought I would get near. I had no idea God was going to say yes to my request so I was more than unprepared. Nervous? Most definitely.

Satan began flooding my mind as soon as I made the decision that I would speak to Michelle. I began questioning how I of all people could be of any use to her?? I mean this is SUPER MEGA MAMA!!
How dare I be so bold as to think I can offer her wisdom & wasn't I simply going to make a complete fool of myself?? Just like when I spoke to Todd Smith after the loss of his daughter (btw, I wasn't remotely foolish that time)
But these were the thoughts rushing through my mind as I approached her & more than once I thought I'm going to say hello & offer her this gift bag & let her read my little note on her own time. I'm not going to mention her little Jubilee nor my Isaac & Hannah Joy, I'll just walk away.

But you see God doesn't allow me to walk away, if ever he has something to say & chooses to use my mouth I can't walk away, I can not disobey no matter how much I want to. I'm not saying I'm Tina the super christian I'm simply so pressed down by the Holy Spirit I become unable to avoid what I'm called to do. God knows how a combination of insecurity & outright stubbornness can be a hindrance so in all honesty He kinda flattens me in those moments & if I want to stand upright again I need to do as He is saying. What He was saying that night was "tell her"
He was saying to tell her about the picture. See I have a beautiful card I give to Mommies when they have to say goodbye. It is the most heart healing picture of Jesus holding a sweet baby as He sways back & forth in a rocking chair.
That image is precious. It is wonderful because it is truth, it is the beauty of that innocent pure truth of the reality of our children in Heaven. They are waiting in Jesus arms & when I stop to think of the reality of that it takes my breath away. I remember when I spoke a letter I had written to my Hannah girl at her funeral & read that she was in Heaven, I paused closing my eyes & said "that is the truth & the truth sets you free"
God gave me that picture just then of her playing in Heaven & being free, that image freed me as well.
God simply told me to tell Michelle that the picture on the card was for her & to look at it & remember the truth.
I can't say what the card did for Michelle, I truly don't know but being the humble Godly woman she has shown herself to be I believe that it spoke to her heart.
So yes, I met Michelle Duggar & yes we have this unfortunate bond but we also share the hope of not grieving as the world grieves because God in His awesome glory has set us free.

The Blessed Supermom
Revelation 21:4